Suicidal Tendency and Self Harm

As a normal human being,
we can't escape from difficulties in life
pressure depress and problems.

sometimes,
we can cope with it and solve.
and all those harsh time remain as a history.

but then,
there's time.
moment when we feels that we had enough.
feels like world aren't as beautiful as before.
and we can no longer smile or laugh.

feels like trapped in a small black box.
tied up.

can't escape. can't breathe. can't move.

and cried cried cried in our heart
but still we can't scream since our mouth been gagged.

gagged with what??
trapped by what??

gagged by the feeling of,
' i can't hurt all those person and burden them with my puny problems '

and trapped in society.
human being expectations of us to be perfect,
problem solver whatsoever.

as for me,
i had this abusive mother that abuse me mentally and physically.
that drove me to disbelief Allah coz she's been using this veto power of her that been termaktub in so called al-quran.

how a child should respect mother no matter how asshole their mother are.
how we need to live in guidelines that been preliminary set up.
and how we need to live ways by perfecting others perception for the sake of to be accepted by society.

sigh..

i felt trapped.

i can't killed myself coz i'll be permanent resident in Hell.
i can't convert my religion.
i can't disobey my mom coz it is not allowed.
i can't drink, smoke bla bla bla coz islam didn't allowed us to do so.

there's a lot more.
things i want to complaint.
but i just can't find the right word to describe how trapped i feels.

so tell me what should i do??

i've grown up as a troublesome teenager with a fucked up mind.

have abusively misused drugs.
any medicine that i could lay my hand on.

i smoke.

and yes,
i even slits and cuts my own freaking hand.

abusing drugs.
create a long term effect.
and i'll be dead for organ failing to function.

smoke.
coz it give me a short and temporary way to escape from my misery.

and.
slitting and cutting..
the best among the best.
it give me pleasure.
pleasure that is more than having sex with the man you love.
the blood,
wash away the pain that been throbbing my heart inside out.
the pain,
fades away the silent scream that i couldn't unleashed.

God..

unimaginable pleasure.
my happy place. apart from this blog.

until..
i meet him.

who literally saved my ass from all this shit.

who hold me in his arm and let me scream whenever world hurts me in the most meanest way.

who stand behind those wall watching and let me cry my heart out and come back and hold me in his arm again.

well,
my point is,
running away from your problems through suicide or create a fake smile in front of others won't do you any good.
its like a poison.
killing you in the most torturous and painful way.
a slow and agonizing death.

do what your heart desires though it is not an act that society will approve.
but at least we are happy.

we never know.

one fine day,
we'll meet someone or something that will change our life.
our point of view.
change the way we perceive life.

its not easy.
but definitely possible if we have the guts.
guts to ignore others.
ignore their whining and complaint on how we choose to live our life.
on path we choose to walk.

lastly,
to him.

the world means you and me.
world where nothing matters apart from us.
and yes,
you'll always be my teacher, my brother, sometimes a father,
my bestfriend, my soulmate.
and my lover.
please stay forever. with me.
coz you are my life.
reason for my heart to continue beating.

i love you..