You Choose To Fight Alone

its hard at first.
to digest all those information.
information on your past that i never know before.
one that you've been hiding from me.

i never understand the fight that you've been talking about.
never knew the silent screams that you've been mentioning about.
and now i know.. i understand how pain you are in..
and i truly sorry for all the pain that I've been causing you this several month..

i want to know more..
to understand you better..
for at least i could stop hurting you with my word my act since i couldn't understand..

abang..
i'll never going to leave you..
coz you never bailed and left me whenever i been such a pain in the ass..
i love you for who you are..
i never in love with the perfect person you've been parading in front of me all this while..

your laugh.. your smile..

i could see tears behind it..
i could feels sorrow inside it..

i love you abang.. and always will..

explaination for your accusation

umra's .

i tried to be nice to them.
ask them nicely to teach me how work actually been done there .
tapi diorang buat tak tahu and buat muka tapi lia diamkan.

lia still tegur diorang and minta diorang ajarkan tapi diorang perli.
mengata how stupid i am for not knowing anything .
and the doctors maki lia sebab lia diam masa pass report.
tak tanya apa function ubat yang staffnurse malam sebut.
lia tak tanya sebab lia tahu function ubat tu.

and lia resign sebab lia tak nak aniaya orang.
kerja kat situ tak ikut etika abang.
kongsi syringe yang i know akan lead to infection.
buat prosedur tapi tak ikut guidelines yang ditetapkan to prevent cross infection.

in nursing,
skills are the most important.
essential for a nurse.
and if i keep on working there with those kind off work etiquette,
i will lose my skills and i can't survive at any other hospital.

burger king shah alam .

i love working there .
enjoy . in fact tak terniat pun nak resign or anything .
lia kerja macam orang gila.
masuk pukul6pagi and balik pukul10 9malam hari2.
abang pun tahu.

and lia tak pernah ponteng kecuali time lia sakit. demam.

intan. manager dajalkan lia sebab i ask bout my overtime.
macam mana nak request payment tu.
dia bengang and berpakat dengan manager lain untuk tak hantar personal file lia and end up gaji lia kena tahan sampai sekarang.

lia kena buang sebab intan accidentally mengaku yang dia main duit.
sehari lepas dia mengaku, lia kena terminate.

salah lia juga ke abang?

demi Allah abang..
sepanjang lia kerja kt burger king, lia tak pernah menjawab tak pernah fight back no matter how asshole they are to me.
coz i love working there.

abang tak pernah pun jumpa lia depan2..
tapi sanggup abang buat speculation macam ni kan ..

sakit macam mana sekalipun abang..
lia tetap senyum.
you can go and ask my friend.
they never know who i really am.
all they know. lia gila2. suka senyum.

they even said,
bertuah jadi kau kan amalia..
tersenyum je.. happy je.. hidup tak ada masalah ..

tapi hakikatnya?

ya Allah ..
kenapalah abang buat lia macam ni ..
kenapa sanggup cakap lia sampaimacam tu sekali ..
lia tak sangka abang..
tak sangka.. yang selama ni, tu pandangan abang pada lia ..
abang tak tahu cerita sebenar tapi abang sanggup kata lia sampai macam ni sekali ...
kenapa abang..

abang tahu segalanya pasal hidup lia ..
lia ingatkan abang faham..
tapi rupanya.. dalam diam abang judge and buat spekulasi sendiri ..

you're not making me feel any better abang ..

kenapa abang makin kejam ..

makin berani pijak.. sakitkan lia ..

sampai hati abang ..

i ask you to come and meet me tapi abang refuse.
and now you're making this accusation without even bother to get to know me first.

i'm that girl abang.
girl who hide her pain and tears behind fake smile.
girl who laugh whenever she wanted to cry.
girl who will still dance upon broken pieces of glass though she bleed.

how could you abang ...

i know.. i realize ..

i'm not good enough for you ..

i'm just an ordinary girl.
jobless. with ugly face. torn up life.

who am i to compared to you.

a guy. a perfect guy.
with a perfect job.

i wish i hadn't fall for you..
i wish i hadn't told you everything that happened to me..

coz you..
just like everybody else..
you see.. you listen.. you know..
but you didn't understand..

lia tahu ..
orang lain pun ada kisah silam yang pahit..
and lia tak pernah cakap pun hidup lia paling teruk kalau compare dengan orang lain.

life is a test.
but everyone got their own paper.
different sets of question to answer.

lia tak pernah merungut.

kenapa abang perlu jadi macam mak lia?

yang melihat tapi buta..
yang mendengar tapi tak memahami..

my mum said that i the most dumb kid she ever known..
said that lia bebankan dia..
and cakap lia ni hodoh macam monyet sampai dia malu nak bawa lia jumpa kawan2 dia..

and last night..
you prove to me.
that i am stupid and dumb.
that i am a burdened to others.

the worst.. abang sanggup samakan lia dengan bohsia..

how could you..

abang cuma kenal lia through text and call.
and sepanjang setengah tahun kita couple,
abang tak pernah kenal lia depan2..
sampai hati abang..

maybe she was right after all.
i am a bitch. a stupid and dumb girl.
who burdened others.

thanks..
coz sedarkan lia..
how pathetic i am..
a loser.

terima kasih abang..
in shaa Allah.. lia akan ingat kata2 abang sampai lia mati..

warkah buat mu ..

abang ..

lia harap abang luahan hati ni ..
lia tak tahu macam mana nak luah depan2 pada abang tanpa abang maki hamun lia..
lia tak tahu macam mana nak buat abang faham apa yang ada dalam hati lia ..

abang ..
andai masa diulang kembali, lia tetap memilih abang ..
untuk temani hari2 sepi lia ..
andai Allah bagi lia satu peluang ..
lia tetap pilih abang ..
untuk lia pegang hingga hembusan nafas lia yang terakhir ..

abang ..
maafkan lia ..
maafkan lia sebab selalu lukakan hati abang ..
sakitkan abang berkali2 ..

abang..
kenapa abang jadi pemarah bila abang dengan .... hari sabtu tu?
kenapa abang panas baran ..
sedangkan sebelum ni lia pernah bergurau macam tu dengan abang
and abang melayan je perangai gila lia tu ..
lia sedih abang ..
sedih sangat .. seharian lia menangis ..
terasa dengan kata2 abang ..

abang ..
lia ..
lia rindukan abang .. abang segala2nya bagi lia ..
lia tunggu abang ..
seharian lia tunggu ..
memang lia marah .. and lia harap sangat abang pujuk lia hari ahad tu ..
tapi abang tak pujuk ..
abang marah lia ..
kenapa abang .. benci sangat ke abang pada lia ..
kepala lia sakit sangat malam tu ..
tapi lia tetap tunggu abang ..

abang ..
pagi tadi lia tunggu abang lagi ..
tunggu hanya untuk text dengan abang ..
walaupun hanya untuk setengah jam ..
tapi abang hilang sebab abang tade internet ..
and lia tetap tunggu abang sampai lah petang tadi ..
tapi abang hilang ..
empat jam lia tunggu abang ..
finally abang text ..
panggil sayang sayang berkali2 walaupun lia dah jawab ..
do you how much it annoys me after i've waited for hours..
i wish .. i hope ..
you'll come and comfort me .. pujuk ..
lia rindu nak bermanja dengan abang macam dulu ..
dulu .. tiap kali lia merajuk .. abang selalu pujuk lia ..
no matter how bitch i am to you ..
abang dah bosan ke dengan lia?
kenapa abang mudah sangat marah sekarang ni ..

abang ..
memang lia tak kerja sekarang ni ..
memang lia duduk rumah and tunggu abang ..
tapi tu semua bukan sebab lia marah ..
lia merajuk .. and lia nak abang pujuk ..
tapi ..
sampaihati abang cakap lia macam tu ..
hina lia ..
cakap lia tak faham keadaan abang sekarang sebab keje lia hari2 tunggu abang je ..
lia sedih abang .. sedih dengan kata2 abang ..
hina sangat ke lia dimata abang..

abang ..
maafkan lia ..
dah banyak lia susahkan abang ..
sebab lia abang terpaksa susah2 carikan lia kerja ..
terpaksa serabutkan kepala..
maafkan lia ..
sebab tak mampu jadi gadis yang sempurna untuk abang ..
yang terima seadanya ..
terima yang hari2 kita habiskan bersama hanya kurang dari lima jam ..
terima yang kita tak dapat bersama macam dulu lagi ..

abang ..
mungkin salah lia ..
salah lia sebab dulu lia tak pernah hargai abang ..
seksa abang dengan perangai lia ..
sampai you grow tired of my bullshit crazy ass attitude ..
grow tired sampai abang dah tak larat nak pujuk lia tiap kali lia merajuk macam dulu ..
maafkan lia abang ...
maafkan lia ..

abang ..
tadi ..
my nose bleed a lot ..
kepala lia rasa nak pecah ..
sakit sangat abang ..
lia pengsan ..
and now i've admitted to hospital and sepatutnya kena tahan but i refuse ..

abang ..
i can't contact you ..
to tell you how sorry i am ..
for yelling at you malam tadi ..
my handphone rosak sebab terjatuh masa lia pengsan ..
maafkan lia abang ..

abang ..
lia janji ..
yang lia takkan susahkan abang lagi ..
lia taknak abang tolong lia dah lepas ni ..
lia tak sanggup nak terima kalau abang mengungkit lagi ..
sakit sangat abang ..
lia akan cuba berdikari no matter how painful it is ..
and please .. please jangan marah lia..
i love you ..
but i can't handle perasaan sakit tu lagi ..
sakit bila abang mengungkit apa yang abang pernah buat untuk tolong lia ..
maafkan lia abang ..

abang ..
lia sakit sangat abang ..
sakit sangat ..
kepala lia rasa macam nak pecah ..
hati lia berdarah ..
tersayat dengan kata2 abang tadi ...
tapi lia tetap sayang abang ..
tak kira macam mana sekalipun ..
tak kira sesakit mana pun abang lukakan lia ..
lia tetap sayang abang ..

abang segala2nya bagi lia ..
lia dah tade sape2 lagi dalam dunia ni ..
you're my world ..

please come back to me ..
come back and be the loving guy i used to know ..
loving and caring guy that i fall in love with ..
i miss you .. the old you ..

lia tunggu abang .. selagi lia mampu ..

i just don't know why.
have this such a freaking bad luck when comes to work sector.

started with umra's.

the staff were so fucking asshole.
the doctors are worst.
and their etiquette in work..
*sigh..

i suspected all the staff has this mental illness..
what they call.. err..

bipolar disorder!!

and then i quit and work at fast food restaurant.

Burger King Shah Alam.

as a cashier and expenditure.

its great. kinda enjoy.
even work my ass off till fifteen fucking hours.

problem?

they fucking didn't send my fucked up personal file!
and i didn't get my payment for two fucking month!
GOD!!

until this very moment,
i still haven't receive my payment.
*sigh..

my saving are running low.

had to pay for house deposit this end of this month.

even had to reject job offer because it consume lots and lots of money.

*sigh..

i don't think I'll get that paycheck of mine..

tied tongue

its Friday. finally.
been waiting to talk to him.

but then, sometimes,
they are certain thing that its better to remain untold.

maybe its the best for us when he fall asleep during our conversation last night..

because.. i'm crying..

sigh..

he's special you know..
one in a million.. trillion??

why?

he got this great personality.
realistic kinda guy.
never bail though i keep pushing him away..
terrific command in English.
smart (guy with brain not some asshole with shit ass mindset).
understanding.
protective! (so fucking turned on!!)
and yes..
good looking and tall is a bonus indeed..

ever since our first conversation,
I've been waiting for him to call me.

i just love talking to him.
to hear his laugh and rant.
to listen how he perceive life and how naive he is when come to certain thing in life..

keep hearing this subtle voice in my heart,
"awwwhhh.. i got myself a really adorable boyfriend.. *melting* "

and i cry because..
someday..
i wouldn't be able to hear it anymore..

we've been texting this evening.
i know and he's right.

i'm getting worse.

my hair has started to fall.
i can't see clearly with my left eye and my hands tremble..
there's time i couldn't even hold my mugs properly and it slipped..

sigh..

my baby changed.
become manja.
and it scares me for i know that cats could sense our death..

is my time is finally here?

is it time for me to leave him?

will he meet someone and fall in love and live life happily like i always want him to be?

sigh..

I've been wanting..
to hold him..
or to at least see his smile..
certainly not through phone..

i guess it ain't going to happen..

i hope.. he'll stay strong..
regardless what going to happen in near future..

and i hope..
he wouldn't forget me when i'm gone.. and cherished all the time that we spend together..

honey..
there's so many thing i want to tell you.. bout how i felt..
bout our love..
how much i adore and respect you..
but i couldn't find right word and create a perfect sentence to expressed it..

you're my life too dear..
and you'll always be..

i love you T.

angel baby

baby.

i got myself a cat.
a very cute one.

grumpy face. bulu kembang.

tapi garang yang amat.
asal pegang je dia cakar and gigit.
and disebabkan dia terlalu comel,
aku tak boleh resist temptation untuk gomol dia.
and yes,
aku end up kena cakar sampai berdarah2.

sigh.

tapi,
minggu ni, baby lain.
manja.

suddenly datang and bermanja.
even sleep with me.
tunggu when i went to toilet.
she never let me out of her sight.

she become panic whenever she didn't see me on my bed and started to meowing,
as if she's calling and looking for me.

and she even hugged me.

she's different.

why?

dreams remain dreams

dreams are wonderful.

and painful if it stay as dream due to time restriction or burden of life.

as a normal human being,
i also have dreams.
lots of it.
but am not sure if i ever gonna make it through and live my dream.

so, here goes nothing.

i dreamed to lead a life.
with me alone without family bullshit,housemate that ticking me off or mum that somehow will drive me crazy.

to wake up in my cozy small little house and enjoy the cold and peaceful morning with my favourite music.

to just live life without anything to worry.

dream to improve my fucked up life and yes to be free from all these burden that I've been carrying my whole life.

dream to go somewhere.
place with beautiful beach and pearly white sand.

dream to watch sunset with someone i love dearly and spend the rest of the night in his arm.
safe and sound.

dream to open a small place for homeless kitty and find them a good human with angelic heart to foster and love them unconditionally.

dream to do everything that i couldn't do when i was a kid since I've been living with abuser and fucked up step dad.

dream to treat my child as they should be treated so that they grow and become a happy cheerful yet independent with golden heart human being.
not some asshole jerk with abusive past.
and to provide them everything they deserve so that they doesn't end up like me.

above are my major dream.
my most significant and important dream.

a lifetime goal.

and now..
with this condition of mine..
am sure enough..
it'll remain as dream as i doesn't have enough time to make it come true..

sigh..

though i'm in terrible pain,
but then, the pain of knowing that i couldn't live to see the rest of the day are far more agonizing.

break me to pieces.

unfulfilled wish

annoying. nuisance. irritating.

yes i know.
how pain in the ass i can be sometimes.

i irritate him.
by forcing him to come and meet me though i know he wasn't ready.

terasa hati. sedih.
Tuhan jelah yang tahu.

if he dare enough to meet everyone,
to even set up bundles of blind date before,
and even meet miss perfect lah
miss sweety pie lah,
why can't he meet me?

i wasn't after for his money,
or force him to treat me stuff
or to pay for anything.

i just want him. sigh.

am i that ugly? that hideous?
too gross till he giving me tons of excuse.. :'(

and now..
i can't meet him.
no,i refuse to meet him anymore.

can't meet him in this kind of condition.

with my hair severely gugur and how much pain i'm in right now and suffer from constant headache.
how can i meet him when i need to depend on pain killer to live my day less painful.

sigh.
nowadays, my eyes betrays me.
i can't even see clearly anymore.

i just hope.

I'll live to see him become someone he always wanted.

survive the day to at least see him successfully rise from his fallen life.

distant

you've changed abg..
feels so distant from you.
dah tak dapat rasa your love vibrant macam dulu..

you used to be so sensitive and understanding..
layan perangai gila lia..

used to be so patience with my nuisance and annoying attitude..

but now..

whatever is that coming out of my mouth pissed you off..
you're easily tick off..

upset on whatever thing i said..
grumpy..

i love you turns to take care..

no more i miss you and stuff..

cold and icy.

Beneath the Surface

ikatan antara kami
entahlah..
sukar untuk aku jelaskan..
hanya aku dan dia yang lebih mengerti..

sayang yang berputik
kami sembunyikan disebalik penafian yang kami takkan jatuh cinta pada satu sama lain..

mekar
menjadi cinta yang terindah dalam hidupku..

insan yang melihat takkan mengerti..
takkan mampu untuk fahami..
kami
tied in bundled of rope and only death that could set us free from this tangled love of ours..

they ask me,
tons of questions..

how i meet him..
where did he lived..
how old is he..
what he do for living..
how on earth that this kind of guy fall for me..
is he really love me..
does he really loyal to me since its a long distance relationship..

and the worst is,
saying entah2 dia ada perempuan lain kat sana and aku cuma sparepart..

some do ask me,
if they can have him
or have sex with him..
god..
some people can be asshole sometimes..

and i had to lock my phone..
secured it with password..
who knows,
sejarah lama berulang kembali..

sometimes,
i do wonder..

does appearance really that important?
matter most instead of love..

I've been searching for a guy..
who has brain.
smarter than i am and could at least improve my English haha..

teach me and guide me
coz i'm that girl..
girl that constantly lost and stumble in life..

i need someone
who are strong enough to pinned me down..
to hold me coz i'm so not easy to be tame down..

i'm that kind of girl.

rebellious. stone hard.
sometimes cold and icy.

and its proven.

even him,
strongest guy i ever meet.
had enough with me.
my butt hurt attitude.

well..
what i am trying to say is..
appearance,good looking,handsome aren't something that i crave for..

its more than enough if he could at least hold me and help me to stand whenever i stumble
(which constantly happen)
and yes..
to love me undefined irrevocably..

and yes,
good looking tu,
is an advantage, bonus.
its like a red saucy cherry on top of deliciously heart warning chocolate cupcake ^_^

tapi tak admit pun depan dia
takut nanti dia perasan..
hahahaha!!!! (gelak jahat)

selalu cakap dia tak comel,
tak handsome,
padahal malam2 siap mengigau bagai lagi..
*angau punya pasal*

*drooling*

Damm! hahahaha..

thing is,
love is ain't about how handsome he is..
how perfect he is..
or he rich he are..

love is when..
we both perfected each other flaws with our imperfections and together, create a perfect love that last a life time..

and love is when..
we keep on hurting each other and still couldn't live without one another..

i love you. always. forever.

Suicidal Tendency and Self Harm

As a normal human being,
we can't escape from difficulties in life
pressure depress and problems.

sometimes,
we can cope with it and solve.
and all those harsh time remain as a history.

but then,
there's time.
moment when we feels that we had enough.
feels like world aren't as beautiful as before.
and we can no longer smile or laugh.

feels like trapped in a small black box.
tied up.

can't escape. can't breathe. can't move.

and cried cried cried in our heart
but still we can't scream since our mouth been gagged.

gagged with what??
trapped by what??

gagged by the feeling of,
' i can't hurt all those person and burden them with my puny problems '

and trapped in society.
human being expectations of us to be perfect,
problem solver whatsoever.

as for me,
i had this abusive mother that abuse me mentally and physically.
that drove me to disbelief Allah coz she's been using this veto power of her that been termaktub in so called al-quran.

how a child should respect mother no matter how asshole their mother are.
how we need to live in guidelines that been preliminary set up.
and how we need to live ways by perfecting others perception for the sake of to be accepted by society.

sigh..

i felt trapped.

i can't killed myself coz i'll be permanent resident in Hell.
i can't convert my religion.
i can't disobey my mom coz it is not allowed.
i can't drink, smoke bla bla bla coz islam didn't allowed us to do so.

there's a lot more.
things i want to complaint.
but i just can't find the right word to describe how trapped i feels.

so tell me what should i do??

i've grown up as a troublesome teenager with a fucked up mind.

have abusively misused drugs.
any medicine that i could lay my hand on.

i smoke.

and yes,
i even slits and cuts my own freaking hand.

abusing drugs.
create a long term effect.
and i'll be dead for organ failing to function.

smoke.
coz it give me a short and temporary way to escape from my misery.

and.
slitting and cutting..
the best among the best.
it give me pleasure.
pleasure that is more than having sex with the man you love.
the blood,
wash away the pain that been throbbing my heart inside out.
the pain,
fades away the silent scream that i couldn't unleashed.

God..

unimaginable pleasure.
my happy place. apart from this blog.

until..
i meet him.

who literally saved my ass from all this shit.

who hold me in his arm and let me scream whenever world hurts me in the most meanest way.

who stand behind those wall watching and let me cry my heart out and come back and hold me in his arm again.

well,
my point is,
running away from your problems through suicide or create a fake smile in front of others won't do you any good.
its like a poison.
killing you in the most torturous and painful way.
a slow and agonizing death.

do what your heart desires though it is not an act that society will approve.
but at least we are happy.

we never know.

one fine day,
we'll meet someone or something that will change our life.
our point of view.
change the way we perceive life.

its not easy.
but definitely possible if we have the guts.
guts to ignore others.
ignore their whining and complaint on how we choose to live our life.
on path we choose to walk.

lastly,
to him.

the world means you and me.
world where nothing matters apart from us.
and yes,
you'll always be my teacher, my brother, sometimes a father,
my bestfriend, my soulmate.
and my lover.
please stay forever. with me.
coz you are my life.
reason for my heart to continue beating.

i love you..

Epilog Ahad

went to work
dengan hati yang sebal.
bertengkar dengan si dia
buat kesekian kali.
hanya kerana aku geram
dengan sikapnya yang
gemar berahsia.

kerja macam biasa
though a bit busy sebab gov dah masuk gaji.

cashier malam masuk.
hilang.
tinggal aku sorang2 kat depan.

pelanggan makin surut.
and aiman bergurau dengan aku.
saying,
"amalia! cepat! cepat!"

aku jawab,
"relax dulu.aku sorang ni senget!"

then kitaorang gelak2.

entah kenapa,
tetibe bitch of doom menjerit,
asking ramai sangat ke customer.
again and again.

and then marah2 aku,
tengking,
kau nak balik sangat kan,
baliklah! close drawer kau!
close!

and i was like,
what the fuck??
fine,kau nak sangat aku balikkan.
ambil beg.
jalan dalam hujan lebat sorang2.
crying. alone.
try to call him.
dia off phone..

*sigh..

terbaca status kawan..
genap setahun dia jadi staffnurse.
kalau sahaja aku bersabar,
pasti saat ini aku jua begitu.

15hb October genap setahun.

kalau saja aku tabahkan hati.
pasti hidup aku tak terumbang ambing macam sekarang.
tak ada arah tuju.

mungkin aku dah bahagia.
berada dirumah sewaku.
tanpa dibebani masalah demi masalah sepertimana aku hadapi tika ini.

bahagia.
tak perlu bersusah payah berjimat cermat hanya untuk memiliki sebiji motor kerna setahun,
dengan gajiku dulu,
mazda idaman pasti menjadi milikku.

aku sering tersilap dalam mencaturi hidupku..
tersalah memilih jalan yang harus aku lewati..

namun..
andai tidak aku melakukan kesilapan itu..
pasti aku takkan menemukan si dia..

si dia yang menemani aku..
bersabar dan menerima segala kekuranganku..

si dia yang hingga kini masih memegang erat tanganku walau berkali aku meronta..

*sigh..

mungkinkah hidup ku akan berubah?

dua tiga hari ni,
masalah bertimpa2.
mata pun..
murah dengan airmata..
mudah sangat menangis..
aku tak tahu..
nak luahkan kat sape..
aku tade sesape..
aku nak lupakan semua masalah ni..
aku dah letih menangis..
tapi aku tak mampu..
sakit sangat..
silap aku..
bergantung harap sangat pada orang..
sampai tak mampu berdikari..
menyusahkan orang..
ini yang terakhir kali..
berat macam mana pun
aku takkan susahkan orang..

don't even know ways to describe how devastated i am.
with endless problems that never seems to fade.
wanted to talk to him badly.
wanted to hear his voice so that i could forget all this nuisance headache.
desperately need his help.
to ease this pain.
tapi dia tak faham.
tetap dengan cerita.
movie.
and aku?
end up menangis sorang2.

should i do it??

" I'll wait for you. Till the end.
though i know..
you'll never ever gonna remember me let along looking for me.. "

ya allah.
sakitnya hati ni..
kenapa dia tak pernah hargai aku..
semua dah aku buat demi dia..
setia pada dia..
cintakan dia sepenuh hati..
aku tak nak tinggalkan dia..
aku sayangkan dia..
sayang lebih dari aku sayang nyawa aku sendiri..
aku sanggup tak kahwin
tak ada keluarga sebab aku nak bersama dia..
sanggup tahan sakit hati,
cemburu sebab aku taknak dia rimas..
tak kira apa yang jadi..
aku tetap sokong dia terima dia seadanya..
tapi kenapa..
dia lupakan aku..
sisihkan aku bila dia berjaya..
kenapa dia paksa aku pergi..
kenapa dia tolak aku..
aku taknak..
aku tak boleh hidup tanpa dia..
dia nyawa aku..
ya allah..
sakitnya..
apa salah aku..
sampai dia sanggup buat aku macam ni..
kenapa keras sangat hati dia untuk terima aku..
hina sangat ke aku..
buruk sangat ke aku kat mata dia..
aku tahu..
aku patahkan simkad phone,
deactivate fb..
tapi aku tahu..
dia takkan cari aku..
dia dah buang aku dari hidup dia..
dia dah tak perlukan aku..
dida dah berjaya..
dah banyak option..
untuk apa simpan betina macam aku..
aku harap..
dia bahagia..
aku tetap sayangkan dia..
dia yang terakhir..

Mainan Percintaan

susah
untuk lupakan seseorang yang pernah hadir dalam hidup.
hati.

untuk lupakan seseorang yang berjaya sentuh jiwa walaupun tembok tinggi teguh berdiri telah ku bina.

untuk lupakan seseorang yang pernah jadi teman, kekasih, abang, keluarga.
seseorang yang aku depend fully untuk terus hidup. bernafas.

its hard. excruciating.
to let him go.
but it is more agonizing to live with the fact.
that he cheated.

sigh..
torn.
can't even choose which path should i take.
difficult to be sure that am not going to regret it someday.

sick of this aching pain.
tired of this tears that never seems to end.

even tried to slits my arm again.
deeper and deeper by each slits.
blood failed to wash this pain away.

what do i need to do?
to let this pain go?
to stop this pain from torturing me every single fucked up minutes.

sigh..

started to use sleeping pills.
again.

only way for me to sleep and forget everything.

Song That I Keep On Listening

"What Hurts The Most"

I can take the rain
on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me

I can take a few tears
now and then
and just let them out

I’m not afraid to cry
every once in a while
Even though going on
with you gone
still upsets me

There are days every now
and again
I pretend I’m OK
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away

And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that love in you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal
with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It

It’s hard to force that smile
when I see our old friends
and I’m alone

Still Harder Getting up,
getting dressed,
livin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it over
I would trade
give away all the words
that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
(much to say)

And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that love in you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say (to say)

And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that love in you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that love in you
That’s what I was trying to do

Time Passes

it has been a while
since my last visit to beach or any cozy packed with tranquil and serenity place..

and its has been forever
since i last lay down
watch as starts blip blissfully..

really do
missed the feels..
of doing nothing and just enjoy the day as it past..

if i need to choose between klcc and bukit ampang,
I'll definitely go for bukit ampang..

i love seeing stars..
night skies..
and panoramic night view of kl..

sigh..

i miss going to beach..
see those vast blue sky and felt the warmness of sea..
just sit back and relax while waiting for sun to set down..

and i do miss..
going for a trip to any beautiful river..
to feel the coolness
and let serenity hold me close..

but then again..
have to wait for someone
to bring me there
which i don't even know who

god..

really really really wanna see sunset..

sigh..

" Better Man "

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
'Cause it's not my fault
I know I've been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Once you've found that lover
You're homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But Love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doin' all I can
To be a better man..

Song Of The Day

" 2am
where do I begin
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed..

I'm a ghost of a girl
that I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
that I used to know well..

Dancing slowly in an empty room Can the lonely take
the place of you?

I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go
and let the lonely in
To take my heart again..

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more
loveless night..

But the loneliness
will stay with i'm 
And hold me til I fall asleep..

I'm a ghost of a girl
that I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room, Can the lonely take the place of you?

I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story

Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely..

Dancing slowly in an empty room Can the lonely take the place of you?

I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again..  "

when there's no hope left for me to hold onto..
*sigh..

Gadis.

sedang ku lewati hari yang sepi.
tersisip pandangku pada jasad.
terlihat "dia" merenung jauh
lepasi batasan langit..

langkah demi langkah
"dia" aku dekati..

kian jelas pada tubir mataku..

resah berkait pada raut wajahnya..
bibir yang membisu menyimpan rahsia..
mata yang indah namun suram tidak bercahaya..
dan..
aku terdiam..
lewati turis airmata dipipinya..

kian aku cuba dekati..
kian terjelas esak sendunya..
pilu..
menggigit tiap relung jiwaku..

siapa " dia " ??

kenapa.. kenapa..

aku mampu merasa kepedihan "dia"??

sedang ku layani persoalan demi persoalan yang menitip dimindaku,
aku dikejutkan dengan marak api menjulang disisi gadis itu..

panik. lantas aku berlari.
mendekatinya.
berharap gadis itu selamat.
bernyawa.

namun..
langkahku terhenti..

kembali melihat leka gadis itu menatap potret..

potret mesra pasangan kekasih bersama seakan dunia milik berdua..
potret bahagia sebuah perkahwinan..
potret bayi yang.. ah.. comel..

ah.. bertuah sungguh gadis ini
bahagia.
disamping insan2 yang menyayanginya.
dan harus..
kenapa masih "dia" berwajah duka??

apa yang terjadi??

dan ku lihat gadis itu.
meletakkan satu demi satu.
potret.
ke dalam api yang kian marak.

dan..
aku lihat "dia" menangis..
mendung wajahnya kian jelas pada mataku..

tidak sayangkah dia pada potret itu?
tidak kehilangankah pada potret bahagia itu?
dan.. kenapa..
hatiku turut jua merasa pedih??

tika airmataku hampir menitis..
ku melihat..
sesusuk lelaki menghampiri gadis itu..
menghulurkan tangannya..
dan..
dengan semertanya..
wajah gadis bertukar manis.
riang..

ah.. perempuan..
siapa bisa menebak hati perempuan..

tersenyum walau jiwa hancur luluh
ketawa walau hati bernandung sendu..

sedang ku menganjak pergi..
aku terpandang pada kertas
usang bertinta..

milik gadis itu..

dan ku baca bait bertinta..

" telah ku padamkan harapanku demimu..
telah ku hancurkan impianku kernamu..
telah jua.. ku lupakan diriku hanya untukmu..

namun..
mengertikah dikau akan kesakitan?
fahamikah dikau akan kepedihanku?
terlihatkah dikau akan airmataku?

benar cinta hanya milikmu
hargailah sebelum semuanya padam hilang dibawa arus.. "

kelu.. diam seribu bahasa..

dan ku sedari..

dia adalah diriku..

imej jiwaku..

~ teringin sangat nak tengok sunset kat pantai..
nak nak lagi sekarang.. *sigh.. ~

" Dipenjara Janji "

Hatiku digirisnya lagi

Kali ini lebih dalam dan pedih

Kerna aku sudah berjanji
Dia cinta ku yang terakhir

Sungguh tak pernah
ku menduga
Dia akan mengulanginya semula
Namun untuk menodai cinta
Dan membiarkan aku sengsara

Dia
tempat ku sandar

Angan ku pendamkan

Satu percintaan
Yang bisa ku jadikan
Tangga-tangga ku ke pintu syurga
Meleraikan rindu

Mengecap bahagia
Yang kerap dimadah
Insan yang murni
Yang dah rasakan cinta yang aku mimpi..

Sungguh
tak pernah ku menduga
Dia akan mengulanginya semula
Namun untuk menodai cinta
Dan membiarkan aku sengsara

sakit. demam.
nak nak lagi bila seorang diri.
rasa macam nak menangis.

dari dulu.
sampai sekarang.
sakitlah macam mana pun.
semua aku tanggung sorang.
sendiri.

aku terbiasa.
terpaksa berdiri atas kaki sendiri.
hidup keseorangan.

dan hari ni.
peristiwa lama berulang kembali.

sakit.
tak makan berhari2.

cuma kucing jadi peneman.
yang kadang kala datang dan peluk aku.

mungkin dia memahami.
kerna dia juga merempat sebelum aku decide untuk bela dia.
dan dia masih dengan aku.
walau serba daif.
tak semewah sebahagia kucing lain.

aku terasa dengan semua.

dengan intan yang marah aku tentang pasir kucing berselerak kat lantai luar sana.

dengan dia yang...
entahlah..

tiada makna untuk terus bernafas menjalani hari2 mendatang.

lemah.

Unreachable . Irreplaceable .

" Diriku bagi dirimu
Seperti asing
Tak berguna, tak membahagia
Padamu hanyalah beban

Tuhan tahu apa yang terjadi
Antara kau dan aku

[*] Kau takkan tahu apa hati ku
Yang selalu derita kerna mu
Dan kau takkan rasa
Apa yang ku rasa
Semenjak kau hadir
Hidupku sering saja untukmu
Tentang dirimu
Tak pernah untukku

Mereka lihat masih lagi aku menantikanmu
Dan aku tak tersedar lagi
Dengan sikapmu terhadapku
Tapi aku sebenarnya aku
Tak seperti yang kau tahu "

keep on repeating this song.
over and over again.

truth is,
me myself.
don't even know,
why am i so madly in love with him.

no matter how repulsive he thought he was.

regardless how freaking hurt his word are.

i still love him.

waiting.

and miss him badly.

i do know.
am not the best lover ever.
who can provide him anything.
everything he ever wanted.
but.
one thing i can promise is.
he'll be the last.
last one who i ever opened up my heart to.
the last I'll ever love.

though i'm not with him.
not anymore.

though i did say.
I'll go.
coz i can't stand the fact that I've been contributing to his pain and heartache.

i am still here.
waiting.
whenever he want me.
when he's done with all those sluts.
and..
if suddenly
he decide to come.
back to my arms.

i'm still here.
waiting.
behind all these dark trees that surround him.
behind all this haze that make me.
my love.
oblivious to his sight.

he's.
the best thing.
that ever happened to me.

and he.
left the deepest scar in my heart.

paint the most beautiful and memorable love in my soul.

i miss.
for his voice.
saying how much he love me.

i longed.
for his voice to say how significant i am to him.
how he can't lose me coz he need me as much as i need him.

i miss his tender subtle voice.
saying and comfort me whenever i felt the world is killing me.

how gentle he was to me
though i'm such a pain in the ass.

he's.
my everything.
my life.
my world.
my happiness.

and i had to go.
for he no longer need me.
not anymore.

for he do admit.
he could find anyone.
any girl that willingly give him anything he want.
thing that i couldn't give.

for he willingly admit.
he wanted to share him with other girl without even take my heart into considerations.
how hurt i would be.
how devastated I'll be.

but again.

am still waiting for him.

in this dying garden of love.

coz.
no matter.
whatever he did.

i still love him.

right now?
am missing him.
badly.

terlalu banyak yang aku nak cakapkan, ceritakan pada dia.

tapi sering kali berakhir dengan pertengkaran.

dan semalam.
dia berjaya menghancurkan sisa2 hati yang aku berikan padanya.

lumat.

hari ini.
banyak yang terjadi.
lengan aku melecur teruk.
bergaduh.
budak 1 rumah buat muka.

tapi tak termampu untuk aku cerita pada dia seperti selalu.

aku tak tahu kenapa.

cuma,
lepas apa yang jadi semalam.
wujud curang yang dalam antara kami.

curang yang makin lama
makin jauhkan aku dan dia.

aku.
tak pernah rasa betul2 keseorangan macam ni.

sunyi.

tiada tempat mengadu.
bergantung.

Cinta.
terlalu banyak tafsir dan definisi yang manusia ciptakan mengikut fahaman masing2.

bagi aku.

cinta seperti langit.
luas dan indah.
namun tersisip sejuta rahsia yang tak termampu untuk difahami.

adakalanya cerah.
adakalanya kelam.
panas dan ada tikanya dingin.

aku sendiri tak mengerti.
sebab aku mencintai dia.

kenapa aku sayangkan dia.

kenapa aku sanggup.
kekal bersama walau ku sedar yang kami takkan
tidak punyai ikatan.

aku cuba fahami dirinya.
perasaannya.
walau ada waktu,
hatiku sendiri tersayat luka.

aku.
cuma ingin melihat dirinya.
walau hanya dari jauh.
ingin melihat senyuman,
tawanya.
bukan hanya disebalik panggilan demi panggilan yang menghiasi hari kami.

namun tetap jua
tak termampu untuk dia fahami.
mengerti.

sehinggakan..
aku merasa kosong.
terluka.
pedih.

kesakitan. kelukaan ini.
akan cuba ku padam.

selagi kebahagiaan mengiringi memadamkan kesakitan.
aku akan sentiasa.
bersamanya.

Teman

" sekali kita mengikat janji.
selamanya akan ku pegang.
walau sakit terluka kerna patah bicaramu..
walau menusuk tiap satu perbuatanmu.. "

persahabatan.
aku takut. gentar.
risau kerna aku tahu.
aku pasti akan terluka diakhirnya.

aku cuba.
mengelak sedayaku.

kerna sekali kau menjadi temanku,
musuhmu menjadi musuhku.
sakitmu menjadi sakitku.
dan airmatamu menjadi airmataku.

sejak hari pertama.
aku benci dengan sifat pengecut kau.
aku cuba.
ubah kau.
agar kau lebih terbuka.
bukan hanya memendam rasa.

aku cuba.
lindungi kau.
dari tiap insan yang menyakitimu.

aku cuba.
sokong tiap apa keputusan kau.
dan rationalkan kau
andai kau tersasar.

aku.
sayang kau.

benar.
aku keras.
biadap pada luaran.

tahukah kau.
betapa.
rapuhnya dalaman aku.
hati aku.

tahukah kau.
betapa terlukanya aku.
dengan sikap kau kini.

berpura seolah aku asing bagimu.
seolah tiada kenangan yang kita ciptakan bersama.

intan.
semoga kau bahagia berteman insan yang hanya baik dan sopan dihadapan kau.

Song of The Week

Hanya dirimu yang ku cinta
Takkan membuat
aku jatuh cinta lagi

Aku merasa kau yang terbaik untuk diriku
Walau ku tahu kau tak sempurna Takkan membuat aku jauh darimu Apa adanya ku kan tetap setia kepadamu

Tuhan jagakan dia
Dia kekasihku kan tetap milikku
Aku sungguh mencintai
Sungguh menyayangi
setulus hatiku

Walau ku tahu kau tak sempurna Takkan membuat aku jauh darimu Apa adanya ku kan tetap setia kepadamu

Tuhan jagakan dia
Dia kekasihku kan tetap milikku
Aku sungguh mencintai
Sungguh menyayangi
setulus hatiku

Tuhan jagakan dia
Dia kekasihku kan tetap milikku Aku sungguh mencintai
Sungguh menyayangi
setulus hatiku

Tuhan jagakan dia
Dia kekasihku kan tetap milikku
Aku sungguh mencintai
Sungguh menyayangi
setulus hatiku

. Endless Cycle .

its has been two weeks.

a fucking tired weeks.

got no fucking life.
works sleep. woke up work.

legs keep on cramming every fucking night.

and i end up crying.
alone.

problem at work.
since my boss were bitches asshole kinda girl.

problem in house.
too much drama from motherfuckers bitches.

my life is a fucking shit.

can't see a single fucking reason why i need to stay alive.

why I need to be born as an asshole in a motherfucker life.

no one ever understand me.

and i keep on troubling other who are dear to me.

crossed my finger.
may a fucking lorry ran me over to death.

intan.

entah keberapa kali aku terasa dengan perbuatan.
percakapan dia.

entah keberapa kali aku terluka tapi tetap juga aku berdiri,
mendengar keluh kesah dia.
aduan demi aduan.
masalah yang tiada penghujung akibat dari sikap pengecut dia.
mulut yang gah berkata2 tapi menikus bila dia didepan mata.

tidak tahukah dia.
sekeras sekasar mana pun aku.
aku juga punya hati. perasaan.
yang bisa terluka dan terhiris.
yang mengerti erti sebuah kesakitan.

terlalu lama aku bersabar.
dengan sikap ketidakmatangan dia.

bertolak ansur dan diam walau betapa menyampahnya aku dengan attitude dia.

tapi dia..

tetap dengan sikap dia.
berterusan melukakan aku.

dan..

satu-satunya insan aku harap yang mampu mengerti.
memahami perasaan ini bertindak menyokong intan.
sepertimana dia menyokong "kawan baik" dia dulu.
dan menghadiahkan luka dalam yang hingga kini masih jua berdarah.

entahlah.
hatiku kosong sekosongnya.
berdarah kerana sikap insan2 yang aku sayang.

sampai bila?

jua aku tak pasti.

aku.
mana layak nak join korang.
dan korang pun malu kalau berjalan dengan aku.

aku pengotor.
bukan pembersih macam korang.

aku tak tutup aurat sempurna macam korang.
aku tak jaga maruah macam korang.

aku tak solat.
tak baca quran hari2 macam korang.

aku selalu mencarut and disebabkan kau terpengaruh dengan aku, kau mencarut juga.

ideologi kau dan aku berbeza.

aku penghuni neraka yang pasti.
tak seperti kau,
penghuni syurga yang menanti.

buruk dan busuk bagaimanapun aku,
aku tahu.

aku tak hipokrit.

aku tak gah bercakap belakang tapi bila berdepan menikus.

aku bukan talam dua muka.

aku adalah aku.

apa yang kau nampak,
itu adalah aku.
luar dan dalam.

dan attitude aku depend pada attitude kau terhadap aku.
kasar kau beri kasarlah aku balas.

jadi,
untuk apa kau terasa?
makan dalam.
sedangkan aku tak terasa dengan patah bicara kau.

semoga kau bahagia hidup dengan manusia hipokrit dalam dunia kepura-puraan kau.

tak tahu nak describe apa yang aku rasa sekarang ni.

kosong. terkilan. terluka.

kenapa harus aku dilahirkan?

kenapa aku kena teruskan hidup dengan badan cacat macam ni?

kenapa manusia suka menilai?
mengkritik sesuka hati sedangkan diri pun kekurangan?

semua salah. semua tak kena.

sigh..

persahabatan bukan untuk aku.

kawan hanya akan menyusahkan aku.
menyerabutkan aku.

hidup tak bergantung,
terlibat dengan orang lain lagi bagus.

*its always me against the world

You're Just Too Good To Be True

i use to believe that i wasn't good enough to be loved or to loved.
use to believe that ain't no one gonna love me for who i am 
since i wasn't all charming eye catcher kinda girl. 

I've been born with endless flaws
and been brought up in not so tranquil lovable environment.
been beaten up almost every single day.
and I can't cry.
coz cry and tears are for pussy.
for person who are weak and can't stupidly handle their own fucking problem.

apart from being abused during my childhood time.

love wasn't bringing me any good either.
guys usually end up ditch and dump me.
pervert and assholes.

all those thing had took a toll on me.
lead me to serious depressions and suicidal tendency.
cuts and slits are something that i live with.
abusing varies kind of meds and even planning to admit myself to nearest mental institute.

well.
lucky me.
to meet someone who ain't perfect
but we perfected each other.

found him when i stumble upon my deepest depression.

ever since then.
he had love me.
care and always there for me whenever i need him.
showed me true meaning of love.
never even dump me though i'm such a pain in the ass.
a bitch.

i guess i'm lucky.
to have someone who love me dearly despite all my flaws.
my pitch black past.

how i hope he will always be mine.
for i couldn't live a sec without him by my side.

i love him more than my own life.
love him and i can't even breathe if he went amuk and pissed with me.

sigh..

and now.
i miss him.
badly.

need to text him.

dari semalam
hingga saat ini
aku menunggu text dari dia.

berjauhan
namun
terasa banyak yang aku ingin kongsi dengannya.

tapi
mungkin jua ini caranya
untuk menyatakan
i'm done with you.

diam seribu bahasa.

aku.

entahlah.

aku terasa hati ni hancur tidak berbaki.
meninggalkan ruang kosong yang amat menyakitkan.
malah untukku bernafas pun
terasa sakit. pedih.

dia nekad untuk pergi jua akhirnya.

tinggalkan aku disaat aku memerlukan dirinya.

kalau kau nak aku pergi.

tapelah.

aku pergi.

aku bukan sesiapa pun bagi kau.

ada masa aku rasa letih.
untuk terus melangkah walau setapak.

letih untuk teruskan hidup
tanpa tujuan.
tanpa masa depan yang pasti.

masa depan yang kelam.
gelap.

aku cemburu melihat teman2ku.
berjaya membina hidup mereka.
berjaya bertapak dan berdiri.
punya ibu bapa.
keluarga yang pegang.
tatkala mereka tergelincir.
dan aku??

aku keseorangan.
membina hidup dari debu.
kerna aku bukan mereka.
mereka yang disediakan seluas jalan oleh ibu dan ayah.

segalanya sukar.
segalanya payah buatku.
meniti denai berbatu dan berduri.
aku bukan seperti mereka.
yang melangkah lenangnya dititian emas.
diatas sana.

betapa aku ingin menangis.
legakan luka yang kian mendalam.
bebaskan jiwa dari kekalutan ini.
namun..
airmataku kering.
kering sekeringnya.
tak termampu untuk menitis walau berkali ku mencuba.

aku terasa bodoh.
berlagak kuat
berlagak teguh.
walhal diri serapuh kaca.

bilakah akan berakhir
bilakah akan ternoktah

mampukah aku terusi perjalanan
sedang ku sedar
aku kian tersungkur.

mendung hari kilat menyapa.
walang hati tiada berlagu.
pada siapa harus ku adu.
akan tangis tiada bernada.

duri kaca telah ku jejak.
berdarah hati tiada ku kisah.
andai mampu ku olah semula.
pasti ku pilih tiada dilahir.

cinta itu..
persis hujan..
dingin namun menyegarkan..

persis air..
melegakan namun kelemasan..

rindu itu..
hadir tika malam bertamu..
secebis hati siat tercarik..
menjerut walang jiwa kekasih..

sayang itu..
bagaikan pantai jua lautan..
badailah ombak didada pasir..
takkan menghilang takkan tenggelam..

kasih..
airmata ini..
menitis kerna dirimu..

hati ini..
berdarah kerna belatimu..

walang ini..
jua kernamu..

buka hatimu
buka matamu..
renung aku ke dasar hatiku..
pasti kau sasau melihat indah dindingnya..
terpahat terlakar segaris namamu..
pasti kau bingung kerna degupnya..
yang menjerit menyeru cintamu..

nobody wanna be in second place.

trust me.

i know how it feels like.

Aku Dan Dia

aku nak menangis
tapi airmataku kering.

aku nak menjerit
tapi bibirku dipasung.

aku nak lari
tapi aku tahu aku akan mati tanpa dia.

aku nak mati
tapi aku sedar dia nyawaku.

sebetulnya.
aku sakit.

sakit
kerana dia masih jua lena.
lena dalam mimpi ngeri.
penjara kelam.

pasung cinta semalam yang menghantui.

entah apa harus ku lakukan.

agar dia tersedar. mengerti.

siapa dia dihatiku.
siapa dia pada hidupku.

mengerti.

yang aku.

walaupun sial.
walaupun sundal.
takkan pernah pergi.
takkan lepaskan ikatan ini.

mengerti.
walau berpuluh kali dia sakiti aku.
walau sepedih mana makian dia pada aku sedangkan aku yang harus dia pertahankan.
aku tetap disini.
menunggu.

and I won't go.
no matter how painful it is.

kenapa dia tak faham.
kenapa dia tak mengerti.
kenapa dia tak mampu melihat.
merasai.

cintanya aku pada dirinya.
rindunya aku pada dirinya.

benar.
parut yang dia hadiahi padaku kerna ainee.
masih jua terasa. berdarah.
malah.
pedihnya terasa dalam tiap hembusan nafas.
dan.
hingga kini.
masih jua airmata ini menitis.
tiap kali bait kata darinya menyentak mindaku.

namun.
aku tetap disini.
keseorangan.

menunggu kau hadir.

payungi aku dari hujan menggila.

hangatkan aku dari kebekuan ini.

aku masih disini.

menanti kau hadir..

dengan cinta.
tanpa ragu.
gusar padaku.

aku masih disini..

Penghujung Permulaan Cinta

perkahwinan.
didefinisikan sebagai destinasi.
penghujung sebuah hubungan antara dua jiwa.
titik hidup yang amat dinanti bagi pasangan yang mabuk tercinta.
perempuan terutamanya.

ikatan yang menyatukan
menghalalkan.

selama aku bernafas.
pelbagai jenis.
ragam manusia aku temui.

lots yang aku despise
and few yang aku suka.

benci menjadi mainan bibirku.
argh..
memang.
aku pendukung kuat watak antagonist.
antagonist dalam dunia nyata.
realiti.

aku lebih bahagia begini.

benar aku perempuan.
yang seharusnya dihiasi dengan renda2 kelembutan.
indah sopan dan santun menjadi hiasan diri.

namun,
kalian harus mengerti.
ketahui.
tiada apa yang terjadi dalam dunia ni tanpa sebab.
there's always a reason.
no matter how petty it is.

dan aku begini.
keras.
kerna aku punya alasan.
bait pengalaman yang kamu tak termampu untuk lalui sepertimana aku.

sigh..

aku melihat gadis2. teman2ku.
cantik.
ayu.

terpesona dengan sepasang mata yang bening.
bibir yang indah terukir.
menyusun kata penuh sopan dan lembut.

andai aku terpegun.
apatah lagi lelaki diluar sana.
terkesima.

tapi.
hanya perempuan yang mengetahui rahsia wanita.

cantik luaran,
dalamannya belum tentu seindah rupanya.
vice versa.

gadis cantik.
yang ku temui.
adanya pengotor.
adanya desperate.
tidak langsung melambangkan anugerah Allah.

pengotor as in,
membuang kapas pencuci muka merata2.
baju kain bersepah.
pad. pantyliner.

and desperate..

banyak yang mahu ku perkatakan.
tentang sifat paling menonjol pada diri gadis.
buruk atau cantik.

desperate.
mengejar platform terakhir dalam sebuah cinta.
perkahwinan.

terdesak sehingga sanggup.
menjadi pilihan kedua.
terlanjur.
dan terburu2 memilih pasangan dengan membutakan mata andai sang arjuna hati melakukan kesilapan.

untuk apalah dikejarkan sangat gelaran puan.
ibu.
benar ia mengesahkan kita "laku"
hot item kerana dibooking awal oleh jejaka.

gadis.
tertutupkah hijab kalian.
pada hakikat sebuah perkahwinan.
liku dan duri yang akan kalian tempuhi bersama dan lebih teruk,
keseorangan.

sedarkah kalian.
pada tanggungjawab yang akan anda galasi setelah termeterainya ikatan itu.
amanah Allah pada nyawa2 yang bernafas dalam rahim kalian kelak.

benar cintu itu indah.
sakit tapi indah.

mampukah keindahan itu kekal andai pasangan yang dipilih itu dibuat tika anda terdesak.
terburu2.

mampukah ikatan itu abadi.
andai tiada kesefahaman antara kalian berdua.

tika bercinta.
anda merahsiakan perasaan.
memendam dengan alasan dia kekasih kau.
menipu diri sendiri.
hipokrit.
dengan menjadi gadis sopan.
lembut bicara hanya kerana mitos lelaki menyukai wanita sebegitu.

argh..
aku letih.

letih membahaskan isu yang tiada kesudahan.

letih melihat kebodohan kaumku hanya untuk manusia bernama lelaki.

letih menyaksikan aksi bodoh yang dilakukan perempuan hanya dengan alasan atas nama cinta.

aku letih.
melihat gadis2 ini.
terdesak.
menamatkan zaman bujang sekelipan mata.
dan menjanda walau penat.
lelah tika kenduri masih terasa.

perkahwinan bukanlah penghujung pada sebuah percintaan namun..
merupakan permulaan dugaan pada teguhnya cinta kalian..

*i guess i'm lucky.
to fall in love with my own best friend..

Penghujung Permulaan Cinta

perkahwinan.
didefinisikan sebagai destinasi.
penghujung sebuah hubungan antara dua jiwa.
titik hidup yang amat dinanti bagi pasangan yang mabuk tercinta.
perempuan terutamanya.

ikatan yang menyatukan
menghalalkan.

selama aku bernafas.
pelbagai jenis.
ragam manusia aku temui.

lots yang aku despise
and few yang aku suka.

benci menjadi mainan bibirku.
argh..
memang.
aku pendukung kuat watak antagonist.
antagonist dalam dunia nyata.
realiti.

aku lebih bahagia begini.

benar aku perempuan.
yang seharusnya dihiasi dengan renda2 kelembutan.
indah sopan dan santun menjadi hiasan diri.

namun,
kalian harus mengerti.
ketahui.
tiada apa yang terjadi dalam dunia ni tanpa sebab.
there's always a reason.
no matter how petty it is.

dan aku begini.
keras.
kerna aku punya alasan.
bait pengalaman yang kamu tak termampu untuk lalui sepertimana aku.

sigh..

aku melihat gadis2. teman2ku.
cantik.
ayu.

terpesona dengan sepasang mata yang bening.
bibir yang indah terukir.
menyusun kata penuh sopan dan lembut.

andai aku terpegun.
apatah lagi lelaki diluar sana.
terkesima.

tapi.
hanya perempuan yang mengetahui rahsia wanita.

cantik luaran,
dalamannya belum tentu seindah rupanya.
vice versa.

gadis cantik.
yang ku temui.
adanya pengotor.
adanya desperate.
tidak langsung melambangkan anugerah Allah.

pengotor as in,
membuang kapas pencuci muka merata2.
baju kain bersepah.
pad. pantyliner.

and desperate..

banyak yang mahu ku perkatakan.
tentang sifat paling menonjol pada diri gadis.
buruk atau cantik.

desperate.
mengejar platform terakhir dalam sebuah cinta.
perkahwinan.

terdesak sehingga sanggup.
menjadi pilihan kedua.
terlanjur.
dan terburu2 memilih pasangan dengan membutakan mata andai sang arjuna hati melakukan kesilapan.

untuk apalah dikejarkan sangat gelaran puan.
ibu.
benar ia mengesahkan kita "laku"
hot item kerana dibooking awal oleh jejaka.

gadis.
tertutupkah hijab kalian.
pada hakikat sebuah perkahwinan.
liku dan duri yang akan kalian tempuhi bersama dan lebih teruk,
keseorangan.

sedarkah kalian.
pada tanggungjawab yang akan anda galasi setelah termeterainya ikatan itu.
amanah Allah pada nyawa2 yang bernafas dalam rahim kalian kelak.

benar cintu itu indah.
sakit tapi indah.

mampukah keindahan itu kekal andai pasangan yang dipilih itu dibuat tika anda terdesak.
terburu2.

mampukah ikatan itu abadi.
andai tiada kesefahaman antara kalian berdua.

tika bercinta.
anda merahsiakan perasaan.
memendam dengan alasan dia kekasih kau.
menipu diri sendiri.
hipokrit.
dengan menjadi gadis sopan.
lembut bicara hanya kerana mitos lelaki menyukai wanita sebegitu.

argh..
aku letih.

letih membahaskan isu yang tiada kesudahan.

letih melihat kebodohan kaumku hanya untuk manusia bernama lelaki.

letih menyaksikan aksi bodoh yang dilakukan perempuan hanya dengan alasan atas nama cinta.

aku letih.
melihat gadis2 ini.
terdesak.
menamatkan zaman bujang sekelipan mata.
dan menjanda walau penat.
lelah tika kenduri masih terasa.

perkahwinan bukanlah penghujung pada sebuah percintaan namun..
merupakan permulaan dugaan pada teguhnya cinta kalian..

Ai Ren

" you know you're in love when you can't fall asleep
because reality is finally better than your dreams "

Its finally happen..

The pain,
though its still there.
Somewhere..
Aching dully from this new healed heart..

My mask,
Torn to pieces by him. Solely.
Naked às he know every single details and lucky me.
He never judges. Never bail.

My so called titanium wall,
Crumble.
What is left from it are dust.
Hearsay that it used to exist.
Back then,
when I stumble in my deepest depression..

Midnight Sun.

Blue Moon.

Miracle.
As he define this beautiful love of ours.

He's my midnight sun.
Shine brightly when I needed him the most.
Ray of light
As I walked through this empty
pitch dark hole of mine.
Warm me
When everything chilling and slowly kill me with this coldness.

Blue Moon.
As I waited years for him.
To finally become mine.
To love me for who I am when nobody care less to at least ask instead of judging and gave numerous number of advises.
Useless one.

Miracle.
When we meet.
Out of million people in there.
To fall madly in love
when we promised that we'll never fall for each other no matter what happen.
To share even the tiniest detail and care less how petty it is.

One and only.
Who able to pinned me down.

One who single handedly crushed my wall to pieces.

Who capable of removing my forever wear mask.

Dear..

I love you.
I always will.
I'll wait for you
and be there for you no matter what will happen.
I won't bail and leave you.

" and i can't accept and live with any means of separation "

I just can't..

Soul Counterpoint

its been a while since i last wrote here.
something has struck and injured my heart. badly.
happened and literally kill my worn out soul.

took almost a month for me.
to realise that she can read all this fucked up life of mine.

say all kind of bullshit to me.
call me raccoon and stuff.
comment.
condemn.
but its her who i pity the most.

pathetic. stupid.
for failing to make use of god given gift.
brain and eyes.

brain for couldn't understand reason behind my so called stupid act.

and eyes for couldn't see how much pain i'm in.
bleeding all over and still managed to walk in this corrupted condemned world of ours.

despite all this entangled pain that i'm constantly in.

i do smile. laugh.

too ego to cry in front of others.

but still
i can't stop this aching heart.
for i couldn't let my past go.
i'm used to it.
*sigh..

till..

god graciously lend me His angel.

angel on earth.

lend me an angel.

so i can breath.

smile with my heart.

and ease my throbbing pain.

my midnight sun..

but then...

" Tong Hua ( Fairytale ) "

Wang le you duo jiu
Zai mei ting dao ni
Dui wo shuo ni
zui ai de gu shi

Wo xiang le hen jiu
Wo kai shi huang le
Shi bu shi wo you
zuo cuo le shen me

Ni ku zhe dui wo shuo
Tong hua li dou shi pian ren de
Wo bu ke neng
shi ni de wang zi

Ye xu ni bu hui dong
Cong ni shuo ai wo yi hou
Wo de tian kong
xing xing dou liang le

Wo yuan bian cheng tong hua li
Ni ai de na ge tian shi
Zhang kai shuang shou
Bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni

Ni yao xiang xin
Xiang xin wo men
hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
Xin fu he kuai le shi jie ju

Wo yao bian cheng tong hua li
Ni ai de na ge tian shi
Zhang kai shuang shou
Bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni

Ni yao xiang xin
Xiang xin wo men
hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
Xin fu he kuai le shi jie ju

Wo hui bian cheng
tong hua li
Ni ai de na ge tian shi
Zhang kai shuang shou
Bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni

Ni yao xiang xin
Xiang xin wo men
hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
Xin fu he kuai le shi jie ju

Yi qi xie wo men de jie ju

no caption needed

i can't believe this is happening.

happen when i truly believe he love me as much as i love him.

it hurt me.

deeply.

deeper than the previous wound.

i literally could hear.

my fragile worn out heart
fall and shattered to million pieces.

i can feel.

the empty hole.

place where my shattered heart used to beat his name.

my heart.

it wasn't there anymore.

i tried.

i tried.

collecting pathetically.

fixing.

mending this broken pieces.

and.

i failed.

my heart.

too broken to be fix.

and.

the worst is.

i couldn't cry.

my tears just won't shed.

i know.

its.

my broken soul.

re activate the wall itself.

defense system.

and i couldn't do anything.

couldn't feel anything.

it.. it feels.. so empty..

empty..

silence..

just the sound of my shattered heart..

Orphan

makin lama makin gila aku .

sending me text after text saying that i somehow manage to transfer her money to my account.

fikir logik lah weh.
even if aku manage curi your fucking bank card.
kau ingat aku ni bomoh?
main tilik number pin kau.
dapat number pin kau dalam mimpi.
and suruh jin transfer sebab

I CAN'T FUCKING GET OUT FROM THAT MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE!!

bangang.

tak habis2 dengan perangai asshole kau!
aku je yang bodoh,
lembut hati bila tengok kau makin lama makin tua sakit.
aku je yang bengong
bertahan dengan kau lepas apa yang kau buat pada aku selama ni.

jangan harap kau dapat tengok muka aku lagi.

kau banggakan sangat kan dengan anak2 saudara kau.
dengan adik2 kau.

fine bitch.

kau g mampus kat rumah dorang.
aku nak tengok berapa lama dorang boleh handle attitude asshole kau!

benci2 aku kat kau
lepas apa yang kau put me through.
after series of torture and agony.
lepas kau tolak aku dalam lubang dalam.gelap and sejuk.
semua tu tak halang aku untuk rasa bertanggungjawab pada kau!
MY SO CALLED MUM!

sebab apa?
aku percaya pada karma.
aku tak sanggup anak aku buat perkara sama pada aku.
and aku lembik.
kaki aku tak cukup kuat untuk tinggalkan kau.
tapi kau tak berubah.
kau tak nampak.
yang kau tahu,
aku bencikan kau.
aku suka hina kau.
itu je yang kau tahu.
kenapa kau buta?
manusia yang baru pertama kali jumpa aku pun faham.
tapi kau??

this is it bitch.
i can't endure your fucked up attitude no more.

kau anggaplah anak yang kau tak pernah sayang ni dah mati.

kesabaran aku dah sampai limit.

kau hiduplah dengan cara kau.

as far as i concern,
both my parent are dead.

" It Will Rain "

If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine
at my door
'Cause it would take
a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore.

There's no religion
that could save me
No matter how long
my knees are on the floor (Ooh)

So keep in mind
all the sacrifices I'm makin'
To keep you by my side
To keep you from
walkin' out the door.

'Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby

There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby

Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same,
if you walk away
Everyday it'll rain, rain, ra-a-a-ain

I'll never be your mother's favorite
Your daddy can't even look me
in the eye Ooh,

if I was in their shoes,
I'd be doing the same thing
Sayin'
"There goes my little girl
Walkin' with that troublesome guy"

But they're just afraid of something they can't understand Ooh,
but little darlin'
watch me change their minds

Yeah for you I'll try, I'll try, I'll try,
I'll try I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make you mine

'Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby

There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby

Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same,
if you walk away
Everyday it'll rain, rain, ra-a-a-ain

Oh, don't you say
(don't you say) goodbye (goodbye),

Don't you say
(don't you say) goodbye (goodbye)

I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make it right

'Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby

There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby

And just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same,
if you walk away
Everyday it'll rain, rain, ra-a-a-ain

Saturday Muse

kusut .

serabut .

alone .

lonely .

broken .

bleeding .

suffocating .

torment .

hurtful .

painful .

crying .

feeling it all and fail to combine it into complete sentence.

Worst Morning

legs are soaring .

menstrual cramp and pain.

severe migraine attack

and yes

bleeding nose.

compilation of a perfect morning muse.

none pain killer left to ease this terrible moment.

*sigh..

" Bukan Diriku "

Setelah ku fahami
ku bukan yang terbaik
yang ada di hatimu

Tak dapat ku sangsikan
ternyata dirinyalah
yang mengerti kamu
bukanlah diriku

Kini maafkanlah aku
bila ku menjadi bisu
kepada dirimu
bukan santunku terbungkam
hanya hatiku terbatas
tuk mengerti kamu
maafkanlah aku

Walau ku masih mencintaimu
Ku harus meninggalkanmu
Ku harus melupakanmu

Meski hatiku menyayangimu
Nurani membutuhkanmu
ku harus merelakanmu

Dan hanyalah dirimu
yang mampu memahamiku
yang dapat mengerti aku

ternyata dirinyalah
yang sanggup menyanjungmu
yang dapat menyantunmu

bukanlah diriku .

" Hiding My Heart "

This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
Who blew me away
Blew me away

And It was
in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow
and you took my pain
And buried them away,
buried them away

I wish I could lay down
beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face
against the morning sun

But like everything
I've ever known
You'll disappear one day

So I'll spend my whole life
hiding my heart away

Dropped you off
at the train station
Put a kiss on top of your head
Watched you wave
And watched you wave

Then I went on home
to my skyscrapers
And neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call that home

I wish I could lay down
beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face
against the morning sun

But like everything
I've ever known
You'll disappear one day

So I'll spend my whole life
hiding my heart away Away,

yeah

Woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started

The morning rain
The morning rain

And though I wish
that you were here
On that same old road that brought me here
It's calling me home
It's calling me home

I wish I could lay down
beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face
against the morning sun

But like everything
I've ever known
You'll disappear one day

So I'll spend my whole life
hiding my heart away

I can spend my whole life
hiding my heart away

" Pendam "

Aku yang mengejar
bayang cinta

Kian terbiar
Terpendam kata
Tak terungkap selamanya

Pedihnya hanya
aku yang merasa
Mahu memilikinya
Aku hanya hamba cinta

Bisik hatiku lepaskan dirinya
Sungguh aku tak bisa
Biarlah ku sendiri
Tanpa kasih di hati

Aku tak mampu pertahankan lagi
Cinta yang menyakiti
Biarlah aku pergi
Tiada hampa di hati

Pedihnya hanya aku yang merasa
Mahu memilikinya
Aku hanya hamba cinta

Bisik hatiku lepaskan dirinya
Sungguh aku tak bisa
Biarlah ku sendiri
Tanpa kasih di hati

Aku tak mampu pertahankan lagi
Cinta yang menyakiti
Biarlah aku pergi
Tiada hampa di hati

Aku yang mengejar bayang cinta

Self Killing Feeling

i am fucked up.

had this one idiot habit.

habit that literally kill me.

being possessive.

i am greed.
for wanting him or her
or anything for myself.

sharing is caring are bullshit term that people create to sooth their fucking broken feeling.

i can't stand the idea of me sharing my loved one,
my precious stuff with people.

well,
last night were the worst night.
manage to get my heart
three brand new scars.
one from my asshole mother.
one from a friend.
and another one..
well
why don't we just let it be a secret.

my mum as usual,
not worthy to spend my time writing bout it.

last night were someone birthday.
best friend to a friend of mine.
he told me,
that he's chatting with her and me at the same time.

again.
i'm a possessive bitch.
so it kinda hurt for me to SHARE.
told him that she deserve him alone instead of sharing him with me for last night were her special night.

that's not the real reason.
i hate sharing.
hate it with a thousand sun.
i can't told him this stupid feeling of mine.
he'll be pissed off since this kind of act suffocate him.
so i create a reasonable reason to save my worn out heart from bleeding to death . again .
and at the same time,
didn't suffocate him with this lunatic behavior.

*sigh..

the third scar are the most painful one.
the deepest among the deepest.
unforgettable .
tormenting moment and stays for a lifetime.
filled with venomous venom that literally paralyzing my fragile heart.

and for this unbearable devastated dreadful painful scar,
I've made a vow.
a promise that will save my heart from beating its last beat.

and for this scar,
I've create a mask out of blood and tears.
thickest among thickest.
thickest mask i ever put on.

closing every tender door that I've stupidly opened for someone.

burning every last pieces of this so called love.
an untold full of denial love.

shutting and burying everything so that i wouldn't get hurt. again .
and saving
my precious fragile full of scars heart.

been so reckless and careless.
let my guard down and
accidentally crack my previous mask.
and I've suffered it consequences.
dreadful one.
creating a permanent deep and painful scar.

this mask.
so called tough bitch mask.
are staying for good.

cross my heart and hope to die.

Raya Prep

since aku kena kerja hari raya nanti,

aku decided cari casual attire untuk aku merayap raya pertama nanti hoho

first,
aku went on endless searching for ankle boots or lady booties.

since I've left my precious boots collection at Kelantan.

found one that caught my eyes tapi dah sold out.
*sigh

but then,
i met this instagram account called freak boutique.
and found my dream boot!

slightly above my ankle
with 5inch heels.
black for sure hoho

yeay!

later on,
I've bought this awesome skinny candy black jeans
and also
a white non sleeve knee length dress.
freaking cute dress!
^_____^

and shops for other few items,

- pam latte wide shawl

- an adorable bracelet

- a golden clutch bag

with grand total of
rm275.00

boot were the most expensive one but worth every penny.

okay,
*pengsan

p/s :
will upload pics when i receive my parcel next week ^______^

Imminent Heartbreak

Kebutuhan Seorang Ibu

pernah rasa,
perasaan nak hempas semua and just walk away.
berambus and harap diri cepat mampus disebabkan pressuring environment or person itself.
rasa nak hantuk kepala kat dinding sekuat mungkin and harap semua benda bodoh ni hilang.

urgh!

seriously,
aku tak faham.
tak faham dengan kepala otak sesetengah manusia.
perangai fucked up dorang.
nak nak lagi perangai pukimak mak aku.

kalau tegur,
mengamuk
marah.
dah kau silap.
admit jelah.
dok buat drama lahabau dengan aku buat apa?

what,
kau ingat kau tua,
banyak pengalaman,
kau perfect lah??
bontot ayam kau betina!

urgh..

pantang orang tegur
mulalah cakap aku benci lah
sehari xsah kalau aku tak mengutuk kau lah
buat perangai touching butuh kau.
bullshit bitch!
aku pantang betul kalau ada manusia buat perangai lancau macam ni dengan aku.

kalau aku,
benci kau betina,
kau ingat kau dapat tengok muka aku lagi??
boleh je aku mengangkang jual pantat kat jantan.
berlambak jantan kat kl tapi tak,
instead aku balik kampung.
duduk dengan kau.

pernah tak terfikir dalam kepala otak dungu kau tu,

kenapa aku refuse bercakap dengan kau.
kenapa aku dingin bila dengan kau.
kenapa aku temper dengan kau.

TAK!!

tu problem nya,
kau TAK PERNAH FIKIR bitch!

reason aku suka hidup dalam dunia aku walaupun aku talkative
sebab aku meluat dengan kau.
aku benci fikiran negative kau.
aku benci perangai kau yang suka mengumpat.
aku benci mindset bodoh kau.
aku benci sikap kau yang suka merungut.
aku benci! benci! benci!

kau tak pernah cuba ubah hidup kau.
apa yang terjadi,
semuanya takdir.
kau miskin sebab takdir.
kau kahwin dengan ayah aku sebab takdir.
takdir.takdir.takdir.
kalau macam ni,
baik kau salahkan Tuhan terus.
bullshit bitch!

kau boros!
baju berlambak2.
kau tak pernah fikir panjang.
kau tak fikir,
kau ada tanggungjawab,
AKU! ANAK KAU!

kau buat pinjaman sampai berpuluh ribu,
and suddenly kau resign.
and now kau nak aku tanggung hutang kau.
on what reason bitch?
i'm your fucking daughter and am obliged to pay your debt.

asshole.

Tuhan hadirkan berpuluh jantan dalam hidup kau.
a good one.
tapi kau tolak mentah2.
reason kau?
arifian hodoh.
talib nama dia buruk.
and kau dengan ego nya
cabar orang yang tersilap dail nombor untuk cari kau.
and kalau berjaya,
kau willing jadi bini dia.

can't you see.
your life tumble up side down due to your stupid choice.
your fucking ego.
and you,
using me as a back up plan.
to clean up your mess.

for once in your fucking life,
listen bila orang tegur and improve.
stop all your fucking complaint and relax.
things won't turn out the way you expected,especially when you did nothing apart from endless whining and hoping for other to help you.

and i won't pay up your debt.
i need to save my paycheck.
for my future daughter or son.
to provide them a better life.

i lived through hardship.
humiliating and agonizing life.
i won't let my kids suffer like their mother did.

they will grow up with someone that they can call dad and mom.
they will become a cheerful and adorable teenager.

anybody care to be my valentine?

that song were like c4.

my so called diamond titanium wall crumble to pieces.

*sigh..

Carpal Turner Syndrome

suffered from carpal turner syndrome bout a year and half back.
i can't write due to numbness and inability to grip stuff especially pen.
had my physiotherapy and i was lucky for didn't have to go for surgery.

started when my mum find out that i'm quite good at massaging and stuff.
so kept on massaging her and she'll pissed off when i refused.
even told others bout it
and each time they came,
they definitely asked me to massage them.

pressure start to develope at my median wrist nerve due to several massaging session.
and it get worsen
when i had to write bunch of note during my study.

well,
carpal turner syndrome symptoms are,

numbness on your palm and one or two fingers.
pressure pain at wrist and extend to elbow.
inability to grip stuff.
tingling.

and now,
i think the disease
start to haunt me back.
as i am suffering from all those symptoms this past few days.

its hurt.
and definitely didn't want to go for surgery.
doctor scare the hell outta of me!

*sigh.

" Distance "

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

And I will make sure
to keep my distance
Say, "I love you,"
and you're not listening

And how long
can we keep this up, up, up?

Please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what
you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you'll understand

And I will make sure
to keep my distance
Say, "I love you,"
when you're not listening

And how long
can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting
For you to take me
You keep waiting
To save what we have

So I'll make sure
to keep my distance
Say, "I love you,"
and you're not listening

And how long
can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure
to keep my distance
Say, "I love you,"
when you're not listening

How long
'til we call this love, love, love?

Empty Hole

dua tiga hari ni..
aku rasa kosong..
empty body with no living soul on the inside.

something missing inside of me.

i do smile and laugh.
and it was a mask that i have to put on in front of others.
my defense shield.

at times,
i just want to go away.
somewhere far enough
where no one could ever find me and break me to pieces.

sometimes,
i just want to cry my heart out and ease this cut.
to stop my heart from bleeding and aching for i couldn't live with this pain for another day.

there's time,
i just want to scream and scream.
so that world will now,
how much pain i had to carry in my fragile little heart.
and its killing me.
eating my soul.
causing me to lead a slow and dreadful death path.

this mask.
this smiling face.
it won't last.
it started to crack.

the tears,
they has found their way out.
showing my weakness to others.
exposing my deformed and vulnerable soul.

walking on pieces of shattered glass.

cuts me deeper and deeper.

Chosen Path

my life wasn't the life i choose to live in.
my path has been set up by my mom.

how i need to behave
how to talk to others
how to dress up
and
choosing my lifetime job,
as a nurse.

its not an easy life
and yes it is complicated to live life day by day doing something that been decide by other without caring how suffer you'll be.

but then,
i manage to embrace my fate.
my destiny.

and yes,
my patient do love me.
and it give me a hell of pleasure to help them and see their beautiful smiles.

they call me
"the humming nurse"
due to my humming habit each time i did my documentation or when walking or serving medication.

even canteen aunties recognise me for wearing varies colour of contact lens and constantly give me discount!

and yes,
lecturers know me due to my neat way of performing dressing procedure.
bandage
preparation of trolley
and way i clean wound and cuts.

and now,
i miss my patients
my used to be colleagues
hanging out with them at the end of the day
laughing and joke around in ward especially during night duty.

i miss being a nurse.

never occur to me to feel this feeling. this longing.

" Kiss Me "

Settle down with me
Cover me up
Cuddle me in
Lie down with me

And hold me in your arms
And your heart's
against my chest,
your lips pressed to my neck
I'm falling for your eyes,
but they don't know me yet

And with a feeling I'll forget,
I'm in love now
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved

This feels like falling in love
Falling in love
We're falling in love

Settle down with me
And I'll be your safety
You'll be my lady

I was made
to keep your body warm
But I'm cold as the wind blows
so hold me in your arms

Oh no

My heart's against your chest,
your lips pressed to my neck
I'm falling for your eyes,
but they don't know me yet

And with this feeling I'll forget,
I'm in love now
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved

This feels like falling in love
Falling in love
We're falling in love

Yeah

I've been feeling everything
From hate to love
From love to lust
From lust to truth

I guess that's how I know you

So I hold you close
to help you give it up

So kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved

This feels like falling in love
Falling in love
We're falling in love

Kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved

This feels like falling in love
Falling in love
We're falling in love

search for life

I was an innocent child.

who believed He had all the answers.

I was superficial.

searching for all the wrong things that I thought would bring happiness.

Everyone wanted a piece
of what I believed was really me. All they really wanted was to benefit from the person I blindly thought myself to be.

When I realized
my own delusion of myself,
and who I am,
I began to change
into the person I truly am,
the person I want to be,
the person I've always been.

but couldn't see through the eyes of my own unawareness.

Confused.

I sought a way to make sense of my confusion, my pain.

Desperately.

I clung to anything
to help confirm who I am.

I wanted all this pain to be just in my mind, not real.

Am I the me I think I am?

I don't have that internal
strength I need.

I'm jealous of blissful ignorance.
It is better to not have to deal with my demons.

And this is so hard to come to terms with

- who I thought I was versus who I really am.

Did I lose myself?

I can lose myself so easily.

All it takes is a crutch to ease this pain.

This pain is endless,
my safety exists only when I'm alone in my safe place.

I enable my self-pity.

But can't ignore it forever.

I know that I can't forever hide,
but the temptation is so inviting to forget the pain away.

The pain always creeps back in.
It ruins everything I know isn't,
but want to believe, is true.

I try to forget,
so many ways,
any way to make me believe
I am masking my hurt away,
using a pleasant veil so maybe they will believe.

then maybe I can, too.

Am I the me I think I am?

I don't have the strength
to fight it anymore.

I'm aware,
but the awareness is so painful.

But maybe I can just lose myself, one more temporarily gratifying time.

All it takes is a crutch to ease this pain.

" Unintended "

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended

You could be the one
I'll always love

You could be the one who listens
to my deepest inquisitions

You could be the one
I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy
mending broken
pieces of the life I had before

First there was
the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended

You should be the one
I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life I had before

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life I had before

Before you

" Everytime "

Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby

And everytime
I see you in my dreams
I see your face,
it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear

What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby

And everytime
I see you in my dreams
I see your face,
you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby

And everytime
I see you in my dreams
I see your face,
you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby