angel baby

baby.

i got myself a cat.
a very cute one.

grumpy face. bulu kembang.

tapi garang yang amat.
asal pegang je dia cakar and gigit.
and disebabkan dia terlalu comel,
aku tak boleh resist temptation untuk gomol dia.
and yes,
aku end up kena cakar sampai berdarah2.

sigh.

tapi,
minggu ni, baby lain.
manja.

suddenly datang and bermanja.
even sleep with me.
tunggu when i went to toilet.
she never let me out of her sight.

she become panic whenever she didn't see me on my bed and started to meowing,
as if she's calling and looking for me.

and she even hugged me.

she's different.

why?

dreams remain dreams

dreams are wonderful.

and painful if it stay as dream due to time restriction or burden of life.

as a normal human being,
i also have dreams.
lots of it.
but am not sure if i ever gonna make it through and live my dream.

so, here goes nothing.

i dreamed to lead a life.
with me alone without family bullshit,housemate that ticking me off or mum that somehow will drive me crazy.

to wake up in my cozy small little house and enjoy the cold and peaceful morning with my favourite music.

to just live life without anything to worry.

dream to improve my fucked up life and yes to be free from all these burden that I've been carrying my whole life.

dream to go somewhere.
place with beautiful beach and pearly white sand.

dream to watch sunset with someone i love dearly and spend the rest of the night in his arm.
safe and sound.

dream to open a small place for homeless kitty and find them a good human with angelic heart to foster and love them unconditionally.

dream to do everything that i couldn't do when i was a kid since I've been living with abuser and fucked up step dad.

dream to treat my child as they should be treated so that they grow and become a happy cheerful yet independent with golden heart human being.
not some asshole jerk with abusive past.
and to provide them everything they deserve so that they doesn't end up like me.

above are my major dream.
my most significant and important dream.

a lifetime goal.

and now..
with this condition of mine..
am sure enough..
it'll remain as dream as i doesn't have enough time to make it come true..

sigh..

though i'm in terrible pain,
but then, the pain of knowing that i couldn't live to see the rest of the day are far more agonizing.

break me to pieces.

unfulfilled wish

annoying. nuisance. irritating.

yes i know.
how pain in the ass i can be sometimes.

i irritate him.
by forcing him to come and meet me though i know he wasn't ready.

terasa hati. sedih.
Tuhan jelah yang tahu.

if he dare enough to meet everyone,
to even set up bundles of blind date before,
and even meet miss perfect lah
miss sweety pie lah,
why can't he meet me?

i wasn't after for his money,
or force him to treat me stuff
or to pay for anything.

i just want him. sigh.

am i that ugly? that hideous?
too gross till he giving me tons of excuse.. :'(

and now..
i can't meet him.
no,i refuse to meet him anymore.

can't meet him in this kind of condition.

with my hair severely gugur and how much pain i'm in right now and suffer from constant headache.
how can i meet him when i need to depend on pain killer to live my day less painful.

sigh.
nowadays, my eyes betrays me.
i can't even see clearly anymore.

i just hope.

I'll live to see him become someone he always wanted.

survive the day to at least see him successfully rise from his fallen life.