Nature Anomaly

" one should rather die than be betrayed.
There is no deceit in death.
It delivers precisely what it has promised.
Betrayal, though..
Betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. "

- Steven Deitz

Real life situation being express in words.

I've come to love this quote as i have now well learn that you aren't suppose to trust others apart from yourself.
They might be there for you.
Listening to every whine problems you may face.
But the saddest part is,
Most people pretend to listen,
And unknowingly they are gathering all those information to judge us with.

I could never understand human.
Well yes I'm a human being too but i couldn't understand their logic for hypocrisy and their judgemental attitude and not to mention their passion in making assumptions and conclusions firsthand and shoved it in that poor person throat and spit it in their face.

Surely,
I judge people too but I'm not that ignorant.
I don't judge people without listening to their argument first.
They deserve to have the right to explain their rationality for every act they pull.

At times,
I do understand that though what they did is not acceptable but then again who am i to say anything bout it.
Its not me who has to face those situations and certainly I'm not in their shoes which it didn't give me a damn right to judge their decisions at that moment.

I did..
Tons of mistake..
I hurt numbers of people who are dear to me heart..
I make stupendous choice of path which lead me to this shit hole called life..

It is my fault for being immature as per say..
It is my mistake for choosing simpler life..
Life without hassles and free from the need of behaving with such hypocrite attitude..

I know its my fault for speak what's on my mind regardless how bad or good they are is and i never let people criticize me nor my decisions because they don't know me well to judge me.

People. Him.
Keep on saying that you need to be hypocrite if you want to survive this cruel world.
And you need to grace them with fake smile in order for you to succeed in life and to be accepted in those cruel corrupt circle of community.
They even say that all those hypocrisy will eat you alive from inside out but at least it endurable tp be compared to social outcast.

I agree to disagree.

Yes,
There's nothing beautiful if you being labeled as social outcast.
It difficult to lead life when all the people hated you guts.
But for me,
I rather being labeled as a social outcast instead of being a hypocrite human being.
Yeah people will hate me,
discard and ignore me but at least i won't have to face the heart wrenching pain that will kill me alive.
I don't have to pretend that i fond of them and by the end of the day,
I beat myself out for it.

Independence for instance.

If non is as bold as Tunku Abd Rahman,
That stood on his ground and work his ass off for Malaysia to be free from British,
We wouldn't be here today.
Living in this cosy country and enjoying freedom that cost hundreds of men blood yet we still act like an ungrateful bitch and bastard we are.

People copy others because they refused to be labeled as freaks,weirdo piece of shit.
They don't even care if they imitate wrong behaviour or choose a wrong path of life as long as they are part of the community since they refuse to stand alone as a freaks.

But i have my own believe.
I have my own princips that even you can't lift me from the ground i stood on.

I choose the path that none ever choose and refuse to follow the path that has trail but i myself create a trail.
My own trail.

Regardless the end product.
I would live happily without any regrets because i know that what i have at the end is the product of my own decisions and i choose it out of my freewill.

This is me.
A freak,nature anomaly.
And I'm proud of who I am.

Sacred Love Making

Today.
I managed to stalk one of the girl that happen to be in both my ex and my brother life.

Roslinda aka Headless Bimbo.

Initially she's in my ex life as an ex as well.
And since my ex is such a man-whore,
They had sex.
No not the real sex sex but through phone kinda sex.
Sending tons of nudes and having sex through text or phone call.

My ex.
Sigh..

He used to tell me how he love when she moaning and it turn him crazy and hard.
And he also said that her body is great and she has all the curve at the right place.

What a good boyfriend he is huh..

And yeah..
He also had sex with her when we're in our very first month of relationship.

What kills me the most is when i learn that my brother had sex with her too.
The real kinda sex.

It bothers me a lot.

Each time i look at my brother or look at her pictures in her stupid instagram,
I swear i could vividly see both if them naked and having sex.

I could see him pounding,
Thrusting into her while she moaning his name.

Yea yea.. I know
Such a perverted mind.

For me,
Sex is kinda sacred.
And can only be done with someone we love.
Because when we doing it,
We literally bare our soul to whoever is bed partner.

And by knowing the fact that they had sex,
It broke me to dust.

I'm not gonna lie on how much i cry.
For days perhaps.
Sigh..

Why all the guy in my life falls for this girl?

Why they need to do thing that i consider as taboo with the same girl?

That girl is such a hypocrite piece of shit.

Saying Allah whatever not.
Pretending to be this pious innocent little girl and boy..
How i wish to spread her nudes and spread to the world that this piece of shit is so not innocent and she is nothing but the hypocrite lying bitch.

I tried to make my ex and also my brother understand on how broken i am pertaining to this issue.

But then again,
My pain fall unto deaf ears.

They can't understand on why i making a big issue out of this.

Well..
We'll see how they like it when i had sex with person that they hated the most.

But then again,
It won't do any good as they'll just shrugged it off like nothing happen.

They are oblivious.

They share different point of view and they definitely sees world differently than i am.

Self Inflict Pain

Do you know..
That moment..
Moment that you cry out of no reason..
Moment where your heart went numb and frozen due to coldness of the life..
And you just need.
Desperately needed pain.
Need to bleed.
To just know that you're alive.
Breathing in this irreversible corrupted world..

God..

How i wish life would pan out differently for me.

Not that I'm asking for a silver platter life to be hand over under my nose.

Just a simple with one person that i could depend on without going through all those hassles that I've been facing for almost a decade of my life..

Just to stop trying too much and you know..
Just go with the flow..
A decent life like others..

I know and definitely aware that i whine too much and instead of whining,
I should get a grip on myself and lived life and work my ass off for a better future.
But I'm tired.
Really really tired..
Exhausted.
And to be honest.
I loathed myself for being such a pathetic piece of shit.

Sigh..

I loathed how life pan out for me.
I loathed how incredibly hideous i am and loathed how humongous my physical are.
I loathed how permanent my heart scarred and how broken my mind is.

At times..

I just simply wish that i never was been born since i had no valid reason to live this fucked up life of mine.

Sigh..

I've been looking for painful things.
Mentally and physically.
Sad songs sad story or anything that can inflict pain to me.

Don't ask why cause i don't have the answer as well.

I just love dwelling myself in pain
Walking on shattered piece of glass.

It.. Make me feel alive..

The pain..

Regardless the source is make me feel alive..

Thus lead to tons of scar upon my skin canvas.

I'm sick. Aren't I?

Yeah.. I thought so..