Pain

I thought i was immune to pain as pain has become my nature part of my life.
And i was wrong..

This is why i refuse to open up refuse to bare my soul to anyone.
This is why i doesn't want become attached with anyone.

I tried. I did tried.

I care too much..

It hurts..god it does..

Aku tak tahu macam mana nak describe how wounded i am..

I never wanted for him to hurt more that he ever did..
I never meant for him to feel worse..
I tried my best to give him time..
Space..
Not to push him not to suffocate him..

He said i was important to him
But now..somehow i doubt it..

I tried my best not to cry and stop this conversation befote its too late..
Before both of us say something hurtful to each other..
Words that could leave permanent effect..
I tried so hard not to cry..
I tried..
And i failed..

Kata2 dia..
Tak pernah gagal untuk lukakan aku..
Tak pernah gagal untuk buat aku menangis..
Tak pernah gagal untuk hancurkan hati aku yang sememangnya rapuh..

Kata2 dia..
Sakit...
Buat aku rasa untuk duduk disudut gelap dan sunyi..
Menangis..

Aku tak tahu apa lagi harus aku lakukan..
Semuanya salah dimata dia..
Semuanya tak kena..

I guess he was right..

He's alone.. So am I..

I will never understand his pain and for sure he never would understand mine..

The more both of us tried,
The greater the pain is..
The deeper the wound will be..

I promise with my very own tattered soul..
I would never ever burdened him with my ridiculous stupendous life nor problems..

Scumbag Whore

Sex.
Its a taboo topic for me.
And a sore subject as well due to certain someone.

I'm not so conservative type of girl.
Why?
Well for me,
Definition for conservative are the girl or the guy living life according to this certain rules that been made up by a bunch of society who I'm pretty sure didn't know how well..
Beautiful life is.

The feeling to live life freely without worrying about rules,
concerning and drown ourselves in puny little stuff because we worried about others opinion on us.

I live my life in my own way.

I don't really care bout others opinion on me.
I say what i want even though its a blasted truth.
I'm egoistic narcissistic masochistic.

People wouldn't be able to bend my outer exterior.
They can try but its pointless.
I won't and refuse to bow to others not even my mum.

But then again..
Its my outer layer..
An opposite polar of my interior.

I'm the girl that cry in silent because I'm too ego to show my tears or my vulnerability.

Well..its not what i want to rant today

I was frustrated with the bitch that pop me out of her legs.

FYI. She's 58.
Old with multiple disease and not to mention obnoxious attitude and mindset.

I leave her mindset and attitude story another time.

Here goes nothing.

Recently,
When i wad snooping checking her stuff and phone.
Yeah i know its wrong but I'm curious of her so called love life.

I found a text that she send to this 70 years old geezer bastard and i found out apparently they secretly doing the deed and this old bitch said his dick is big and long and she feel so lucky to have it and can't wait to do blowjob.

I even found this cream.
A DHerbs cream that can make your vagina tight in her bag.

My feelings?
Nothing could ever describe it.
Devastated frustrated.
Annoyed loathe.
You named it.

And worse i have non to talk to and I've been bottling up this fucked up feeling.
Its eating me alive.
Inside out.

I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to yell and spit at her
I want to slap and beat her to pulp
I want to give a string of curse

But i can't. Sigh.

She complains about everything.
She cried claiming that she's sick or in pain.

But i can't bring myself to go and comfort her or touch her.
Its disgusting.
If she can and able to do blowjob and to open her legs at this fucked up old bastard,
I'm pretty sure she can survive by her own right?

I really can't take it anymore.
This emotional torture.
I can't even smile or laugh.

Its too much..

Dejavu

" Shattered legs may heal in time,
But some betrayals fester and poison the soul. "

It happen. Again.

Why god why..

Why I've been betrayed by people who I confide my darkest secret with.

Its really heart wrenching knowing that both the man i cherished confide with girls that i hated the most.

Ainee. Nina. Roslinda.

I know..
My ex my brother and my so called bestfriend hated my guts for i refuse to play along in this hypocrisy charade.
I refuse to acknowledge the importance of being hypocrite in order to survive this disastrous corrupt world.

I'm the outspoken bitch who speak her mind and there's nothing good will be coming out from this stupid mouth of mine.

I spoke the truth.
And yes,there's no such thing as sweet truth.
It will always be bitter and painful and the receiving end would end up harbouring hate to person who delivers it.

Its true right,
Our loved one would watch us from afar when they're dead?
Watch every step we take and every mistake we did.

So is it wrong for me to say,
He or she will witness everything we did,
Our adultery sins and stuff.
And of course they'll be devastated as we succumbed on the wrong path of life.

Its the truth.

Is it wrong for me to uphold my princip and refuse to bend it?
I willing to be called a freak.
An anomaly as long as i didn't have to be hypocrite like that roslinda bitch.

Yeah..
People will love her.
She's the soft spoken one.
The humble yet demure one.
The one who understand you better.

Open your fucked up eyes!!

She being plain hypocrite.
She pretending to be graceful so she could somehow captured your heart.

You know what.

People like you.
People like her
That got my faith disappear into thin air.

What is the point of praying if both of you end up fucking each other up?
What is the point of posting religious word and reciting al quran but couldn't even control your goddamn lust??

You like that kind of bitch huh?

Pretending to be pious and demure when behind you,she's sending nudes to your best fucking friend.
Having sex with your best fucking friend though she know that he belong to me!!
Seduced him by sending him picture of her boobs and saying that she wanted my fucking boyfriend to touch her boobs and stuff!!

You like that kind of hypocrisy right??

She's your girl right?

Good for you.

Nature Anomaly

" one should rather die than be betrayed.
There is no deceit in death.
It delivers precisely what it has promised.
Betrayal, though..
Betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. "

- Steven Deitz

Real life situation being express in words.

I've come to love this quote as i have now well learn that you aren't suppose to trust others apart from yourself.
They might be there for you.
Listening to every whine problems you may face.
But the saddest part is,
Most people pretend to listen,
And unknowingly they are gathering all those information to judge us with.

I could never understand human.
Well yes I'm a human being too but i couldn't understand their logic for hypocrisy and their judgemental attitude and not to mention their passion in making assumptions and conclusions firsthand and shoved it in that poor person throat and spit it in their face.

Surely,
I judge people too but I'm not that ignorant.
I don't judge people without listening to their argument first.
They deserve to have the right to explain their rationality for every act they pull.

At times,
I do understand that though what they did is not acceptable but then again who am i to say anything bout it.
Its not me who has to face those situations and certainly I'm not in their shoes which it didn't give me a damn right to judge their decisions at that moment.

I did..
Tons of mistake..
I hurt numbers of people who are dear to me heart..
I make stupendous choice of path which lead me to this shit hole called life..

It is my fault for being immature as per say..
It is my mistake for choosing simpler life..
Life without hassles and free from the need of behaving with such hypocrite attitude..

I know its my fault for speak what's on my mind regardless how bad or good they are is and i never let people criticize me nor my decisions because they don't know me well to judge me.

People. Him.
Keep on saying that you need to be hypocrite if you want to survive this cruel world.
And you need to grace them with fake smile in order for you to succeed in life and to be accepted in those cruel corrupt circle of community.
They even say that all those hypocrisy will eat you alive from inside out but at least it endurable tp be compared to social outcast.

I agree to disagree.

Yes,
There's nothing beautiful if you being labeled as social outcast.
It difficult to lead life when all the people hated you guts.
But for me,
I rather being labeled as a social outcast instead of being a hypocrite human being.
Yeah people will hate me,
discard and ignore me but at least i won't have to face the heart wrenching pain that will kill me alive.
I don't have to pretend that i fond of them and by the end of the day,
I beat myself out for it.

Independence for instance.

If non is as bold as Tunku Abd Rahman,
That stood on his ground and work his ass off for Malaysia to be free from British,
We wouldn't be here today.
Living in this cosy country and enjoying freedom that cost hundreds of men blood yet we still act like an ungrateful bitch and bastard we are.

People copy others because they refused to be labeled as freaks,weirdo piece of shit.
They don't even care if they imitate wrong behaviour or choose a wrong path of life as long as they are part of the community since they refuse to stand alone as a freaks.

But i have my own believe.
I have my own princips that even you can't lift me from the ground i stood on.

I choose the path that none ever choose and refuse to follow the path that has trail but i myself create a trail.
My own trail.

Regardless the end product.
I would live happily without any regrets because i know that what i have at the end is the product of my own decisions and i choose it out of my freewill.

This is me.
A freak,nature anomaly.
And I'm proud of who I am.

Sacred Love Making

Today.
I managed to stalk one of the girl that happen to be in both my ex and my brother life.

Roslinda aka Headless Bimbo.

Initially she's in my ex life as an ex as well.
And since my ex is such a man-whore,
They had sex.
No not the real sex sex but through phone kinda sex.
Sending tons of nudes and having sex through text or phone call.

My ex.
Sigh..

He used to tell me how he love when she moaning and it turn him crazy and hard.
And he also said that her body is great and she has all the curve at the right place.

What a good boyfriend he is huh..

And yeah..
He also had sex with her when we're in our very first month of relationship.

What kills me the most is when i learn that my brother had sex with her too.
The real kinda sex.

It bothers me a lot.

Each time i look at my brother or look at her pictures in her stupid instagram,
I swear i could vividly see both if them naked and having sex.

I could see him pounding,
Thrusting into her while she moaning his name.

Yea yea.. I know
Such a perverted mind.

For me,
Sex is kinda sacred.
And can only be done with someone we love.
Because when we doing it,
We literally bare our soul to whoever is bed partner.

And by knowing the fact that they had sex,
It broke me to dust.

I'm not gonna lie on how much i cry.
For days perhaps.
Sigh..

Why all the guy in my life falls for this girl?

Why they need to do thing that i consider as taboo with the same girl?

That girl is such a hypocrite piece of shit.

Saying Allah whatever not.
Pretending to be this pious innocent little girl and boy..
How i wish to spread her nudes and spread to the world that this piece of shit is so not innocent and she is nothing but the hypocrite lying bitch.

I tried to make my ex and also my brother understand on how broken i am pertaining to this issue.

But then again,
My pain fall unto deaf ears.

They can't understand on why i making a big issue out of this.

Well..
We'll see how they like it when i had sex with person that they hated the most.

But then again,
It won't do any good as they'll just shrugged it off like nothing happen.

They are oblivious.

They share different point of view and they definitely sees world differently than i am.

Self Inflict Pain

Do you know..
That moment..
Moment that you cry out of no reason..
Moment where your heart went numb and frozen due to coldness of the life..
And you just need.
Desperately needed pain.
Need to bleed.
To just know that you're alive.
Breathing in this irreversible corrupted world..

God..

How i wish life would pan out differently for me.

Not that I'm asking for a silver platter life to be hand over under my nose.

Just a simple with one person that i could depend on without going through all those hassles that I've been facing for almost a decade of my life..

Just to stop trying too much and you know..
Just go with the flow..
A decent life like others..

I know and definitely aware that i whine too much and instead of whining,
I should get a grip on myself and lived life and work my ass off for a better future.
But I'm tired.
Really really tired..
Exhausted.
And to be honest.
I loathed myself for being such a pathetic piece of shit.

Sigh..

I loathed how life pan out for me.
I loathed how incredibly hideous i am and loathed how humongous my physical are.
I loathed how permanent my heart scarred and how broken my mind is.

At times..

I just simply wish that i never was been born since i had no valid reason to live this fucked up life of mine.

Sigh..

I've been looking for painful things.
Mentally and physically.
Sad songs sad story or anything that can inflict pain to me.

Don't ask why cause i don't have the answer as well.

I just love dwelling myself in pain
Walking on shattered piece of glass.

It.. Make me feel alive..

The pain..

Regardless the source is make me feel alive..

Thus lead to tons of scar upon my skin canvas.

I'm sick. Aren't I?

Yeah.. I thought so..

Jalan Hidup

Setelah aku lewati realiti sebuah kehidupan,
Baru aku sedari yang apa saja aku angankan tika remaja usiaku takkan mudah untuk ku gapai..

Di penghujung hidup selama 23tahun,
Dikala teman seumur punyai segala,
Namun bagiku,
Tiada apa yang ku capai untuk aku banggakan malah..
Hidupku masih terumbang ambing mencari arah tujuan hidup..
Erti sebuah kehidupan..

Aku bingung..
Dan tiap masa ku lewati sendirian,
Sesalan mula merentap rantai jiwaku..

Penyesalan pada laluan hidup yang ku pilih..
Penyesalan pada khilaf ku mencaturi hidupku..

Dan..

Adakalanya aku mempersoalkan..
Jika lain laluan yang ku pilih..
Mungkinkah hidup ini kan berbeda?
Mungkinkah saat ini aku mampu tersenyum bahagia..bangga..

Kuasa 'what if'..

Alangkah indah dunia andai peluang kedua benar2 wujud..
Dan alangkah bahagianya aku andai ku punya kesempatan untuk pulang ke masa lalu dan perbaiki tiap lopak kekhilafan yang kini menghantui tiap langkah perjalananku..

Andai saja dapat ku lakukan semua itu..
Ahhh..mimpi di siang hari saja kau..

Gusar membayangkan hari mendatang..

Sigh..

It has been awhile since I write.
Banyak yang berlaku kebelakangan ni.
Antaranya?
Well..
May aku kenal new colleague yang aku langsung tak perasan kewujudan dia sampailah kawan aku tegur mamat yang duduk sebelah aku tu cute.
And entah macam mana,
Kami jadi rapat.
Rapat sampai colleagues lain salah faham tentang hubungan kami.
Tapi kali ni,
Bukan tentang dia yang aku nak luahkan.
Mungkin di lain hari,
Bila aku ada mood nak membebel.
Apa yang aku nak luahkan kali ni..
Sigh..
Last month aku pindah rumah baru.
So biasalah,
Deposit, moving cost and everything and never occurred to me that my previous sweety pie akan sakit and required a major surgery and cost me a fortune.
Due to that i had to..you know..
Ikat perut untuk beberapa hari.
Hanya minum air kosong saja.
Nak pinjam dengan kawan memang aku tak mampu and tak reti..
So aku end up pinjam dengan abang aku and janji to pay him back bila dapat gaji and without knowing that gaji aku kali ni kena potong dalam 1ribu macam tu.
Bila bayar sewa rumah and bayar duit dia,
Aku akan ada hanya rm50 untuk hidup and bertahan selama sebulan.
Aku..
Cuba jelaskan pada dia.
Bukannya aku taknak bayar tapi aku tak tahu yang company akan potong gaji aku.
Macam2 cara aku cuba sampaikan aku rendahkan ego aku and merayu tapi..
Memang aku terasa hati sangat2.
Dia cakap dia faham and macam2 lagilah and lihatlah sekarang apa yang dia lakukan..
Aku pulangkan semula pepper spray yang dia bagi termasuk dengan duit tu..
Tak apalah..
Memang tanpa duit tu,
aku terpaksa berjalan tengah2 malam and berdepan dengan risiko kena rompak or ragut.
Apa lagi yang mampu aku lakukan..
Dia telah berjaya buktikan pada aku yang memang aku ditakdirkan hidup sendiri..
And tak kira macam mana keadaan kau sekalipun,susah ke senang ke nak mati ke,
Tak ada orang akan peduli.
You're on your own and nobody give a shit bout you.

Lonely Quiz

Just now, due to boredom.
I took a lonely quiz where they can measure how lonely we are.
Guess what my marks is??
Well..
I score 35 in that bloody quiz and into extreme loneliness group.
Yeay!! Happy me!!
To be honest,
Yeah I admit that my life is getting boring and boring.
I got no one to talk to
No one to seek comfort
My one and only bff is currently busy with his new life.
And yeah..he has changed.
He still same but different shades of same..
I guess he met new people
Mingle with a whole new different group of human being.
The type that i hate the most.
What can i say..
Its his choice.
And my so called brother has bless me with utmost pain ever..
Truth is my salary has been cut down by 1k which left me with 1k to survive for my next payday.
And by the time i paid the rent and his money that i owe,
I'll left with 50bucks.
I wouldn't be able to pay the utilities bills or even afford myself a taxi ride at night since i don't own a car.
So every morning i walk for few kilometers and same goes every night..
And after he's been so adamant bout me paying him up,
I give up and gave the money and also the pepper spray he bought.
I never begged since I enjoy being an egoistic human being but when i begged,it means that its my last resolution.
I don't even know how to explain how broken i am because of him.
He talk to me like i refuse to pay his money up and make me feels like a beggar. A pest.
Eversince then,
I didn't text him nor reply to his text.
There's nothing left to be said anymore.
And yeah..
Here i am. Alone.

Memoirs

I couldn't stop smiling..
Well I guess this is the side effect of falling in love deeply..
Sweetest guy I ever met and truth to be told us that I melt like putty in his hand..

Gosh...

I still remember vividly last night..
Spending time singing talking laughing with him..

I wish.. I wish I could kiss those lush lips of him...

I wish I could just hold him and caress him..

God... Please help me..

I love him and its irreversible..

Him.

After my failure in my so called relationship.

I never thought I can make myself to be this close with any man.

Especially when somebody left a prominent scar in my heart.

Who am I trying to lie when I thought there will be a guy who love me truly regardless my physical misfortune.

But with him.

I could be me.

The clumsy butterfinger girl.
The terrible body coordination girl.

We spent enormous time together and without him,
I don't know..
I feel so incomplete..
Fragile..exposed..

I can't say this is love..
Not when my so called love ended with a disaster..

Sigh..
Why life has to be so complicated..

Tonight.
As we walked through the rain.
He sang he laugh.
And I feel my life complete by hearing his laughter..

And.. After his long leave..
His vibe towards me has change..
I'm not certain if this is only my feeling and I'm deluding..

But then..
I can see he tend to protect me.
Help me in every way possible.
Even I can see glint of happiness in his eyes when I inform him that I'll be his neighbour.

Did he love me as much as I love him?

I wish I know..

I wish I have the strength..

I doesn't want to lose this friendship..

Tonight..
The night I feel so broken..
Broken and empty..

Devastated.. Agony..
Lurking in the very air that I breathe..

Tears shedding..
The pain still remain..
Deeper as time passed..

Broken Piece

Why...
After all this time..
I still feels this stabbing pain..
Shed my tears for broken piece of memory..

I wish..
I could cry away all this pain..

I wish..
I could drown away this memories in an evergoing river..

I wish...
I just wish...
I wasn't to naive before..
Naive in believing something that will ever never happen..

Why..
Are God toying with me life?
My heart.. My soul..

Aren't He suppose to love me?
Protect me? Care for me?

I know I know..

I shouldn't blame Him..

Its my pure stupidity for falling in a deep sea which I will never survive..

My conscience..
My logic part of brain..
Knocking yelling for the truth which I choose to ignore for being blinded by cloudy haze of love..

Love... Deep and deeper...

Love...

And I..

Broken soulless shell..

Soulless..

Everything

Everything..
Feels so wrong..

My life..
Seems so cold damp
With no sunrays heat to warm me up..

The girl I used to know..
Somehow has left me in this unknown pitch black hole..
And all I could see
Are the reflection of an empty shell..

Lifeless.. Broken..

I know..
I'm recoiling back..
To girl I used to be..

What can I do?
What will I do?

My condemn soul are in too much pain..
And..
I would be selfish is I force it to stay..
But..
If I were to let it go..
I'll be empty.. Soulless..
With no purpose walking..
Living in this dreadful world..

Empty..
Soulless..

I'm about to do something bad. Is it worth it? Sigh..

When you gone..

He's gone. For good.
Nobody knows.
Not a single soul.

He.. sigh..

I've been trying..
As much as i can..
To forget him..
To let him go.

To smile.. To laugh..

To live happily..

To.. To deny how essential he is to me..

Sigh..

I failed miserably..

Every songs remind me of him..

Everything..

Even my beautiful baby remind me of him..

Remembering how much i love his voice..his laughter..
his giggles..his stupid joke..
messing around with my head..
his clingyness..

Changing stupid pictures..
Sharing every details even the tiniest one..

Sigh..

I miss being myself with him..
Feel and say anything..
Share everything..
Without drowning myself in insecurities..

I miss pranking.. seducing him..

Free as the wind..

I miss you.. a lot..

I feel like.. half of my soul gone..
Leaving me with huge empty pitch black hole..

You.. lit my world like no other can..

And now..

I'm left with nothing..

Empty.. and lost..

Self Esteem

Eversince me/my bf case..
I keep on having this feeling..
Feeling of insecure which worsen day by day..
And not to mention my self esteem that seems to be drown away in a pitch black swamp..

I've been born with a big fat body and definitely with a ugly hideous complexion.

And been born with all this flaws has really took a toll in my social as well as my love life.

Nobody seems to be interested to date or court me.
And all my life,
I've spend day by day watching my friends been court by numerous guys regardless where they went..

Their life is easy compare to mine.
Whereby whenever they are hungry or need something,
They'll just give a rang to one their scandal..
And walllaaahhh!!!
Scandal bring their necessity right in front of the house..

As for me.
I have to go through all the trouble just to lay my hand on food.
Calling for a can,using public transport..
Walking through pouring rains or heat due to sun..

I never had a real boyfriend.
Who treat me like a princess..
Who at least remember my birthday..
Who accept me for who i am..

They used to call me pig..
And few other nasty word whenever i refuse to have sex with them..
Sigh..

Truth is..
Nobody ever remember my bornday let along celebrate it..
Nobody ever bought me a cake and wish me..
Not even my mum..

It goes on up until my 23rd birthday..
Whereby i have this awesome boyfriend who adore and love me with all his heart..
And accept me though I'm such a worthless hideous bitch..

He give me nyau..
A beautiful birthday card with sweet words on it..

He stayed up late just to wait for my birthday and wished me..

The only one who remember my birthday..
The one and only..

And..
Since he left me..
I know..
There i will never find a guy who love me for who i am..
Accept me for my flaws and perfected it with their imperfections..

I guess..
I have to spend my whole life..
Alone..

People Judge -

It seems that nasib malang aku muka menunjukkan dirinya setelah sekian lama..

Beberapa jam sebelum dia pergi..
Meninggalkan aku..

Dia beritahu yang ada masalah yang besar menanti aku dipejabat..

Kononnya rumours spread yang aku ni pathetic liar..
Gadis yang bertemankan imaginary boyfriend..
And kononnya aku ada boyfriend yang kacak,dari oversea dan beri aku bermacam hadiah..

Mereka cuba mencari siapa agent yang hot and dari oversea tu..
And apparently the whole floor tahu tentang perkara ni..

And the worst part is,
Since aku hodoh and gemuk..
So mereka tidak percaya and mengatakan aku hanya making up all this story and stuff..
And say that i can't stop parading my hot boyfriend to others..

Aku..
Entahlah..
Tuhan saja yang tahu betapa sedihnya terkilannya aku tika ini..

Sedang aku meratapi pemergian dirinya..
Kini aku dihidangkan dengan masalah sebegini rupa pula..

Telah aku cuba..
Menjauhkan diri dari semua orang..
Limitkan diri untuk bercakap dengan sesiapa melainkan lulu dan tina..

Tapi tetap jua perkara begini terjadi..

Mungkin salah aku..
Memiliki rupa yang hodoh..
Gemuk penuh dengan cacat cela..
Dan kerana semua kekurangan ini,
Aku sepatutnya tidak layak untuk punyai sesiapa..
Dan tidak layak untuk ada sesiapa menyayangi aku..

Tertekan.. Serabut..

Tiada siapa yang akan bantu aku rawat luka ini..
Dan pastinya tiada siapa yang akan peduli pada tangis airmataku..

Aku..
Dan hanya aku..

Alone Once Again

5 May 2014.
Selepas hampir setahun kami bersama..
Selepas apa yang kami lalui bersama..
Kini aku kembali menyendiri..
Keseorangan..

Dapat aku rasakan..
Betapa kosongnya hidup ini tanpa dirinya..
Dan betapa siksanya untuk lalui jalan yang semakin hari semakin menyakitkan ini..

Aku tak mampu untuk ungkapkan jua susunkan segala perasaan menjadi ayat yang lengkap..

Aku kehilangan segalanya..
Kehilangan tempat aku bermanja,
mengadu..
tempat aku menangis dan ketawa..

Dulu aku ada dia..
Dia yang menemani setiap langkahku..
Dia yang tidak pernah berputus asa memberi semangat padaku..
Dia yang sentiasa beri aku titis harapan untuk aku lalui hari2 mendatang..

Dan kini..aku sendiri..

Aku yakin..
Tiada mungkin akan dapat ku cari pengganti..
Tidak mungkin mampu ku lupakan dirinya..
Telah aku tekadkan hati dia akan menjadi yang terakhir..
Dan tidak mungkin kan berganti..
Aku lebih rela keseorangan dari aku disakiti buat kesekian kalinya..

Sesungguhnya..
Dia membawa nyawaku bersamanya..

Stumble. Again.

It has been ten months..
10 full month we've been together as a couple..

Went through series of shits before both of us finally understand each other..
Accept each other flaws and stop hurting each other..

Despite of not believing in love amd marriage..
Both of us has stayed together and still remain madly crazy in love..
And doesn't want to lose one another..

When i first met him..
I really had no idea..
That he would be so important to me someday..
So important up until i willing to endure all this pain as long as he's with me and love me and care for me..

I've met quite number of guys..
And all of them failed to make me crazily in love and make me fall hard like i fall for him..

He's special..
In every way possible..
And i don't even know how to explain to describe on why i fall for him because..
There's no reason to no to..

The way he treated me..
The way he comforted and wipe my tears..
The way he love me..
The way we share our day..

He's not just my boyfriend..
He's my bestfriend who i spend day gossiping and share ideology on life and human..
My human diary and knows me inside out..
My protector who protecting and care for me even though from afar..
My other half.. My soulmate..
He's my everything and my world revolve around him..
My sun and my gravity..

Without him..
I'm lost..
And i can feel that I'm falling down..
Back to muddy pitch black hole..
Place where we first met and place where he had saved me from..

Why is it so difficult..
For us to be together..
For me to have him forever..

Why is it so hard..
For me to hold him in my arms amd never let go..

I've never ask for anything..
I just want him..
I want him to be mine forever..

I don't wanna lose him..

Been trying to hold my tears..
To not cry each time we talk about this..
I want him to be strong and to messed up his mind is the last thing i want to do right now..
But i don't know where or to who to turn too..
To lay out everything and cry..
All this while..
Its him who i turn too each time i need shoulder to cry..
Its him who comfort me whenever I'm crying regardless how petty reason is..

He accept me for who i am and he ignored the fact on how deformed i am inside out..
Never complained though I'm  fat bitch and pain in the ass whore..

I don't even know what to do anymore..
What to think..
All that i know is I'm afraid..
Afraid of losing him..

I love him.. More than anything..
More than my own life..

I love him.