Pain

I thought i was immune to pain as pain has become my nature part of my life.
And i was wrong..

This is why i refuse to open up refuse to bare my soul to anyone.
This is why i doesn't want become attached with anyone.

I tried. I did tried.

I care too much..

It hurts..god it does..

Aku tak tahu macam mana nak describe how wounded i am..

I never wanted for him to hurt more that he ever did..
I never meant for him to feel worse..
I tried my best to give him time..
Space..
Not to push him not to suffocate him..

He said i was important to him
But now..somehow i doubt it..

I tried my best not to cry and stop this conversation befote its too late..
Before both of us say something hurtful to each other..
Words that could leave permanent effect..
I tried so hard not to cry..
I tried..
And i failed..

Kata2 dia..
Tak pernah gagal untuk lukakan aku..
Tak pernah gagal untuk buat aku menangis..
Tak pernah gagal untuk hancurkan hati aku yang sememangnya rapuh..

Kata2 dia..
Sakit...
Buat aku rasa untuk duduk disudut gelap dan sunyi..
Menangis..

Aku tak tahu apa lagi harus aku lakukan..
Semuanya salah dimata dia..
Semuanya tak kena..

I guess he was right..

He's alone.. So am I..

I will never understand his pain and for sure he never would understand mine..

The more both of us tried,
The greater the pain is..
The deeper the wound will be..

I promise with my very own tattered soul..
I would never ever burdened him with my ridiculous stupendous life nor problems..

Scumbag Whore

Sex.
Its a taboo topic for me.
And a sore subject as well due to certain someone.

I'm not so conservative type of girl.
Why?
Well for me,
Definition for conservative are the girl or the guy living life according to this certain rules that been made up by a bunch of society who I'm pretty sure didn't know how well..
Beautiful life is.

The feeling to live life freely without worrying about rules,
concerning and drown ourselves in puny little stuff because we worried about others opinion on us.

I live my life in my own way.

I don't really care bout others opinion on me.
I say what i want even though its a blasted truth.
I'm egoistic narcissistic masochistic.

People wouldn't be able to bend my outer exterior.
They can try but its pointless.
I won't and refuse to bow to others not even my mum.

But then again..
Its my outer layer..
An opposite polar of my interior.

I'm the girl that cry in silent because I'm too ego to show my tears or my vulnerability.

Well..its not what i want to rant today

I was frustrated with the bitch that pop me out of her legs.

FYI. She's 58.
Old with multiple disease and not to mention obnoxious attitude and mindset.

I leave her mindset and attitude story another time.

Here goes nothing.

Recently,
When i wad snooping checking her stuff and phone.
Yeah i know its wrong but I'm curious of her so called love life.

I found a text that she send to this 70 years old geezer bastard and i found out apparently they secretly doing the deed and this old bitch said his dick is big and long and she feel so lucky to have it and can't wait to do blowjob.

I even found this cream.
A DHerbs cream that can make your vagina tight in her bag.

My feelings?
Nothing could ever describe it.
Devastated frustrated.
Annoyed loathe.
You named it.

And worse i have non to talk to and I've been bottling up this fucked up feeling.
Its eating me alive.
Inside out.

I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to yell and spit at her
I want to slap and beat her to pulp
I want to give a string of curse

But i can't. Sigh.

She complains about everything.
She cried claiming that she's sick or in pain.

But i can't bring myself to go and comfort her or touch her.
Its disgusting.
If she can and able to do blowjob and to open her legs at this fucked up old bastard,
I'm pretty sure she can survive by her own right?

I really can't take it anymore.
This emotional torture.
I can't even smile or laugh.

Its too much..

Dejavu

" Shattered legs may heal in time,
But some betrayals fester and poison the soul. "

It happen. Again.

Why god why..

Why I've been betrayed by people who I confide my darkest secret with.

Its really heart wrenching knowing that both the man i cherished confide with girls that i hated the most.

Ainee. Nina. Roslinda.

I know..
My ex my brother and my so called bestfriend hated my guts for i refuse to play along in this hypocrisy charade.
I refuse to acknowledge the importance of being hypocrite in order to survive this disastrous corrupt world.

I'm the outspoken bitch who speak her mind and there's nothing good will be coming out from this stupid mouth of mine.

I spoke the truth.
And yes,there's no such thing as sweet truth.
It will always be bitter and painful and the receiving end would end up harbouring hate to person who delivers it.

Its true right,
Our loved one would watch us from afar when they're dead?
Watch every step we take and every mistake we did.

So is it wrong for me to say,
He or she will witness everything we did,
Our adultery sins and stuff.
And of course they'll be devastated as we succumbed on the wrong path of life.

Its the truth.

Is it wrong for me to uphold my princip and refuse to bend it?
I willing to be called a freak.
An anomaly as long as i didn't have to be hypocrite like that roslinda bitch.

Yeah..
People will love her.
She's the soft spoken one.
The humble yet demure one.
The one who understand you better.

Open your fucked up eyes!!

She being plain hypocrite.
She pretending to be graceful so she could somehow captured your heart.

You know what.

People like you.
People like her
That got my faith disappear into thin air.

What is the point of praying if both of you end up fucking each other up?
What is the point of posting religious word and reciting al quran but couldn't even control your goddamn lust??

You like that kind of bitch huh?

Pretending to be pious and demure when behind you,she's sending nudes to your best fucking friend.
Having sex with your best fucking friend though she know that he belong to me!!
Seduced him by sending him picture of her boobs and saying that she wanted my fucking boyfriend to touch her boobs and stuff!!

You like that kind of hypocrisy right??

She's your girl right?

Good for you.