explaination for your accusation

umra's .

i tried to be nice to them.
ask them nicely to teach me how work actually been done there .
tapi diorang buat tak tahu and buat muka tapi lia diamkan.

lia still tegur diorang and minta diorang ajarkan tapi diorang perli.
mengata how stupid i am for not knowing anything .
and the doctors maki lia sebab lia diam masa pass report.
tak tanya apa function ubat yang staffnurse malam sebut.
lia tak tanya sebab lia tahu function ubat tu.

and lia resign sebab lia tak nak aniaya orang.
kerja kat situ tak ikut etika abang.
kongsi syringe yang i know akan lead to infection.
buat prosedur tapi tak ikut guidelines yang ditetapkan to prevent cross infection.

in nursing,
skills are the most important.
essential for a nurse.
and if i keep on working there with those kind off work etiquette,
i will lose my skills and i can't survive at any other hospital.

burger king shah alam .

i love working there .
enjoy . in fact tak terniat pun nak resign or anything .
lia kerja macam orang gila.
masuk pukul6pagi and balik pukul10 9malam hari2.
abang pun tahu.

and lia tak pernah ponteng kecuali time lia sakit. demam.

intan. manager dajalkan lia sebab i ask bout my overtime.
macam mana nak request payment tu.
dia bengang and berpakat dengan manager lain untuk tak hantar personal file lia and end up gaji lia kena tahan sampai sekarang.

lia kena buang sebab intan accidentally mengaku yang dia main duit.
sehari lepas dia mengaku, lia kena terminate.

salah lia juga ke abang?

demi Allah abang..
sepanjang lia kerja kt burger king, lia tak pernah menjawab tak pernah fight back no matter how asshole they are to me.
coz i love working there.

abang tak pernah pun jumpa lia depan2..
tapi sanggup abang buat speculation macam ni kan ..

sakit macam mana sekalipun abang..
lia tetap senyum.
you can go and ask my friend.
they never know who i really am.
all they know. lia gila2. suka senyum.

they even said,
bertuah jadi kau kan amalia..
tersenyum je.. happy je.. hidup tak ada masalah ..

tapi hakikatnya?

ya Allah ..
kenapalah abang buat lia macam ni ..
kenapa sanggup cakap lia sampaimacam tu sekali ..
lia tak sangka abang..
tak sangka.. yang selama ni, tu pandangan abang pada lia ..
abang tak tahu cerita sebenar tapi abang sanggup kata lia sampai macam ni sekali ...
kenapa abang..

abang tahu segalanya pasal hidup lia ..
lia ingatkan abang faham..
tapi rupanya.. dalam diam abang judge and buat spekulasi sendiri ..

you're not making me feel any better abang ..

kenapa abang makin kejam ..

makin berani pijak.. sakitkan lia ..

sampai hati abang ..

i ask you to come and meet me tapi abang refuse.
and now you're making this accusation without even bother to get to know me first.

i'm that girl abang.
girl who hide her pain and tears behind fake smile.
girl who laugh whenever she wanted to cry.
girl who will still dance upon broken pieces of glass though she bleed.

how could you abang ...

i know.. i realize ..

i'm not good enough for you ..

i'm just an ordinary girl.
jobless. with ugly face. torn up life.

who am i to compared to you.

a guy. a perfect guy.
with a perfect job.

i wish i hadn't fall for you..
i wish i hadn't told you everything that happened to me..

coz you..
just like everybody else..
you see.. you listen.. you know..
but you didn't understand..

lia tahu ..
orang lain pun ada kisah silam yang pahit..
and lia tak pernah cakap pun hidup lia paling teruk kalau compare dengan orang lain.

life is a test.
but everyone got their own paper.
different sets of question to answer.

lia tak pernah merungut.

kenapa abang perlu jadi macam mak lia?

yang melihat tapi buta..
yang mendengar tapi tak memahami..

my mum said that i the most dumb kid she ever known..
said that lia bebankan dia..
and cakap lia ni hodoh macam monyet sampai dia malu nak bawa lia jumpa kawan2 dia..

and last night..
you prove to me.
that i am stupid and dumb.
that i am a burdened to others.

the worst.. abang sanggup samakan lia dengan bohsia..

how could you..

abang cuma kenal lia through text and call.
and sepanjang setengah tahun kita couple,
abang tak pernah kenal lia depan2..
sampai hati abang..

maybe she was right after all.
i am a bitch. a stupid and dumb girl.
who burdened others.

thanks..
coz sedarkan lia..
how pathetic i am..
a loser.

terima kasih abang..
in shaa Allah.. lia akan ingat kata2 abang sampai lia mati..

warkah buat mu ..

abang ..

lia harap abang luahan hati ni ..
lia tak tahu macam mana nak luah depan2 pada abang tanpa abang maki hamun lia..
lia tak tahu macam mana nak buat abang faham apa yang ada dalam hati lia ..

abang ..
andai masa diulang kembali, lia tetap memilih abang ..
untuk temani hari2 sepi lia ..
andai Allah bagi lia satu peluang ..
lia tetap pilih abang ..
untuk lia pegang hingga hembusan nafas lia yang terakhir ..

abang ..
maafkan lia ..
maafkan lia sebab selalu lukakan hati abang ..
sakitkan abang berkali2 ..

abang..
kenapa abang jadi pemarah bila abang dengan .... hari sabtu tu?
kenapa abang panas baran ..
sedangkan sebelum ni lia pernah bergurau macam tu dengan abang
and abang melayan je perangai gila lia tu ..
lia sedih abang ..
sedih sangat .. seharian lia menangis ..
terasa dengan kata2 abang ..

abang ..
lia ..
lia rindukan abang .. abang segala2nya bagi lia ..
lia tunggu abang ..
seharian lia tunggu ..
memang lia marah .. and lia harap sangat abang pujuk lia hari ahad tu ..
tapi abang tak pujuk ..
abang marah lia ..
kenapa abang .. benci sangat ke abang pada lia ..
kepala lia sakit sangat malam tu ..
tapi lia tetap tunggu abang ..

abang ..
pagi tadi lia tunggu abang lagi ..
tunggu hanya untuk text dengan abang ..
walaupun hanya untuk setengah jam ..
tapi abang hilang sebab abang tade internet ..
and lia tetap tunggu abang sampai lah petang tadi ..
tapi abang hilang ..
empat jam lia tunggu abang ..
finally abang text ..
panggil sayang sayang berkali2 walaupun lia dah jawab ..
do you how much it annoys me after i've waited for hours..
i wish .. i hope ..
you'll come and comfort me .. pujuk ..
lia rindu nak bermanja dengan abang macam dulu ..
dulu .. tiap kali lia merajuk .. abang selalu pujuk lia ..
no matter how bitch i am to you ..
abang dah bosan ke dengan lia?
kenapa abang mudah sangat marah sekarang ni ..

abang ..
memang lia tak kerja sekarang ni ..
memang lia duduk rumah and tunggu abang ..
tapi tu semua bukan sebab lia marah ..
lia merajuk .. and lia nak abang pujuk ..
tapi ..
sampaihati abang cakap lia macam tu ..
hina lia ..
cakap lia tak faham keadaan abang sekarang sebab keje lia hari2 tunggu abang je ..
lia sedih abang .. sedih dengan kata2 abang ..
hina sangat ke lia dimata abang..

abang ..
maafkan lia ..
dah banyak lia susahkan abang ..
sebab lia abang terpaksa susah2 carikan lia kerja ..
terpaksa serabutkan kepala..
maafkan lia ..
sebab tak mampu jadi gadis yang sempurna untuk abang ..
yang terima seadanya ..
terima yang hari2 kita habiskan bersama hanya kurang dari lima jam ..
terima yang kita tak dapat bersama macam dulu lagi ..

abang ..
mungkin salah lia ..
salah lia sebab dulu lia tak pernah hargai abang ..
seksa abang dengan perangai lia ..
sampai you grow tired of my bullshit crazy ass attitude ..
grow tired sampai abang dah tak larat nak pujuk lia tiap kali lia merajuk macam dulu ..
maafkan lia abang ...
maafkan lia ..

abang ..
tadi ..
my nose bleed a lot ..
kepala lia rasa nak pecah ..
sakit sangat abang ..
lia pengsan ..
and now i've admitted to hospital and sepatutnya kena tahan but i refuse ..

abang ..
i can't contact you ..
to tell you how sorry i am ..
for yelling at you malam tadi ..
my handphone rosak sebab terjatuh masa lia pengsan ..
maafkan lia abang ..

abang ..
lia janji ..
yang lia takkan susahkan abang lagi ..
lia taknak abang tolong lia dah lepas ni ..
lia tak sanggup nak terima kalau abang mengungkit lagi ..
sakit sangat abang ..
lia akan cuba berdikari no matter how painful it is ..
and please .. please jangan marah lia..
i love you ..
but i can't handle perasaan sakit tu lagi ..
sakit bila abang mengungkit apa yang abang pernah buat untuk tolong lia ..
maafkan lia abang ..

abang ..
lia sakit sangat abang ..
sakit sangat ..
kepala lia rasa macam nak pecah ..
hati lia berdarah ..
tersayat dengan kata2 abang tadi ...
tapi lia tetap sayang abang ..
tak kira macam mana sekalipun ..
tak kira sesakit mana pun abang lukakan lia ..
lia tetap sayang abang ..

abang segala2nya bagi lia ..
lia dah tade sape2 lagi dalam dunia ni ..
you're my world ..

please come back to me ..
come back and be the loving guy i used to know ..
loving and caring guy that i fall in love with ..
i miss you .. the old you ..

lia tunggu abang .. selagi lia mampu ..

i just don't know why.
have this such a freaking bad luck when comes to work sector.

started with umra's.

the staff were so fucking asshole.
the doctors are worst.
and their etiquette in work..
*sigh..

i suspected all the staff has this mental illness..
what they call.. err..

bipolar disorder!!

and then i quit and work at fast food restaurant.

Burger King Shah Alam.

as a cashier and expenditure.

its great. kinda enjoy.
even work my ass off till fifteen fucking hours.

problem?

they fucking didn't send my fucked up personal file!
and i didn't get my payment for two fucking month!
GOD!!

until this very moment,
i still haven't receive my payment.
*sigh..

my saving are running low.

had to pay for house deposit this end of this month.

even had to reject job offer because it consume lots and lots of money.

*sigh..

i don't think I'll get that paycheck of mine..

tied tongue

its Friday. finally.
been waiting to talk to him.

but then, sometimes,
they are certain thing that its better to remain untold.

maybe its the best for us when he fall asleep during our conversation last night..

because.. i'm crying..

sigh..

he's special you know..
one in a million.. trillion??

why?

he got this great personality.
realistic kinda guy.
never bail though i keep pushing him away..
terrific command in English.
smart (guy with brain not some asshole with shit ass mindset).
understanding.
protective! (so fucking turned on!!)
and yes..
good looking and tall is a bonus indeed..

ever since our first conversation,
I've been waiting for him to call me.

i just love talking to him.
to hear his laugh and rant.
to listen how he perceive life and how naive he is when come to certain thing in life..

keep hearing this subtle voice in my heart,
"awwwhhh.. i got myself a really adorable boyfriend.. *melting* "

and i cry because..
someday..
i wouldn't be able to hear it anymore..

we've been texting this evening.
i know and he's right.

i'm getting worse.

my hair has started to fall.
i can't see clearly with my left eye and my hands tremble..
there's time i couldn't even hold my mugs properly and it slipped..

sigh..

my baby changed.
become manja.
and it scares me for i know that cats could sense our death..

is my time is finally here?

is it time for me to leave him?

will he meet someone and fall in love and live life happily like i always want him to be?

sigh..

I've been wanting..
to hold him..
or to at least see his smile..
certainly not through phone..

i guess it ain't going to happen..

i hope.. he'll stay strong..
regardless what going to happen in near future..

and i hope..
he wouldn't forget me when i'm gone.. and cherished all the time that we spend together..

honey..
there's so many thing i want to tell you.. bout how i felt..
bout our love..
how much i adore and respect you..
but i couldn't find right word and create a perfect sentence to expressed it..

you're my life too dear..
and you'll always be..

i love you T.

angel baby

baby.

i got myself a cat.
a very cute one.

grumpy face. bulu kembang.

tapi garang yang amat.
asal pegang je dia cakar and gigit.
and disebabkan dia terlalu comel,
aku tak boleh resist temptation untuk gomol dia.
and yes,
aku end up kena cakar sampai berdarah2.

sigh.

tapi,
minggu ni, baby lain.
manja.

suddenly datang and bermanja.
even sleep with me.
tunggu when i went to toilet.
she never let me out of her sight.

she become panic whenever she didn't see me on my bed and started to meowing,
as if she's calling and looking for me.

and she even hugged me.

she's different.

why?

dreams remain dreams

dreams are wonderful.

and painful if it stay as dream due to time restriction or burden of life.

as a normal human being,
i also have dreams.
lots of it.
but am not sure if i ever gonna make it through and live my dream.

so, here goes nothing.

i dreamed to lead a life.
with me alone without family bullshit,housemate that ticking me off or mum that somehow will drive me crazy.

to wake up in my cozy small little house and enjoy the cold and peaceful morning with my favourite music.

to just live life without anything to worry.

dream to improve my fucked up life and yes to be free from all these burden that I've been carrying my whole life.

dream to go somewhere.
place with beautiful beach and pearly white sand.

dream to watch sunset with someone i love dearly and spend the rest of the night in his arm.
safe and sound.

dream to open a small place for homeless kitty and find them a good human with angelic heart to foster and love them unconditionally.

dream to do everything that i couldn't do when i was a kid since I've been living with abuser and fucked up step dad.

dream to treat my child as they should be treated so that they grow and become a happy cheerful yet independent with golden heart human being.
not some asshole jerk with abusive past.
and to provide them everything they deserve so that they doesn't end up like me.

above are my major dream.
my most significant and important dream.

a lifetime goal.

and now..
with this condition of mine..
am sure enough..
it'll remain as dream as i doesn't have enough time to make it come true..

sigh..

though i'm in terrible pain,
but then, the pain of knowing that i couldn't live to see the rest of the day are far more agonizing.

break me to pieces.

unfulfilled wish

annoying. nuisance. irritating.

yes i know.
how pain in the ass i can be sometimes.

i irritate him.
by forcing him to come and meet me though i know he wasn't ready.

terasa hati. sedih.
Tuhan jelah yang tahu.

if he dare enough to meet everyone,
to even set up bundles of blind date before,
and even meet miss perfect lah
miss sweety pie lah,
why can't he meet me?

i wasn't after for his money,
or force him to treat me stuff
or to pay for anything.

i just want him. sigh.

am i that ugly? that hideous?
too gross till he giving me tons of excuse.. :'(

and now..
i can't meet him.
no,i refuse to meet him anymore.

can't meet him in this kind of condition.

with my hair severely gugur and how much pain i'm in right now and suffer from constant headache.
how can i meet him when i need to depend on pain killer to live my day less painful.

sigh.
nowadays, my eyes betrays me.
i can't even see clearly anymore.

i just hope.

I'll live to see him become someone he always wanted.

survive the day to at least see him successfully rise from his fallen life.

distant

you've changed abg..
feels so distant from you.
dah tak dapat rasa your love vibrant macam dulu..

you used to be so sensitive and understanding..
layan perangai gila lia..

used to be so patience with my nuisance and annoying attitude..

but now..

whatever is that coming out of my mouth pissed you off..
you're easily tick off..

upset on whatever thing i said..
grumpy..

i love you turns to take care..

no more i miss you and stuff..

cold and icy.

Beneath the Surface

ikatan antara kami
entahlah..
sukar untuk aku jelaskan..
hanya aku dan dia yang lebih mengerti..

sayang yang berputik
kami sembunyikan disebalik penafian yang kami takkan jatuh cinta pada satu sama lain..

mekar
menjadi cinta yang terindah dalam hidupku..

insan yang melihat takkan mengerti..
takkan mampu untuk fahami..
kami
tied in bundled of rope and only death that could set us free from this tangled love of ours..

they ask me,
tons of questions..

how i meet him..
where did he lived..
how old is he..
what he do for living..
how on earth that this kind of guy fall for me..
is he really love me..
does he really loyal to me since its a long distance relationship..

and the worst is,
saying entah2 dia ada perempuan lain kat sana and aku cuma sparepart..

some do ask me,
if they can have him
or have sex with him..
god..
some people can be asshole sometimes..

and i had to lock my phone..
secured it with password..
who knows,
sejarah lama berulang kembali..

sometimes,
i do wonder..

does appearance really that important?
matter most instead of love..

I've been searching for a guy..
who has brain.
smarter than i am and could at least improve my English haha..

teach me and guide me
coz i'm that girl..
girl that constantly lost and stumble in life..

i need someone
who are strong enough to pinned me down..
to hold me coz i'm so not easy to be tame down..

i'm that kind of girl.

rebellious. stone hard.
sometimes cold and icy.

and its proven.

even him,
strongest guy i ever meet.
had enough with me.
my butt hurt attitude.

well..
what i am trying to say is..
appearance,good looking,handsome aren't something that i crave for..

its more than enough if he could at least hold me and help me to stand whenever i stumble
(which constantly happen)
and yes..
to love me undefined irrevocably..

and yes,
good looking tu,
is an advantage, bonus.
its like a red saucy cherry on top of deliciously heart warning chocolate cupcake ^_^

tapi tak admit pun depan dia
takut nanti dia perasan..
hahahaha!!!! (gelak jahat)

selalu cakap dia tak comel,
tak handsome,
padahal malam2 siap mengigau bagai lagi..
*angau punya pasal*

*drooling*

Damm! hahahaha..

thing is,
love is ain't about how handsome he is..
how perfect he is..
or he rich he are..

love is when..
we both perfected each other flaws with our imperfections and together, create a perfect love that last a life time..

and love is when..
we keep on hurting each other and still couldn't live without one another..

i love you. always. forever.

Suicidal Tendency and Self Harm

As a normal human being,
we can't escape from difficulties in life
pressure depress and problems.

sometimes,
we can cope with it and solve.
and all those harsh time remain as a history.

but then,
there's time.
moment when we feels that we had enough.
feels like world aren't as beautiful as before.
and we can no longer smile or laugh.

feels like trapped in a small black box.
tied up.

can't escape. can't breathe. can't move.

and cried cried cried in our heart
but still we can't scream since our mouth been gagged.

gagged with what??
trapped by what??

gagged by the feeling of,
' i can't hurt all those person and burden them with my puny problems '

and trapped in society.
human being expectations of us to be perfect,
problem solver whatsoever.

as for me,
i had this abusive mother that abuse me mentally and physically.
that drove me to disbelief Allah coz she's been using this veto power of her that been termaktub in so called al-quran.

how a child should respect mother no matter how asshole their mother are.
how we need to live in guidelines that been preliminary set up.
and how we need to live ways by perfecting others perception for the sake of to be accepted by society.

sigh..

i felt trapped.

i can't killed myself coz i'll be permanent resident in Hell.
i can't convert my religion.
i can't disobey my mom coz it is not allowed.
i can't drink, smoke bla bla bla coz islam didn't allowed us to do so.

there's a lot more.
things i want to complaint.
but i just can't find the right word to describe how trapped i feels.

so tell me what should i do??

i've grown up as a troublesome teenager with a fucked up mind.

have abusively misused drugs.
any medicine that i could lay my hand on.

i smoke.

and yes,
i even slits and cuts my own freaking hand.

abusing drugs.
create a long term effect.
and i'll be dead for organ failing to function.

smoke.
coz it give me a short and temporary way to escape from my misery.

and.
slitting and cutting..
the best among the best.
it give me pleasure.
pleasure that is more than having sex with the man you love.
the blood,
wash away the pain that been throbbing my heart inside out.
the pain,
fades away the silent scream that i couldn't unleashed.

God..

unimaginable pleasure.
my happy place. apart from this blog.

until..
i meet him.

who literally saved my ass from all this shit.

who hold me in his arm and let me scream whenever world hurts me in the most meanest way.

who stand behind those wall watching and let me cry my heart out and come back and hold me in his arm again.

well,
my point is,
running away from your problems through suicide or create a fake smile in front of others won't do you any good.
its like a poison.
killing you in the most torturous and painful way.
a slow and agonizing death.

do what your heart desires though it is not an act that society will approve.
but at least we are happy.

we never know.

one fine day,
we'll meet someone or something that will change our life.
our point of view.
change the way we perceive life.

its not easy.
but definitely possible if we have the guts.
guts to ignore others.
ignore their whining and complaint on how we choose to live our life.
on path we choose to walk.

lastly,
to him.

the world means you and me.
world where nothing matters apart from us.
and yes,
you'll always be my teacher, my brother, sometimes a father,
my bestfriend, my soulmate.
and my lover.
please stay forever. with me.
coz you are my life.
reason for my heart to continue beating.

i love you..