Self Inflict Pain

Do you know..
That moment..
Moment that you cry out of no reason..
Moment where your heart went numb and frozen due to coldness of the life..
And you just need.
Desperately needed pain.
Need to bleed.
To just know that you're alive.
Breathing in this irreversible corrupted world..

God..

How i wish life would pan out differently for me.

Not that I'm asking for a silver platter life to be hand over under my nose.

Just a simple with one person that i could depend on without going through all those hassles that I've been facing for almost a decade of my life..

Just to stop trying too much and you know..
Just go with the flow..
A decent life like others..

I know and definitely aware that i whine too much and instead of whining,
I should get a grip on myself and lived life and work my ass off for a better future.
But I'm tired.
Really really tired..
Exhausted.
And to be honest.
I loathed myself for being such a pathetic piece of shit.

Sigh..

I loathed how life pan out for me.
I loathed how incredibly hideous i am and loathed how humongous my physical are.
I loathed how permanent my heart scarred and how broken my mind is.

At times..

I just simply wish that i never was been born since i had no valid reason to live this fucked up life of mine.

Sigh..

I've been looking for painful things.
Mentally and physically.
Sad songs sad story or anything that can inflict pain to me.

Don't ask why cause i don't have the answer as well.

I just love dwelling myself in pain
Walking on shattered piece of glass.

It.. Make me feel alive..

The pain..

Regardless the source is make me feel alive..

Thus lead to tons of scar upon my skin canvas.

I'm sick. Aren't I?

Yeah.. I thought so..