Dejavu

" Shattered legs may heal in time,
But some betrayals fester and poison the soul. "

It happen. Again.

Why god why..

Why I've been betrayed by people who I confide my darkest secret with.

Its really heart wrenching knowing that both the man i cherished confide with girls that i hated the most.

Ainee. Nina. Roslinda.

I know..
My ex my brother and my so called bestfriend hated my guts for i refuse to play along in this hypocrisy charade.
I refuse to acknowledge the importance of being hypocrite in order to survive this disastrous corrupt world.

I'm the outspoken bitch who speak her mind and there's nothing good will be coming out from this stupid mouth of mine.

I spoke the truth.
And yes,there's no such thing as sweet truth.
It will always be bitter and painful and the receiving end would end up harbouring hate to person who delivers it.

Its true right,
Our loved one would watch us from afar when they're dead?
Watch every step we take and every mistake we did.

So is it wrong for me to say,
He or she will witness everything we did,
Our adultery sins and stuff.
And of course they'll be devastated as we succumbed on the wrong path of life.

Its the truth.

Is it wrong for me to uphold my princip and refuse to bend it?
I willing to be called a freak.
An anomaly as long as i didn't have to be hypocrite like that roslinda bitch.

Yeah..
People will love her.
She's the soft spoken one.
The humble yet demure one.
The one who understand you better.

Open your fucked up eyes!!

She being plain hypocrite.
She pretending to be graceful so she could somehow captured your heart.

You know what.

People like you.
People like her
That got my faith disappear into thin air.

What is the point of praying if both of you end up fucking each other up?
What is the point of posting religious word and reciting al quran but couldn't even control your goddamn lust??

You like that kind of bitch huh?

Pretending to be pious and demure when behind you,she's sending nudes to your best fucking friend.
Having sex with your best fucking friend though she know that he belong to me!!
Seduced him by sending him picture of her boobs and saying that she wanted my fucking boyfriend to touch her boobs and stuff!!

You like that kind of hypocrisy right??

She's your girl right?

Good for you.

Nature Anomaly

" one should rather die than be betrayed.
There is no deceit in death.
It delivers precisely what it has promised.
Betrayal, though..
Betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. "

- Steven Deitz

Real life situation being express in words.

I've come to love this quote as i have now well learn that you aren't suppose to trust others apart from yourself.
They might be there for you.
Listening to every whine problems you may face.
But the saddest part is,
Most people pretend to listen,
And unknowingly they are gathering all those information to judge us with.

I could never understand human.
Well yes I'm a human being too but i couldn't understand their logic for hypocrisy and their judgemental attitude and not to mention their passion in making assumptions and conclusions firsthand and shoved it in that poor person throat and spit it in their face.

Surely,
I judge people too but I'm not that ignorant.
I don't judge people without listening to their argument first.
They deserve to have the right to explain their rationality for every act they pull.

At times,
I do understand that though what they did is not acceptable but then again who am i to say anything bout it.
Its not me who has to face those situations and certainly I'm not in their shoes which it didn't give me a damn right to judge their decisions at that moment.

I did..
Tons of mistake..
I hurt numbers of people who are dear to me heart..
I make stupendous choice of path which lead me to this shit hole called life..

It is my fault for being immature as per say..
It is my mistake for choosing simpler life..
Life without hassles and free from the need of behaving with such hypocrite attitude..

I know its my fault for speak what's on my mind regardless how bad or good they are is and i never let people criticize me nor my decisions because they don't know me well to judge me.

People. Him.
Keep on saying that you need to be hypocrite if you want to survive this cruel world.
And you need to grace them with fake smile in order for you to succeed in life and to be accepted in those cruel corrupt circle of community.
They even say that all those hypocrisy will eat you alive from inside out but at least it endurable tp be compared to social outcast.

I agree to disagree.

Yes,
There's nothing beautiful if you being labeled as social outcast.
It difficult to lead life when all the people hated you guts.
But for me,
I rather being labeled as a social outcast instead of being a hypocrite human being.
Yeah people will hate me,
discard and ignore me but at least i won't have to face the heart wrenching pain that will kill me alive.
I don't have to pretend that i fond of them and by the end of the day,
I beat myself out for it.

Independence for instance.

If non is as bold as Tunku Abd Rahman,
That stood on his ground and work his ass off for Malaysia to be free from British,
We wouldn't be here today.
Living in this cosy country and enjoying freedom that cost hundreds of men blood yet we still act like an ungrateful bitch and bastard we are.

People copy others because they refused to be labeled as freaks,weirdo piece of shit.
They don't even care if they imitate wrong behaviour or choose a wrong path of life as long as they are part of the community since they refuse to stand alone as a freaks.

But i have my own believe.
I have my own princips that even you can't lift me from the ground i stood on.

I choose the path that none ever choose and refuse to follow the path that has trail but i myself create a trail.
My own trail.

Regardless the end product.
I would live happily without any regrets because i know that what i have at the end is the product of my own decisions and i choose it out of my freewill.

This is me.
A freak,nature anomaly.
And I'm proud of who I am.

Sacred Love Making

Today.
I managed to stalk one of the girl that happen to be in both my ex and my brother life.

Roslinda aka Headless Bimbo.

Initially she's in my ex life as an ex as well.
And since my ex is such a man-whore,
They had sex.
No not the real sex sex but through phone kinda sex.
Sending tons of nudes and having sex through text or phone call.

My ex.
Sigh..

He used to tell me how he love when she moaning and it turn him crazy and hard.
And he also said that her body is great and she has all the curve at the right place.

What a good boyfriend he is huh..

And yeah..
He also had sex with her when we're in our very first month of relationship.

What kills me the most is when i learn that my brother had sex with her too.
The real kinda sex.

It bothers me a lot.

Each time i look at my brother or look at her pictures in her stupid instagram,
I swear i could vividly see both if them naked and having sex.

I could see him pounding,
Thrusting into her while she moaning his name.

Yea yea.. I know
Such a perverted mind.

For me,
Sex is kinda sacred.
And can only be done with someone we love.
Because when we doing it,
We literally bare our soul to whoever is bed partner.

And by knowing the fact that they had sex,
It broke me to dust.

I'm not gonna lie on how much i cry.
For days perhaps.
Sigh..

Why all the guy in my life falls for this girl?

Why they need to do thing that i consider as taboo with the same girl?

That girl is such a hypocrite piece of shit.

Saying Allah whatever not.
Pretending to be this pious innocent little girl and boy..
How i wish to spread her nudes and spread to the world that this piece of shit is so not innocent and she is nothing but the hypocrite lying bitch.

I tried to make my ex and also my brother understand on how broken i am pertaining to this issue.

But then again,
My pain fall unto deaf ears.

They can't understand on why i making a big issue out of this.

Well..
We'll see how they like it when i had sex with person that they hated the most.

But then again,
It won't do any good as they'll just shrugged it off like nothing happen.

They are oblivious.

They share different point of view and they definitely sees world differently than i am.

Self Inflict Pain

Do you know..
That moment..
Moment that you cry out of no reason..
Moment where your heart went numb and frozen due to coldness of the life..
And you just need.
Desperately needed pain.
Need to bleed.
To just know that you're alive.
Breathing in this irreversible corrupted world..

God..

How i wish life would pan out differently for me.

Not that I'm asking for a silver platter life to be hand over under my nose.

Just a simple with one person that i could depend on without going through all those hassles that I've been facing for almost a decade of my life..

Just to stop trying too much and you know..
Just go with the flow..
A decent life like others..

I know and definitely aware that i whine too much and instead of whining,
I should get a grip on myself and lived life and work my ass off for a better future.
But I'm tired.
Really really tired..
Exhausted.
And to be honest.
I loathed myself for being such a pathetic piece of shit.

Sigh..

I loathed how life pan out for me.
I loathed how incredibly hideous i am and loathed how humongous my physical are.
I loathed how permanent my heart scarred and how broken my mind is.

At times..

I just simply wish that i never was been born since i had no valid reason to live this fucked up life of mine.

Sigh..

I've been looking for painful things.
Mentally and physically.
Sad songs sad story or anything that can inflict pain to me.

Don't ask why cause i don't have the answer as well.

I just love dwelling myself in pain
Walking on shattered piece of glass.

It.. Make me feel alive..

The pain..

Regardless the source is make me feel alive..

Thus lead to tons of scar upon my skin canvas.

I'm sick. Aren't I?

Yeah.. I thought so..

Jalan Hidup

Setelah aku lewati realiti sebuah kehidupan,
Baru aku sedari yang apa saja aku angankan tika remaja usiaku takkan mudah untuk ku gapai..

Di penghujung hidup selama 23tahun,
Dikala teman seumur punyai segala,
Namun bagiku,
Tiada apa yang ku capai untuk aku banggakan malah..
Hidupku masih terumbang ambing mencari arah tujuan hidup..
Erti sebuah kehidupan..

Aku bingung..
Dan tiap masa ku lewati sendirian,
Sesalan mula merentap rantai jiwaku..

Penyesalan pada laluan hidup yang ku pilih..
Penyesalan pada khilaf ku mencaturi hidupku..

Dan..

Adakalanya aku mempersoalkan..
Jika lain laluan yang ku pilih..
Mungkinkah hidup ini kan berbeda?
Mungkinkah saat ini aku mampu tersenyum bahagia..bangga..

Kuasa 'what if'..

Alangkah indah dunia andai peluang kedua benar2 wujud..
Dan alangkah bahagianya aku andai ku punya kesempatan untuk pulang ke masa lalu dan perbaiki tiap lopak kekhilafan yang kini menghantui tiap langkah perjalananku..

Andai saja dapat ku lakukan semua itu..
Ahhh..mimpi di siang hari saja kau..

Gusar membayangkan hari mendatang..

Sigh..

It has been awhile since I write.
Banyak yang berlaku kebelakangan ni.
Antaranya?
Well..
May aku kenal new colleague yang aku langsung tak perasan kewujudan dia sampailah kawan aku tegur mamat yang duduk sebelah aku tu cute.
And entah macam mana,
Kami jadi rapat.
Rapat sampai colleagues lain salah faham tentang hubungan kami.
Tapi kali ni,
Bukan tentang dia yang aku nak luahkan.
Mungkin di lain hari,
Bila aku ada mood nak membebel.
Apa yang aku nak luahkan kali ni..
Sigh..
Last month aku pindah rumah baru.
So biasalah,
Deposit, moving cost and everything and never occurred to me that my previous sweety pie akan sakit and required a major surgery and cost me a fortune.
Due to that i had to..you know..
Ikat perut untuk beberapa hari.
Hanya minum air kosong saja.
Nak pinjam dengan kawan memang aku tak mampu and tak reti..
So aku end up pinjam dengan abang aku and janji to pay him back bila dapat gaji and without knowing that gaji aku kali ni kena potong dalam 1ribu macam tu.
Bila bayar sewa rumah and bayar duit dia,
Aku akan ada hanya rm50 untuk hidup and bertahan selama sebulan.
Aku..
Cuba jelaskan pada dia.
Bukannya aku taknak bayar tapi aku tak tahu yang company akan potong gaji aku.
Macam2 cara aku cuba sampaikan aku rendahkan ego aku and merayu tapi..
Memang aku terasa hati sangat2.
Dia cakap dia faham and macam2 lagilah and lihatlah sekarang apa yang dia lakukan..
Aku pulangkan semula pepper spray yang dia bagi termasuk dengan duit tu..
Tak apalah..
Memang tanpa duit tu,
aku terpaksa berjalan tengah2 malam and berdepan dengan risiko kena rompak or ragut.
Apa lagi yang mampu aku lakukan..
Dia telah berjaya buktikan pada aku yang memang aku ditakdirkan hidup sendiri..
And tak kira macam mana keadaan kau sekalipun,susah ke senang ke nak mati ke,
Tak ada orang akan peduli.
You're on your own and nobody give a shit bout you.