When you gone..

He's gone. For good.
Nobody knows.
Not a single soul.

He.. sigh..

I've been trying..
As much as i can..
To forget him..
To let him go.

To smile.. To laugh..

To live happily..

To.. To deny how essential he is to me..

Sigh..

I failed miserably..

Every songs remind me of him..

Everything..

Even my beautiful baby remind me of him..

Remembering how much i love his voice..his laughter..
his giggles..his stupid joke..
messing around with my head..
his clingyness..

Changing stupid pictures..
Sharing every details even the tiniest one..

Sigh..

I miss being myself with him..
Feel and say anything..
Share everything..
Without drowning myself in insecurities..

I miss pranking.. seducing him..

Free as the wind..

I miss you.. a lot..

I feel like.. half of my soul gone..
Leaving me with huge empty pitch black hole..

You.. lit my world like no other can..

And now..

I'm left with nothing..

Empty.. and lost..

Self Esteem

Eversince me/my bf case..
I keep on having this feeling..
Feeling of insecure which worsen day by day..
And not to mention my self esteem that seems to be drown away in a pitch black swamp..

I've been born with a big fat body and definitely with a ugly hideous complexion.

And been born with all this flaws has really took a toll in my social as well as my love life.

Nobody seems to be interested to date or court me.
And all my life,
I've spend day by day watching my friends been court by numerous guys regardless where they went..

Their life is easy compare to mine.
Whereby whenever they are hungry or need something,
They'll just give a rang to one their scandal..
And walllaaahhh!!!
Scandal bring their necessity right in front of the house..

As for me.
I have to go through all the trouble just to lay my hand on food.
Calling for a can,using public transport..
Walking through pouring rains or heat due to sun..

I never had a real boyfriend.
Who treat me like a princess..
Who at least remember my birthday..
Who accept me for who i am..

They used to call me pig..
And few other nasty word whenever i refuse to have sex with them..
Sigh..

Truth is..
Nobody ever remember my bornday let along celebrate it..
Nobody ever bought me a cake and wish me..
Not even my mum..

It goes on up until my 23rd birthday..
Whereby i have this awesome boyfriend who adore and love me with all his heart..
And accept me though I'm such a worthless hideous bitch..

He give me nyau..
A beautiful birthday card with sweet words on it..

He stayed up late just to wait for my birthday and wished me..

The only one who remember my birthday..
The one and only..

And..
Since he left me..
I know..
There i will never find a guy who love me for who i am..
Accept me for my flaws and perfected it with their imperfections..

I guess..
I have to spend my whole life..
Alone..

People Judge -

It seems that nasib malang aku muka menunjukkan dirinya setelah sekian lama..

Beberapa jam sebelum dia pergi..
Meninggalkan aku..

Dia beritahu yang ada masalah yang besar menanti aku dipejabat..

Kononnya rumours spread yang aku ni pathetic liar..
Gadis yang bertemankan imaginary boyfriend..
And kononnya aku ada boyfriend yang kacak,dari oversea dan beri aku bermacam hadiah..

Mereka cuba mencari siapa agent yang hot and dari oversea tu..
And apparently the whole floor tahu tentang perkara ni..

And the worst part is,
Since aku hodoh and gemuk..
So mereka tidak percaya and mengatakan aku hanya making up all this story and stuff..
And say that i can't stop parading my hot boyfriend to others..

Aku..
Entahlah..
Tuhan saja yang tahu betapa sedihnya terkilannya aku tika ini..

Sedang aku meratapi pemergian dirinya..
Kini aku dihidangkan dengan masalah sebegini rupa pula..

Telah aku cuba..
Menjauhkan diri dari semua orang..
Limitkan diri untuk bercakap dengan sesiapa melainkan lulu dan tina..

Tapi tetap jua perkara begini terjadi..

Mungkin salah aku..
Memiliki rupa yang hodoh..
Gemuk penuh dengan cacat cela..
Dan kerana semua kekurangan ini,
Aku sepatutnya tidak layak untuk punyai sesiapa..
Dan tidak layak untuk ada sesiapa menyayangi aku..

Tertekan.. Serabut..

Tiada siapa yang akan bantu aku rawat luka ini..
Dan pastinya tiada siapa yang akan peduli pada tangis airmataku..

Aku..
Dan hanya aku..