" Bukan Diriku "

Setelah ku fahami
ku bukan yang terbaik
yang ada di hatimu

Tak dapat ku sangsikan
ternyata dirinyalah
yang mengerti kamu
bukanlah diriku

Kini maafkanlah aku
bila ku menjadi bisu
kepada dirimu
bukan santunku terbungkam
hanya hatiku terbatas
tuk mengerti kamu
maafkanlah aku

Walau ku masih mencintaimu
Ku harus meninggalkanmu
Ku harus melupakanmu

Meski hatiku menyayangimu
Nurani membutuhkanmu
ku harus merelakanmu

Dan hanyalah dirimu
yang mampu memahamiku
yang dapat mengerti aku

ternyata dirinyalah
yang sanggup menyanjungmu
yang dapat menyantunmu

bukanlah diriku .

" Hiding My Heart "

This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
Who blew me away
Blew me away

And It was
in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow
and you took my pain
And buried them away,
buried them away

I wish I could lay down
beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face
against the morning sun

But like everything
I've ever known
You'll disappear one day

So I'll spend my whole life
hiding my heart away

Dropped you off
at the train station
Put a kiss on top of your head
Watched you wave
And watched you wave

Then I went on home
to my skyscrapers
And neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call that home

I wish I could lay down
beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face
against the morning sun

But like everything
I've ever known
You'll disappear one day

So I'll spend my whole life
hiding my heart away Away,

yeah

Woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started

The morning rain
The morning rain

And though I wish
that you were here
On that same old road that brought me here
It's calling me home
It's calling me home

I wish I could lay down
beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face
against the morning sun

But like everything
I've ever known
You'll disappear one day

So I'll spend my whole life
hiding my heart away

I can spend my whole life
hiding my heart away

" Pendam "

Aku yang mengejar
bayang cinta

Kian terbiar
Terpendam kata
Tak terungkap selamanya

Pedihnya hanya
aku yang merasa
Mahu memilikinya
Aku hanya hamba cinta

Bisik hatiku lepaskan dirinya
Sungguh aku tak bisa
Biarlah ku sendiri
Tanpa kasih di hati

Aku tak mampu pertahankan lagi
Cinta yang menyakiti
Biarlah aku pergi
Tiada hampa di hati

Pedihnya hanya aku yang merasa
Mahu memilikinya
Aku hanya hamba cinta

Bisik hatiku lepaskan dirinya
Sungguh aku tak bisa
Biarlah ku sendiri
Tanpa kasih di hati

Aku tak mampu pertahankan lagi
Cinta yang menyakiti
Biarlah aku pergi
Tiada hampa di hati

Aku yang mengejar bayang cinta

Self Killing Feeling

i am fucked up.

had this one idiot habit.

habit that literally kill me.

being possessive.

i am greed.
for wanting him or her
or anything for myself.

sharing is caring are bullshit term that people create to sooth their fucking broken feeling.

i can't stand the idea of me sharing my loved one,
my precious stuff with people.

well,
last night were the worst night.
manage to get my heart
three brand new scars.
one from my asshole mother.
one from a friend.
and another one..
well
why don't we just let it be a secret.

my mum as usual,
not worthy to spend my time writing bout it.

last night were someone birthday.
best friend to a friend of mine.
he told me,
that he's chatting with her and me at the same time.

again.
i'm a possessive bitch.
so it kinda hurt for me to SHARE.
told him that she deserve him alone instead of sharing him with me for last night were her special night.

that's not the real reason.
i hate sharing.
hate it with a thousand sun.
i can't told him this stupid feeling of mine.
he'll be pissed off since this kind of act suffocate him.
so i create a reasonable reason to save my worn out heart from bleeding to death . again .
and at the same time,
didn't suffocate him with this lunatic behavior.

*sigh..

the third scar are the most painful one.
the deepest among the deepest.
unforgettable .
tormenting moment and stays for a lifetime.
filled with venomous venom that literally paralyzing my fragile heart.

and for this unbearable devastated dreadful painful scar,
I've made a vow.
a promise that will save my heart from beating its last beat.

and for this scar,
I've create a mask out of blood and tears.
thickest among thickest.
thickest mask i ever put on.

closing every tender door that I've stupidly opened for someone.

burning every last pieces of this so called love.
an untold full of denial love.

shutting and burying everything so that i wouldn't get hurt. again .
and saving
my precious fragile full of scars heart.

been so reckless and careless.
let my guard down and
accidentally crack my previous mask.
and I've suffered it consequences.
dreadful one.
creating a permanent deep and painful scar.

this mask.
so called tough bitch mask.
are staying for good.

cross my heart and hope to die.

Raya Prep

since aku kena kerja hari raya nanti,

aku decided cari casual attire untuk aku merayap raya pertama nanti hoho

first,
aku went on endless searching for ankle boots or lady booties.

since I've left my precious boots collection at Kelantan.

found one that caught my eyes tapi dah sold out.
*sigh

but then,
i met this instagram account called freak boutique.
and found my dream boot!

slightly above my ankle
with 5inch heels.
black for sure hoho

yeay!

later on,
I've bought this awesome skinny candy black jeans
and also
a white non sleeve knee length dress.
freaking cute dress!
^_____^

and shops for other few items,

- pam latte wide shawl

- an adorable bracelet

- a golden clutch bag

with grand total of
rm275.00

boot were the most expensive one but worth every penny.

okay,
*pengsan

p/s :
will upload pics when i receive my parcel next week ^______^

Imminent Heartbreak

Kebutuhan Seorang Ibu

pernah rasa,
perasaan nak hempas semua and just walk away.
berambus and harap diri cepat mampus disebabkan pressuring environment or person itself.
rasa nak hantuk kepala kat dinding sekuat mungkin and harap semua benda bodoh ni hilang.

urgh!

seriously,
aku tak faham.
tak faham dengan kepala otak sesetengah manusia.
perangai fucked up dorang.
nak nak lagi perangai pukimak mak aku.

kalau tegur,
mengamuk
marah.
dah kau silap.
admit jelah.
dok buat drama lahabau dengan aku buat apa?

what,
kau ingat kau tua,
banyak pengalaman,
kau perfect lah??
bontot ayam kau betina!

urgh..

pantang orang tegur
mulalah cakap aku benci lah
sehari xsah kalau aku tak mengutuk kau lah
buat perangai touching butuh kau.
bullshit bitch!
aku pantang betul kalau ada manusia buat perangai lancau macam ni dengan aku.

kalau aku,
benci kau betina,
kau ingat kau dapat tengok muka aku lagi??
boleh je aku mengangkang jual pantat kat jantan.
berlambak jantan kat kl tapi tak,
instead aku balik kampung.
duduk dengan kau.

pernah tak terfikir dalam kepala otak dungu kau tu,

kenapa aku refuse bercakap dengan kau.
kenapa aku dingin bila dengan kau.
kenapa aku temper dengan kau.

TAK!!

tu problem nya,
kau TAK PERNAH FIKIR bitch!

reason aku suka hidup dalam dunia aku walaupun aku talkative
sebab aku meluat dengan kau.
aku benci fikiran negative kau.
aku benci perangai kau yang suka mengumpat.
aku benci mindset bodoh kau.
aku benci sikap kau yang suka merungut.
aku benci! benci! benci!

kau tak pernah cuba ubah hidup kau.
apa yang terjadi,
semuanya takdir.
kau miskin sebab takdir.
kau kahwin dengan ayah aku sebab takdir.
takdir.takdir.takdir.
kalau macam ni,
baik kau salahkan Tuhan terus.
bullshit bitch!

kau boros!
baju berlambak2.
kau tak pernah fikir panjang.
kau tak fikir,
kau ada tanggungjawab,
AKU! ANAK KAU!

kau buat pinjaman sampai berpuluh ribu,
and suddenly kau resign.
and now kau nak aku tanggung hutang kau.
on what reason bitch?
i'm your fucking daughter and am obliged to pay your debt.

asshole.

Tuhan hadirkan berpuluh jantan dalam hidup kau.
a good one.
tapi kau tolak mentah2.
reason kau?
arifian hodoh.
talib nama dia buruk.
and kau dengan ego nya
cabar orang yang tersilap dail nombor untuk cari kau.
and kalau berjaya,
kau willing jadi bini dia.

can't you see.
your life tumble up side down due to your stupid choice.
your fucking ego.
and you,
using me as a back up plan.
to clean up your mess.

for once in your fucking life,
listen bila orang tegur and improve.
stop all your fucking complaint and relax.
things won't turn out the way you expected,especially when you did nothing apart from endless whining and hoping for other to help you.

and i won't pay up your debt.
i need to save my paycheck.
for my future daughter or son.
to provide them a better life.

i lived through hardship.
humiliating and agonizing life.
i won't let my kids suffer like their mother did.

they will grow up with someone that they can call dad and mom.
they will become a cheerful and adorable teenager.

anybody care to be my valentine?

that song were like c4.

my so called diamond titanium wall crumble to pieces.

*sigh..

Carpal Turner Syndrome

suffered from carpal turner syndrome bout a year and half back.
i can't write due to numbness and inability to grip stuff especially pen.
had my physiotherapy and i was lucky for didn't have to go for surgery.

started when my mum find out that i'm quite good at massaging and stuff.
so kept on massaging her and she'll pissed off when i refused.
even told others bout it
and each time they came,
they definitely asked me to massage them.

pressure start to develope at my median wrist nerve due to several massaging session.
and it get worsen
when i had to write bunch of note during my study.

well,
carpal turner syndrome symptoms are,

numbness on your palm and one or two fingers.
pressure pain at wrist and extend to elbow.
inability to grip stuff.
tingling.

and now,
i think the disease
start to haunt me back.
as i am suffering from all those symptoms this past few days.

its hurt.
and definitely didn't want to go for surgery.
doctor scare the hell outta of me!

*sigh.

" Distance "

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

And I will make sure
to keep my distance
Say, "I love you,"
and you're not listening

And how long
can we keep this up, up, up?

Please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what
you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you'll understand

And I will make sure
to keep my distance
Say, "I love you,"
when you're not listening

And how long
can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting
For you to take me
You keep waiting
To save what we have

So I'll make sure
to keep my distance
Say, "I love you,"
and you're not listening

And how long
can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure
to keep my distance
Say, "I love you,"
when you're not listening

How long
'til we call this love, love, love?

Empty Hole

dua tiga hari ni..
aku rasa kosong..
empty body with no living soul on the inside.

something missing inside of me.

i do smile and laugh.
and it was a mask that i have to put on in front of others.
my defense shield.

at times,
i just want to go away.
somewhere far enough
where no one could ever find me and break me to pieces.

sometimes,
i just want to cry my heart out and ease this cut.
to stop my heart from bleeding and aching for i couldn't live with this pain for another day.

there's time,
i just want to scream and scream.
so that world will now,
how much pain i had to carry in my fragile little heart.
and its killing me.
eating my soul.
causing me to lead a slow and dreadful death path.

this mask.
this smiling face.
it won't last.
it started to crack.

the tears,
they has found their way out.
showing my weakness to others.
exposing my deformed and vulnerable soul.

walking on pieces of shattered glass.

cuts me deeper and deeper.

Chosen Path

my life wasn't the life i choose to live in.
my path has been set up by my mom.

how i need to behave
how to talk to others
how to dress up
and
choosing my lifetime job,
as a nurse.

its not an easy life
and yes it is complicated to live life day by day doing something that been decide by other without caring how suffer you'll be.

but then,
i manage to embrace my fate.
my destiny.

and yes,
my patient do love me.
and it give me a hell of pleasure to help them and see their beautiful smiles.

they call me
"the humming nurse"
due to my humming habit each time i did my documentation or when walking or serving medication.

even canteen aunties recognise me for wearing varies colour of contact lens and constantly give me discount!

and yes,
lecturers know me due to my neat way of performing dressing procedure.
bandage
preparation of trolley
and way i clean wound and cuts.

and now,
i miss my patients
my used to be colleagues
hanging out with them at the end of the day
laughing and joke around in ward especially during night duty.

i miss being a nurse.

never occur to me to feel this feeling. this longing.

" Kiss Me "

Settle down with me
Cover me up
Cuddle me in
Lie down with me

And hold me in your arms
And your heart's
against my chest,
your lips pressed to my neck
I'm falling for your eyes,
but they don't know me yet

And with a feeling I'll forget,
I'm in love now
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved

This feels like falling in love
Falling in love
We're falling in love

Settle down with me
And I'll be your safety
You'll be my lady

I was made
to keep your body warm
But I'm cold as the wind blows
so hold me in your arms

Oh no

My heart's against your chest,
your lips pressed to my neck
I'm falling for your eyes,
but they don't know me yet

And with this feeling I'll forget,
I'm in love now
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved

This feels like falling in love
Falling in love
We're falling in love

Yeah

I've been feeling everything
From hate to love
From love to lust
From lust to truth

I guess that's how I know you

So I hold you close
to help you give it up

So kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved

This feels like falling in love
Falling in love
We're falling in love

Kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved

This feels like falling in love
Falling in love
We're falling in love

search for life

I was an innocent child.

who believed He had all the answers.

I was superficial.

searching for all the wrong things that I thought would bring happiness.

Everyone wanted a piece
of what I believed was really me. All they really wanted was to benefit from the person I blindly thought myself to be.

When I realized
my own delusion of myself,
and who I am,
I began to change
into the person I truly am,
the person I want to be,
the person I've always been.

but couldn't see through the eyes of my own unawareness.

Confused.

I sought a way to make sense of my confusion, my pain.

Desperately.

I clung to anything
to help confirm who I am.

I wanted all this pain to be just in my mind, not real.

Am I the me I think I am?

I don't have that internal
strength I need.

I'm jealous of blissful ignorance.
It is better to not have to deal with my demons.

And this is so hard to come to terms with

- who I thought I was versus who I really am.

Did I lose myself?

I can lose myself so easily.

All it takes is a crutch to ease this pain.

This pain is endless,
my safety exists only when I'm alone in my safe place.

I enable my self-pity.

But can't ignore it forever.

I know that I can't forever hide,
but the temptation is so inviting to forget the pain away.

The pain always creeps back in.
It ruins everything I know isn't,
but want to believe, is true.

I try to forget,
so many ways,
any way to make me believe
I am masking my hurt away,
using a pleasant veil so maybe they will believe.

then maybe I can, too.

Am I the me I think I am?

I don't have the strength
to fight it anymore.

I'm aware,
but the awareness is so painful.

But maybe I can just lose myself, one more temporarily gratifying time.

All it takes is a crutch to ease this pain.

" Unintended "

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended

You could be the one
I'll always love

You could be the one who listens
to my deepest inquisitions

You could be the one
I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy
mending broken
pieces of the life I had before

First there was
the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended

You should be the one
I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life I had before

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life I had before

Before you

" Everytime "

Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby

And everytime
I see you in my dreams
I see your face,
it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear

What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby

And everytime
I see you in my dreams
I see your face,
you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby

And everytime
I see you in my dreams
I see your face,
you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

Ghost I Used To Be

dulu,
insan bertuah je yang dapat tengok airmata aku.

tapi kini,
airmata ni,
aku rasakan terlalu murah harganya..

terlalu mudah untuk menitis walau hanya menitipkan kata rindu..

aku..
aku jadi fragile..
vulnerable not on the inside
but on the outside..

aku..
bukan lagi gadis yang kuat..
yang jatuh tapi tersenyum..
yang terluka tapi tertawa..

aku..
gadis yang lemah..
selemahnya..
tersedu bila disentuh
menitis tika diherdik..
jatuh saat ditiup..

kenapa?
aku tak boleh berterusan begini.
aku tak mampu!
aku tak mampu handle kesakitan demi kesakitan.
hati ni..
takkan mampu bertahan andai diasak luka demi luka..

walang hati tiada berlagu
pilu berkait dipuing jiwa
pada siapa harus ku adu
akan resah merintih duka..

Entitled ..

miss my cats.
a lot.

miss taking care of them.

rindu nak peluk.

rindu their eyes bila
dorang tengok aku menangis.

rindu jahitkan bundle of bantal peluk for them.

rindu bangun pukul5pg semata2 nak suapkan susu pada babies
and lap dorang dengan baby wipes.

rindu pada kehangatan dorang,
kemanjaan dorang tiap2 malam sebelum tidur.

rindu pada how they wake me up tiap2 pagi.

rindu shopping for their toys every end of week.

rindu mandikan dorang and dorang merajuk coz aku basahkan dorang.

the only life form who truly care and love me in their own way.

the only who stay and comfort me though they can't talk when i cried.

i miss to be loved.
a sincere love.

i miss to have someone who lend me their shoulder whenever i need to.

i just need..
a hand to hold on forever.
a relationship that will last eternity.
a soul my soulmate.
a man i called mine.

guess,
i'm not in lucky list.
to have someone to love me.

am in the forever alone list.

I C I N G

icing.
mama rindukan icing.
harap sangat icing ada.
supaya mama boleh peluk icing.
menanges dengan icing macam dulu.
mama sakit sayang
sakit sangat..
mama tak ada sesiapa..
mama sorang2..
mama ada awak seorang..
tapi awak pun tinggalkan mama..
kenapa..
awak pun dah tak sayangkan mama yea?
icing dah bosan melayan airmata mama?
ya Allah..
sakitnya sayang..
mama nak bernafas pun sakit sayang..
mama harap..
betul2 harap mama takkan sedar dari tidur malam ni sayang..
tolong mama yea sayang..
pujuk Tuhan supaya cabut nyawa mama malam ni..
mama tak sanggup lagi..
ya Allah..
tolonglah..
aku sakit..

Tiga Hari Tiga Kali

kali ketiga
berbuka dengan airmata.
tak ada selera langsung nak makan.
cuma berkurung dalam bilik,
tidur tidur and tidur.
air kosong jadi pengalas perut.
sampai bila?
aku tak tahu.
aku cuma nak tidur,
lupakan kesakitan ni.
aku harap aku takkan sedar.
aku tak sanggup hadapi realiti.
hidup dalam realiti.
aku rela tidur.
hidup dalam mimpi indah.
aku taknak ia berakhir.
dan malam ni,
hingga saat ini aku masih
berkurung.
aku taknak dorg melihat
sembap mataku.
rawan diwajah hodohku.

selama ni aku refuse to believe.
apa yang mak aku cakapkan.
tapi turn out,
semua betul.
aku memang tak guna.
tak layak disayangi.
sesiapa pun akan malu dengan perangai aku attitude aku.
aku cuma piece of shit.
dalam loji kumbahan.
tak ada yang menarik atau istimewa.
selama ni aku pelik,
kenapa tak ada yang sayangkan aku and aku blame mereka sebab tak faham aku tapi rupanya aku!
aku ni sampah.
budak perempuan yang hodoh and sial.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.
aku tak guna.

kau betina sial amalia!
baik kau mampus!
hidup kau cuma menyakitkan hati orang!

semua nightmare aku jadi kenyataan.

dua hari aku jadi gila.
hidup dalam dilema.
aku takut dengan kata maki hamun dia.
dua hari aku cuba kuatkan hati untuk terima kemarahan dia.
tapi rupanya aku silap.
hati aku remuk sama sekali.
betullah kata dia,
aku memang pathetic loser.
aku memang worthless.
aku memang tak guna.

urgh..
tak tahu apa harus ditulis!
hati aku berdarah.
aku hilang kata2.
kosong.

Gadis yang cacat

aku gadis yang cacat
punya mata namun buta
seindah pelangi
tak terlihat.
kabur oleh kelam silamku.

aku gadis yang cacat
hilang senyumnya
pudar tawanya.
lupa akan indahnya kebahagiaan.
kosong dan kecil diruang dunia.

aku gadis yang cacat
tanganku wujud namun tiada berdaya.
pegang ku gagal dipegang ku patah.
terikat utuh pada batu kenangan.

aku gadis yang cacat
kaki melangkah pada setempat.
cuba berlari namun terpaksi.
berdiri melihat pergi segala.
walang aku seorang diri.

aku..
gadis yang cacat..
ada hatinya namun lumpuh segala.
bisa merasa namun sukar menyata.
penuh berparut malah luka berdarah.
kaca sembilu saling bertaut..

aku..
gadis yang cacat..
sempurna zahirnya
punah pada batilnya..
mata tak terlihat tangan tak terasa
malah jauh untuk memahami..

i am worthless.

piece of shit.

a pathetic loser.

migraine attack.
abdo pain.
again.

am going to need my pain killer.

good night guys.

Despair

he touched my heart
when he told me
i'm not worthless..

make me cry
when he told me
i have him
each time i feel suicidal..

ask me to trust him
for he'll never leave me
no matter what happened..

and i did.

now..
i'm no longer his friend
meant nothing.
just an after memory.

every passing second,
i kept reading our text.
night that we shared together.
tears and laughter.

god knows,
how much i wanted to text him.
to told him,
i miss my bestie..
a lot..

but am afraid.
afraid of his rage.
his resentment toward me.
am terrified with the truth
that he hated me
and might scold me
if i text him..

i tried
and tried.
put myself up
and I've ended in this..
pitch black hole..
a throbbing pain..

he did hate me.

A Girl Grow Up Too Fast

The sun shines through
even the darkest of weather

Everything seems like it will last forever.
What such an exciting endeavour?
The days seem so great
Is this really it,
or will it end in our fate
Is the happiness just a brief kiss?
Here for one moment then consumed by hate.
Here for the next moment
that beautiful state
Then it will all be amiss
For it had gone
all that beautiful bliss.

Where did it go?
It will be buried and will never again show
There once was a little girl
who grew up too fast
There was a shadow
over her life that was cast.
For she had witnessed a bad fight

It took her innocence
and gave her quite a fright.
For now there's a girl
who lost her way
And couldn’t find anyone to play.

She lost her cheerful smile
And it remained gone for a very long while
Where did it go?
It will be buried
and will never again show

She was feeling weak
For it was looking bleak.
She felt so alone
Like a pebble floating
through water
Like it was just thrown
Ready for its slaughter

She looked up frowning
But saw nothing but drowning
She continued to grow
But she would never let her emotions out to show

Her teen years
continued to be hard
She always kept up her guard
She buried her unhappy feeling
And it only went out of control wheeling
She didn’t know
how to control it
Not even
just the smallest of bit

She just couldn’t cope
She was starting to lose her hope
Her heart was filled with pain
And yet she had nothing to gain.
Her lungs felt tight
But her body continued to fight.
What if she cut her wrist?
Would it feel like she’d exist?

So she tried something bad
But even just that small cut
made her a little bit glad
She knew it was wrong
But it made her feel
so much more strong
But it continued
to leave so many scars
And she was hidden
behind those dark bars
She was heading down
a damaging path
And it’s all spinning by her fast

She was broken
But I guess
we all have those words
that can't be spoken

Who could she tell?
Where could she yell?
But she guessed
her only option was to continue living on in her cell
She will have to hide
behind her inner wall
Would she ever give that call?
She grabbed on
Before she was gone
She grabbed hold of that earth
For all its worth
She must never let go
It must be so
For people must never know
Maybe one day
she won't have
to continue on with this con

For one day,
it will all be gone

by Winter Grace.

A Voice Of Blood

they ask me
why I cut myself
Say I'm crazy
and that I need help

Do you do this to be seen?
Hell no!
I do this instead of scream.

I can't scream,
but have to get it out

So when I cut
my arm becomes my mouth.

The blood is the words that never will be spoken .

The pain is the heart that never can be unbroken .

The scar is the reminder of that I deserve to be dead .

And the cutting again
is for the tears i couln't shead .

It's a circle, it goes around
A drop of red scream
without a sound.

A helpless soul that can't be saved
A lonely girl,
sad and afraid..

They keep asking
why I cut myself
I'm going crazy!

poem by O.G Loko

Unconscious

since the day

i decided to let him go.

rescuing my heart from been broken for he has fall for her.

i spend most of my time by sleeping.
sleeping.
sleeping.
and after what had happened
just now,
i hope I'll never awake.

felt so empty inside.

I've lost my midnight sun.

my silver lining.

i can't go back and text him.

after knowing that he love her.

while i barely able to stand,
and fight my feeling off.

i just can't.

the girl assume he has new bestie and decided to leave him.

little did she know,
what he feel towards her.

and how lucky she was,
to have someone loving her as much as he did.

as for me,
i apologize for something i didn't do to someone that i hated heartedly.

i wish he'll break every pieces of my heart till nothing left to be told to be feel.

happiness and love are for a perfect girl.
a beautiful one.
not for some ugly deformed girl.

Re Post

found few entry in my draft.

the pengkid one and the mentally abused article.

tried to replenished it.

the lines are too stupid.

shows how silly i am back then.

can't elaborate much on certain topic.

limited English vocabulary.

well,
sadly i can't fixed it.
become haywire.
so just gonna let it stay the way it was.

Tempestuous Bitch

rasa bersalah.
betapa kami menyusahkan semua orang.

just want to go away.
and stop messing other people life around.

her temper caused damage not only to me but also to person who surround us.

told her,
to taper down.
to stop expecting other to listen to her.
to stop wanting other to do thing in her way.

didn't she realise?
the reason why family refuse to help us in the first place.

her attitude her whining
her complaining her temper.
create a distance not just with her family but also with me,
her flesh and blood.

just argued with so called bibik.
shouting and yelling.
its not a good scenario for growing up kid.
i know what its like,
to live in those kind of house,
those kind of situation.
mutilated on the inside
and no one bother to know about it.

so stressed up.
things are falling apart.
with my nose bleed constantly
and am running out of pain killer.

kill me please..
for i couldn't handle,
endure this so much pain throbbing my heart out.

my life is a living nightmare.

just when i thought my life was coming all together,
i realized it was just starting to fall apart..

Suicidal Temptation

its will remain a secret.
the reason behind all this self harming act i pull out.
few knew.
but none understand.

its not suiciding but self harming.
there's significant different.

but then,
i do planned my death.
a long agony death by corrupting my organs.
hepar and renal.
its a time consuming plan though i think i can feel the effect now.
am in constant pain.
even shiver and had to digest a high dose of pain killer to ease the pain down.

last night was the worst.
the pain was unbearable.
i had to..
digest a total of few hundred mg's of tramal and left me to sleep for an entire day.

but..
no one knows.
the actual pain I've suffering from this past few month.
and some do know the virtual pain that caused this immature act.

it all started 14years back.
when i was 8years old.
am to scared to be beaten of by my grandmother,
I've decided to use knife to kill myself up if they tried to beat me again.
since then,
the blade remain with me.
as a reminder on how and why i started all this crap.

few years later.
i learn to consume drug.
any drug that i could lay my hand on.
well,
panadol mostly.
even digest two bottles consist of 100pills of panadol when i was 15 due to someone dear to my heart,
my mum.
i was lucky.
didn't suffered from any panadol overdose effect.
i lived to see the day!

few month passed.
i almost killed myself by giving the blade to my mum and ask her to stab me for i can no longer endure the pain she caused.
but she's wrongly interpret my act and accusing me attempting to kill her instead.
*sigh..

and,
with my enrollment in medical school.
I've learn how certain drug can kill and corrupt our vital organ if we wrongly consume it in higher dose at once.
so,
there goes my journey.
digesting numerous drug again and again.
tapering up the dose.
higher and higher each time.
with one goal,

corrupted organ = death.

years passed.

14years since i attempting to self killing my organ and it started to affect.
early this year,
i felt the most agonizing pain.
tremble and shiver.
barely can move and had to depend on high dose of tramal for two weeks till the pain ease down and leaving a numb pain on my left waist and my right abdomen.
each time i breathe,
i can feel a bump.
a huge one.
pressing my hepar.
i knew.
my plan.
I've reached my goal.
my lifetime dream.

oh god.
strayed away from topic I've mentioned earlier.

i barely remember when did i first slit my arm.
one thing for sure,
i received 3stiches on my right wrist as i slit slight deeper than i usually did.

slit was never my means to end my life.
too messy and yes,
I've chosen my way to die didn't i?

slit is just my way to have fun.
to enjoy life as i feel alive when i see the blood and feel the pain.
the deeper the blade goes,
the happier i am.
it ease away the virtual pain i'm suffering from.
and yes,
when the pain decided to make their way back,
i have to slit again.
and again .
and again.
the pain content me.
place me..
in this feeling i couldn't describe.
serenity place that i couldn't found in real life.
the pain complete me.
my soulmate.

am aware.
how broken i am.
to love the pain.
to love the blood.
i'm broken on the inside.
mentally and spiritually damaged.

i know,
I've suffer from compulsive obsessive disorder.

a sign that i'm crazy.

yes,am going nut.
but i care less.

no one felt the chain I've been chained on my entire life.
deformed soul.
and it hit me hard when nobody couldn't see how broken i am.
how deformed i am on the inside.
not even my so called dearest friend..

My Soulmate

started to read suicidal poems again.

not that i want suicide or self harm.

well,maybe just a small slit will pleased me. content me.

its not because of him.

i used to have him.

to spend my time on.

but now,
have enormous free hour that i didn't know where to spend at.

so,
I've been reading those suicidal notes.
self harming blog.

slitting and bleeding.
they're..
part of my condemned soul.

the pain itself,
brings me joy.
self satisfied.

i feel alive when the blade wounded my skin.

no one would understand.

not even him.

the happiness that come through slit and blood.

i still want to live.

breathing in this corrupted world.

but i need to see the blood.

to feel the pain.

its part of me. my soul.

the pain were my personal kind of drug.

am addicted to it.

my happy world.

the pain..
hold me and comfort me.

the blood..
warm me and wash away my despair.

how can i leave them?

the only place,
i know i won't be devastated little girl.

the only place i want to live in.

Soulless Figure

leaving everything behind.

set up for a new path.

far away from everyone i know.

won't accept shah alam job offer.

just want to go as far as i could.

forget all those tormented memoirs that haunt me each passing second.

there's no definition of love and happiness.

as i couldn't..
no longer know how its like to love.. and to be loved..

a girl.. broken and empty..
no one to care for and no where to go to..

I'll go where my destiny shall lead me.
do whatever and attempt to at least be happy.

a body with no soul.

a heart with no love.

numb and empty.

he'll be the last.

the one who managed.

and now am sealing.

my broken heart.

for he'll never be mine.

for his love is for somebody else.

for the one,
may you'll always be happy.
with the girl you love though you denying with all your will.

she's lucky.
to have you loving her secretly.
to have you wanting her desperately.

broken soul.

empty heart.

Missing Him

dari..
detik itu..
hingga tika ini..
airmata jua menjadi..
teman setia..
jatuh kerna gagal mengubati..
hati yang kian tersayat..
mengingati hancurnya aku..
melihat dia begitu..

kau..
tahukah dikau..
kau memberi turisan..
turisan yang melukakan hati aku yang sememangnya berdarah..
menghadirkan airmata yang tak termampu untuk ku hitungkan
lagi..
kerana kau..
aku lewati jalan denai berduri..
tiap kali kau sakit..
percayalah..
aku lebih terseksa..
tiap kali kau bersedih..
ketahuilah..
betapa aku kecewa..
kerna gagal membuat kau terus tersenyum..

kau..
jua menghadiahi aku segaris senyuman..
secebis kegembiraan yang telah lama hilang dari hidupku..
melapangkan jalan yang ku lewati..
memayungi aku dari hujan yang sering membasahi..

aku..
rindukan kau yang pernah menemani..
rindukan kau yang tertawa gembira..
rindukan -__- yang sering kau lakukan..
malam terasa kosong tanpa
dirimu..
terasa sunyi tanpa tawamu..
namun..
aku sedar..
walau aku cuba..
membuat kau tersenyum..
telah aku cuba..
ubati walang dipuing jiwamu..
membasuh darah yang mengotori tiap relung hatimu..
namun tetap jua aku gagal..
kerna..
aku tak bererti dalam hidupmu..
hilang aku namun ramai yang memenuhi kekosongan itu..
bukan sesiapa untukmu..

fahamilah..
jiwa aku hancur melihat hatimu kesakitan..
sedangkan insan yang menyakitimu gembira tanpa penyesalan..
hati aku tersiat..
melihat kau meratapi dia yang tidak lagi wujud dalam hidupmu..

semoga kau senantiasa bahagia..

aku yang tak bererti padamu..

" Warkah - Bau "

Takkan lagi aku menunggu
Kau hadir di dalam
mimpi-mimpiku
Puasku mengharapkan dirimu
Seperti mereka yang punya cinta

Diriku tanpa dirimu
kau tempuhi penuh bahagia
Diriku mahu kau tahu
Pedih ini kau tak terasa

Warkahku mengharapkan dirimu
Seperti yang aku kenali dulu
Setiaku menantikan dirimu
Seperti setianya terhadap diriku

Tapiku melepaskan mu
Melangkah namun tak berdaya
Terusku terus menunggu
Cinta yang takkan pernah ada..

Untold Story

Did you know
The more
I try to get away from you,
With the fear of falling in love..
The closer..
You get into my heart..
And..
I fall for you..
More..
And more..
Every passing second..
And now,
My heart is killing me..
Forcing me to text you..
To comfort you..
To make you feel better..
I wish i could hold you..
Whisper to you..
That everything going to be fine..
And i'm here..
For you and always will..
I'm here for you to scold..
To stab.. To hurt me as much as you want to..
I just want you to smile..
To forget all those agony..
Why can't you..
Try at least..
To let go all of her memoirs..
Memoirs that killing you..
Hurting you..
Why can't you understand..
I'm broken..
Torn apart..
Each time you told me all your resentment toward her..
How you suffered..
Why can't you see..
I cry for you..
Cry for i feel how shattered your heart was..
Cry for seeing how fragile your are..

And here I am..
Afraid of losing you..
But..
Why am I afraid..
To lose you..
When you not even mine..

Tonight..
I had to..

I..
I have to let you go..
I need to..

The Urge

left my knife back home .

i can't think .

i just want to see
blood running freely .

i want to feel the pain .

i want to feel the sharp blade on my skin .

i want to see blood!
i need to see it!!

Bibik Wannabe

aku rasa
aku lulus exam dan praktikal sebagai bibik dengan jayanya.
cemmmeeerlang!!

basuh pinggan
mop lantai
memasak
tenyeh bontot periuk sampai ang boleh telek muka ang
susun barang2 dlm kabinet
apatah lagi yg aku dok buat dari pagi tadi.

aku usha si juling natashit aka
si rahgemok tu,
landing baik je atas lantai
dah ghupe dugong bunting kena rogol beramai2 dengan ikan jaws.
pergh..
best jugak jadi mem besau neh
keje mengangkang membuta melantak.
memang syok ah!!

goreng ikan sekor pun minyak separuh kuali and guna minyak baru je.
konon nya makanan jadi tak sedap.
yea lah,
kat indon nuh haa
ang anak tauke minyak,
datang malaysia ni sesaje jenjalan,
tambah lemak kat badan.
untung ah jadi kau!

so,
ada sesape nak hire aku jadi bibik tak?
aku boleh basuh kain
angkat kain
lipat kain
tapi satu je tak boleh,
selak kain! hoho

@___@

Rahmah aka Julia Natasya

aku tak tahu nak cakap macam mana.
tentang betina sekor ni.
bukan nak menghina tapi kenyataan.
seriously,
aku tak pernah jumpa betina macam ni.

1. entah macam mana mak dia ajar, basuh pinggan punyalah bising, hempas2 bagai.
apa saja yang dia sentuh,
akan jatuh atau pecah.
and recently,
jam dinding pecah and papan kat dalam peti tu pecah disebabkan sikap sambil lewa dia.

2. pengotor.
basuh pinggan mangkuk sudu senduk mesti ada sisa makanan.
periuk belanga punya bontot pun hitam tak pernah berus.
basuh sayur?lagilah, sampai basi.
lantai?
haram jadah tak pernah mop sampai hitam2 tapak kaki.
rumah tak pernah kemas,
karpet penuh dengan pepijat.
kabinet koloni lipas dok buat rumah, main terjun tiruk kat dalam tu.
bilik dia? tak payah cakaplah..
baju tudung bersepah2
bra pun boleh bantai berselerak atas lantai.
and the worst part is,
ada timbunan gelas cawan pinggan kat bawah katil.
anak dara pukimak apa pun aku tak tahu.

3. tabiat makan.
aku paling pantang orang makan berbunyi,
nak2 lagi perempuan.
annoying sangat2.
dah lah makan berbunyi,
makan pula entahlah
sampai berpinggan2 sekali hadap.
milo nasi bubur air bergas
semua sekali hadap je semua.
orang gaji lain akan tunggu tuan rumah sudah makan baru depa makan tapi betina ni,
dah lah melantak sebedul,
tak bersyukur pulak tu.
kerja hari2 melantak membuta melantak membuta
mana tak kembang macam anak gajah.
lepas tu, ada hati pulak nak kurus.
taik kau!!

4. melawan and angkuh.
kau cakap sepatah betina melawan berpatah2.
kau tegur mulalah betina ni membentak mengamuk.
orang ni semua salah.
semua tak sedap,
semua tak kena.
buat kerja main2.
nak cepat je tahu.

" aku tak mainlah times square ni,barang dia murah2 "

" aku tak makanlah benda2 ni,
tak sedap "

hoi betina,
kalau kau kaya, makanan kat indon nuh sedap2, hidup kau selesa, buat apa kau datang sini.
merempat kat negara orang hah??
kau datang nak jadi orang gaji,
so act like one bitch!
tak payah nak berlagak hebat la weh.
bangsat.
aku nak je pijak2 mulut loji kumbahan kau tu!
sumbat dengan taik!
amboi,sedap je kau mengata mengadu kat " B " babi kau tu kan.
setakat jantan jual gas tu yang kau dok gilakan,dok agungkan,
kau memang tak kenal lagi aku sape lah betina!
dengan babi kau tu sekali aku ganyang!
elok,biar mampus dua2.

kita ni,
biar buruk rupa tapi perangai tu biar elok. x elok banyak pun takpe janji elok sikit.
ni kau,
nama dah buruk,
perangai pun buruk,
muka lagilah,
entah jantan buta mereng biol mana yang tetibe boleh berkenan kat kau!

jangan jadi bangsat sangat.
hidup dengan perangai tak semenggah kau tu.
sedar diri sikit.
kita merempat,
buat cara merempat.
sape yang ambik kau kerja dengan attitude kau macam ni.
jangan malukan spesies perempuan dengan jadi betina.

*sigh

Desperate Measure

desperate time
need desperate measure.

this relationship,
with him.
i need it.
yes,
i don't love him but still i need to bind myself with this so called love.
and i just hope
someday,
i will love him.

this is my only salvation.

oh god,
hold my hand
and guide me..

wake up bitch!

you're nothing.
worthless.

piece of shit.

Deep Inside

oh god..
i can't sum up the word in single line to describe what i feel at this moment.

i..
i.. just miss to have someone..
to hold..
saying all those stupid stuff,
argued but still madly in love with each other.
to kiss and hijacking his shoulder and his back whenever and wherever i want to..
to share everything,
every moment but still didn't suffocate each other.
to have the pleasure of having him in my arm..
someone that belong to me,
all alone.. =___="

love and affection
that last till death do us apart.

do i need to be like other girl?
hypocrite and bitchy.
so I'll have a chance,
chance to be love by someone once again.
because guys can't seem to stand me.
my attitude.
harsh and stubborn.
if i need that change,
how am i going to learn,
to be graceful and soft spoken person?
to bow down whenever people stomp on my face my pride.
to be a decent girl and smile whenever people criticise.
the perfect girl,
that been dreamed by guys night and day.

what make things worst..
i'm at war.
with my own fragile heart.
am losing my heart to darken crack they called love..

oh god..
help me..
numb my heart till i can't feel.
for this love will kill me if i fall for him..
we had a promise and i need,
desperately to kept that.
a promise that bind us together in best friend world.
a promise, a confirmation that you'll always here,by my side.
for i couldn't bear to lose you
to see you walk away and leave me with this broken word..

i do say
i won't but deep inside,
the affection is eating me alive.
tied my vessel with your smile your name.
your my laughter and my joy.
the reason i smile and cry at the same time..

oh god,
i need your help.
hold me and never let me go.
because if you did,
I'll be running across the field till i have him in my arms..
save me from this war
war that i knew i couldn't win.
I'll burn perished.
oh god..
help me..
please help me..

Annoyed

age and education
does play an important role
in shaping person's attitude.
but then,
experience in life also essential to help people develop their conscience.

well,
there's this one girl,
in her nineteenth.
a maid in my uncle's house.
she's so childish.
easily ticked off.
FAT. i mean like really really fat.
lazy and cocky.
as far as i know,
she's the exact blueprint of my mum but in younger version.
i can't understand,
what is in her mind,
how did she see life.
she's too cocky to be told what her mistake was.
too childish to understand real life challenge and bumpy road.
kasar. yes,teramat.
everytime she did house chores,
she make this loud sound as if she's smashing stuff.
and its annoying.

she's different.

she's ..
well ..
she's dumb. stupid.

doesn't even know what " B "
means.
and i literally had to teach her everything.
and what make thing worst,
she hate my mom. a lot!
and i been sucked deep in both of their anger and hatred.
and i dislike both of them.
irritating.
not type of person i like to hang and chat with.

and yeah,
she's jealous of me.
wechatting with my friend.
and even tried to read my message.
and somehow if i didn't chat with him,
she'll ask whether i got into fight with him.
oh for god sake!
so damm stupid.

hello..
you're the one with lover and all those bullshit stuff.
there's no fucking reason for you to feel jealous.
i didn't have anyone to call sayang baby whatsoever.
i didn't have someone to comfort me but i'm contented with my simple plain life.

i hope she stop eating four plates per day.
been drinking all those cold icy and sweet drinks.

The Lost Valentine

I can't remember the time when I wasn't in love with you .

" Ungu - Disini Untukmu "

Seandainya kau tau
Betapa
Ku sangat inginkan dirimu

Seandainya kau tau
Apa yang Ada di dalam isi hatiku

Akankah bisa ku nyatakan rasa cinta dalam hatiku
Dan apakah bisa ku nyatakan
Bahwa kaulah yang terindah Untukku…

Masih disini menantimu
Berharap kau akan memikirkanku
Masih disini menunggumu
Menanti jawapan atas cintaku

Masih disini menantimu
Berharap cinta kita kan bersatu
Masih disini menunggumu
Menanti dirimu kembali

Untuk ku…

*sigh =___="

Silence Moment

Teenager nowadays aren't as the same as in the old days.
they live life with their own will and spend most of their time on gadgets,blog and stuff.
so am i,the young adult.

i love spending cold morning listening to subtle songs and perhaps read my fav book.
start my day with a smile and reminiscence sweetest memoirs of my loved one.

but then,
living with my paranoid mother had make me lead a devastated life.
argument and depressing life that literally kill me every passing second.
everyday,
she will scold and whining how i shut my lips off.
how we had zero conversation day by day.
how cold i am.
troublesome daughter.
less did she knew that i am a warm person.
well,
how can she know??
never bother to get to know me.
she just love making her own conclusion and shut her ears and blind her eyes to see the real me.
i am that person,
who you can share everything anything.
the one who easily attached to.
a person who can talks non stop if the topics intrigued me well.
the open minded person who can accept criticise if its for the good and yes,i do hate "talam dua muka" and suka mengumpat kind of person.
and how lucky i am to have a mother that fulfill all my hate requirements.

when she was younger,
healthier and able to fight and stand alone,
she just shut the door and left me alone to face the world.
to learn how to live and survive in this dark chaotic new planet.
but,
she did opened that damm door to her lovers.
pour her love to all those guys and forget to keep some for her daughter
the forgotten daughter.
and now,
as she's getting older
weak and vulnerable,
she asked me to open my door a pathway to my life.
how can i??
i used to live alone.
living in my own world
where nobody care to hug me.
no one want to kiss me.
and no one there to hold and comfort me when i needed the most.

things will never worked out between me and her.
we're two human being with different mindset and attitude.
different way when seeing and living the life.
i see the beauty in the darkness and gruesome people or situation.
and she sees the negative side even in the most beautiful moment.
and here we are,
somehow we share the same blood.
the same dna.
bind in this meaningless mother and daughter relationship.
and i can't even say us or we to describe you and i.
awak terlalu asing bagi saya.
*sigh..

i miss those silence moments.
where it just me in my happy place.
no one there to scream and shout.
to kill me with words and stuff.

i miss to be alone.
to do whatever i love.
to live my life at my own will no matter how pathetic it was.
to lay back and see where life will take me without worrying that i didn't have any wealth like others did.
where no one there to whine again and again.

missing you..

silence memoirs..

Bitchy Bitch

aku menumpang dirumah makcik untuk ramadhan ni.
mak aku kononnya nak meniaga.

tapi malang nasib aku,
perkara sama jadi pada aku.
dihina.
to make thing worst,
anak angkat makcik aku yang berumur 12tahun tak habis-habis hina aku.

budak ni anak indon,
bela dari kecil tapi tak sedar diri.
mengarah2 , hina orang sesuka hati dia.
kecil2 dah perangai macam ni,
dah besar nanti,
tak tahulah aku apa akan jadi.
agaknya dia pijak kepala orang tua.

baru tadi dia salahkan aku sebab ikan dia habis.
padahal bibik dia yang licinkan.
aku masih terasa,
dengan kata2 dia kelmarin yang semua yang aku guna ni duit dia.
termasuk hari ni,
dah tiga hari aku tak makan,
tak bersahur and berbuka.

aku ego.
aku pantang orang mengungkit tentang duit.
dan nasib dia baik sebab dia budak.
kalau tak memang makan penampar free2.
aku pantang jumpa betina macam ni, memang silaplah.

urghhh!!
sakitnya hati!

Big Fat Ego

I've met lots and lots of manusia yang ego and tak boleh terima teguran .
they easily tick off if we try to amend their mistakes .

well ,
I've known this someone .
drown in ego and
" everything i did were right
and perfect " sea .

aku tak tahu macam mana
sebesar-besar ego ,
bongkak , angkuh , baran ,
paranoia , sensitif , up tight ,
cerewet and insecure could fit in that fragile old body.
she seems so fragile and weak.
people tend to believe that she's the same weak old woman on the inside.
person who knew her would know how look can mess with our mind.

she's a tempestuous old haggard.

nobody dare to say a word to her.
to amend her mistake or even try to change her attitude.
they just listened to her complaint and shut their fucking mouth out.
if they commented anything,
she'll become this monstrous old haggard and started to shout and scream.
and yes, cry.

due to her insensible act,
family cast us apart and refused to help in any means,
not that i want to.
they said i'm the exact copy blueprint of her temper and psychotic behaviour.
but i am not!!
i tried and keep on trying to become someone different,
someone that doesn't rely on other to get  what i want.
someone who work my ass out to get anything i dream off.
i'm not that someone who complaint when family refused to help, complaint how pathetic our life is.
person that keep on criticise other people and lack of self awareness.
you don't found me hanging around thinking how life could be better if i had money.
texting people how desperately poor i am.
and asking people to give me some money by crying my heart out.

i'm the independent one.
smile when i bleed.
laugh when i'm dying inside.
i work my ass to get whatever i want.
i kept my sorrow inside and had never cry even if sky falls above me.
and i fought defending myself when i need too.

i hate living with her.
to bow on everybody order.
to live life on other people will.
to stay silence when people acted in asshole way.

am the rebellious one.
the hot tempered with asshole attitude.
and i'm just being me.
and don't need other people acknowledgments on how to live my life.

its me all along and nobody in this fucking world could change me.

Taboo

5 perkara pantang :

1. mengungkit tentang duit atau harta benda.

2. manusia tak beradab.

3. manusia suka mengeluh. whining and exaggerate stuff.

4. kejam pada KUCING!

5. PEREMPUAN gedik tak pepasal.

dan hari ni,
dua dari list diatas terjadi pada aku.
Allahuakbar, Tuhan ja yang tahu betapa lukanya hati aku.

Menu berbuka aku?
sekeping coklat and segelas air kosong =___=

p/s :
semua orang nak kawen tapi sebelum kawen make sure korang dah ready terutama dari sudut financial.
kalau tak anak korang jadi mcm aku lah. merempat sana sini.
kena hina.

Typical Malay .

aku banyak belajar dari orang sekeliling aku .
dan aku kesal dengan sikap kebanyakkan manusia .

aku tak faham .

1. kenapa perlu salahkan orang lain sedangkan kita pun harus dipersalahkan .
tak boleh ke kita tengok diri sendiri dulu sebelum menuding jari pada orang lain??
mengaku bersalah tak hina pun tapi ia akan buat kita lebih kuat untuk terima hakikat dan bukan berselindung disebalik penipuan indah .

aku seorang yang santai .
cukup tak suka bebankan otak dengan masalah2 remeh ,
menyusahkan orang dengan benda kecil .
live life and we'll see what happen next .

2. for example, cara potong telur dadar .
petak ke berbucu ke, it's not a big deal bagi aku .
masuk perut jadi taik juga and definitely lah taik tu takkan bersegi2 .
do you know what i mean??
simplest stuff jadi benda besar ,
masalah besar .
yes , kita kena meticulous tapi don't burden ourselves with stupid issues .

endless complaints .

3. sakit lah , tak ada duit lah ,
tak ada tu lah , tak boleh ni lah .
MERUNGUT MERUNGUT MERUNGUT!!
kau tahu tak benda ni yang paling merimaskan aku .
fucked up .
sakit makan ubat .
tak ada duit cari .
semua mesti ada penyelesaian tapi atas diri sendirilah, nak ke taknak .
semua orang tak ada duit tapi jangan jadi pathetic loser bagitahu semua orang . whining how miskin you are .
have some self respect bitch!!
tak kaya tak apa, jangan maruah pun kau pijak2 semata-mata nak meraih simpati orang .

FYI,
aku sentiasa sakit .
migrain tonsil flu tummy pain
tapi aku buat tak tahu .
lagi dilayan lagi sakit .
psychology tricks tahu??
aku relax tak bermakna aku tak fikir tentang hidup kita yang fucked up ni tapi aku pilih untuk fikir dengan otak bukan dengan mulut .
berdiri atas kaki sendiri and tak bergantung harap pada orang .
berusaha untuk ubah hidup coz orang lain takkan ubahkan untuk kita . mereka dengar kau whining tapi pernah terlintas tak apa pandangan mereka pada kau??
betapa meluat dan rimasnya mereka dengan kau .

setting up priorities and self  centered at times .

4. aku nak buat ni aku nak buat tu .
macam mana ni .
pastu mulalah kau marah2 sebab otak penuh dengan benda2 bodoh.
decide whats important and put the rest behind or in your to do list.
kenapa suka pening2 kepala??
and one more thing yang aku cukup2 menyampah .
suka ambil port tentang pandangan orang pada kita .
kita ada conscience kan??
do whatever you feel right and don't whichever you feel wrong .
orang nak fikir apa pun ,
gasaklah! apa ada hal?!
tak mati lah weh .
they didn't live our life .
sampai bila nak maju kalau asyik fikir pandangan orang .
manusia, biasalah, semua salah semua tak kena.
mulut logi kumbahan semuanya.
kalau ambil port, memang sampai mati lah kau ditakuk lama.

to be continue!!

p/s ;
banyak lagi aku tak puas hati tapi next entry lah .
muntah hijau pula hangpa nanti .
aku pun berpinau mata dah .

Tears Never Fade

sepanjang aku hidup,
tak pernah seorang pun yang cakap baik dgn aku.
tiap2 hari hanya maki hamun jadi habuan aku.
dan hari ni,
aku terluka dengan sikap mak aku.
terkilan dengan kononnya kawan baik tapi tak boleh contact.

ya Allah,
aku tak pernah terniat
nak suka kat kau.
aku tak pernah terfikir
nak jatuh hati,
nak perhatian dan kasih sayang kau.
aku cuma nak lihat kau tersenyum.
inside and out.
tak lebih tak kurang.

sampai sekarang,
setiap hari aku akan lipat satu bintang ,
tanda harapan aku pada kau,
harapan semoga kau temui kebahagiaan.

luka lama bila dia cakap aku hina lagi dari pelacur pun masih belum sembuh dan sekarang,
dia cakap aku attention seeker walhal tak pernah terniat pun tarik perhatian sesiapa.

you heal my wound
you make me smile
you gave me rainbow
beautiful and colourful.

and now..

you slit my heart with painful knife
you make me shed tears and suffocated me .

the wound is deeper
the pain is greater.

i wish on the sky and the stars
how i wish someone know me .
the real me .
truth behind this devil broken girl.
and he will show me the truth the path gently .
for i had enough being hurt by all soul that surrounded me .

Dygta - Kesepian

Kurindu disayangi
Sepenuh hati
Sedalam cintaku
Setulus hatiku

Kuingin memiliki
Kekasih hati
Tanpa air mata
Tanpa kesalahan

Bukan cinta yang melukai diriku
Dan meninggalkan hidupku..
lagi..

Tolonglah aku
dari kehampaan ini
Selamatkan cintaku
dari hancurnya hatiku

Hempaskan kesendirian yang tak pernah berakhir..

Bebaskan aku dari keadaan ini
Sempurnakan hidupku dari rapuhnya jiwaku..

Adakah seseorang yang melepaskanku
Dari kesepian ini..

Adakah seseorang yang melepaskanku
Dari kesepian ini

Kesepian ini..

Cinta

aku sentiasa jatuh cinta .
jatuh cinta pada senyuman,
lagu,puisi, dan gelak tawa tapi bukan sepenuhnya pada seseorang.

walaupun aku sering terjatuh terluka namun aku tak pernah berhenti percaya pada rasa ini.

aku cuma mahu seseorang yang mencintai aku sebagaimana aku mencintai dia.
yang tak akan tinggalkan aku kerana aku takkan pernah tinggalkan dia.
namun,
cinta adalah benda termahal,mewah terutama dalam dunia materialistik.
aku cuma gadis miskin yang takkan ada siapa sanggup memandang.

ada yang berkata,
ingin yang jujur tapi di akhirnya,
yang indah rupa tetap dipilih.
hakikat betapa hipokritnya manusia kini.

semua,
ingin pasangan yang punya rupa,
harta,pangkat..
a perfect package.
dan andai ditinggal kekasih pilihan hati,
mulalah menyalah semua perempuan,semua lelaki.

grow up guys.
kau yang pilih.
kononnya terbaik dan andai kau nampak semua keindahan pasti mata lain jua mampu melihat dan akal mula bertekad untuk memiliki.

berhenti menunding jari pada orang sedangkan keputusan dipenghujung hari berpunca dari pilihan sendiri.

once said,
love is a soul recognition of each other.
you felt when you've met your other half.
a counterpoint when two hearts become one soul and nothing else matter no more.

its essential to love when you feel want to not when you're lonely.
choose the best and right reason to be in relationship and with the best person.

at the end of the day,
is not about the perfect person we choose to love but how we complete each other that matters.
not how much we love each other in the beginning but how much love we had at the end.

p/s :
am always waiting for my soulmate.
here and always here for him to come and wash away my pain my tears.

years passed and am losing my faith.
the love concept doesn't sound right anymore.
and my fragile heart shattered crumble till ain't no more left.
to love or to be love.

failed to love like i used to.
am started to feel comfortable living alone.
its hurt its a lonely world,
anyhow,when the day come to end,
I'll survive..
I hope..

love wasn't meant for poor girl like me .
one who have none apart from worn out heart and a broken soul and it need a whole lot of courage to fix it up.
and no one wanted this enormous pathetic time consuming responsibility.

makin lama makin serabut.
aku makin gila.
rasa nak hentak kepala sampai pecah disebabkan migrain tak berhenti menyerang.

aku nak mampus!
my one and only wish.
tolonglah..

Away

i wanted to go somewhere.
far enough from this agony world.

so far away from all this tormented feeling of mine.

to be in a world where there's only me and me alone.
so there will be no one bold enough to bleed me out.

i just want to run away.
save myself from melting with agony.
drown my soul in this devastated moment.
where time stop in most happy memoir.
no tears and certainly no broken heart.

am standing here.
witnessing people hustle.
in their attempt to outrun
themselves .
forgetting essential point
that once matter most.
dearest to their cold ice heart.

drifting away.
as far as i could.
so won't be any blade that set back at my fragile heart.
so there's no one
eating my soul while i see it from afar.

far and away
where nobody could ever found me.
high above where no one could ever reach me and tore me apart.
where none could ever listen to my silent scream when my soul crumble and beat the last .

Shitting Around

Trip from Kelantan to Kuala Lumpur are the worst trip ever.
It took about ten hours and when you in a bus with bunch of elderly,
Its not a pleasant trip at all.

The coughing
Alone old women suddenly come and say hi and expect us to chat with them.

Worst for me since I've been using headphone and max the volume,
I couldn't hear when she say anything.
And she making this bitch face as a returned for my silenced.

I mean,
Come on.
We in here are not to make friends or something.
Just shut up and sleep.
Or do something and stop bothering others.

Oh yes.
There's this old weird guy.
Act like he owned the bus.
Lowering his seat without concerning other people condition.

Apa,
Dia ingat bas ni bilik ke?
Nak baring selesa macam atas katil.
Otak kau!
Dengan orang lain,
Bolehlah kau palat taik tapi dengan aku,makan taik lah kau.

Kalau dia cuba turunkan seat,
Aku akan tendang takpun tahan dengan kaki and dia macam hairan hahaha
Last2 dia toleh belakang and tengok aku dgn muka paling gampang.
So what?
Aku bukan akan jumpa kau lagi.
And kalau takdir dia jadi mentua,
Aku minta maaf jelah hahaha

Malay,
Especially kelantanese need to learn their manner.
Everything won't happen exactly what you wanted.
Put others into consideration each time you decide to do something.

Kau buat baik,
Orang balaslah baik tapi kalau kau sendiri yang palat taik,
Memang patut pun kau makan taik!

Don't bullshit a bullshitter!!

Kelantanese Point of View

Bukan jadi kacang lupakan kulit .
I wanted to live far from Kelantan .
Raised my kids outside this devastated state .

Its not that I hate Kelantan .
It will always be my hometown but i can't stay here let along spending my whole life here .

Kelantanese people , well ,
Most of them are narrow minded .
Believing in bullshit stuff like shaman and stuff if you know what i mean .

They even got this attitude problem .
Pantang ditegur , cepat sangat melatah .
Apa yang dorang buat semua betul kalau tegur , nanti ambik lah .
Atas muka dorang baling taik .

Kalau ada yang try guna english ,
lagilah kena bahan .

Dorang terlalu tertutup .
Suka menilai . Suka mengumpat merendah2kan orang dan yang paling aku tak tahan ,
Kepercayaan membabi buta pada bomoh dan seangkatan dengan nya.

Bro ,
Alim apa kalau kau tutup aurat tapi berkemban depan jantan hanya kerana dia bomoh .

Bodoh ke bangang ,
Semua benda nak dikaitkan dengan sihir , ilmu hitam .

Mak aku sendiri antara fanatik benda khurafat ni .
Dari aku kecik ,
Kerja dia dok heret aku pergi rumah bomoh .
And yang buat aku mengamuk bila bomoh baghal tu cakap aku dah tak dara sebab main dengan jin.
Gampang .

As a mum ,
Dia patut jaga aku ,
Tolong ajar homework ke apa ke
Tapi tak .
Memalam sibuk kemenyankan minyak puteri lah rambut puteri lah.
Bila aku tegur ,
Dia cakap Tuhan suruh kita usaha so,bomoh ni cara dia berusaha .

Lepas apa yang jadi ,
Lepas cara dia set an example pada aku ,
Dia expect aku nak jadi alim ,
Percayakan Tuhan .
Seriously??

Typical kelantanese.

Oh God .

I mean ,
Macam mana kau nak maju hidup dalam society macam ni??
Apa yang kau nak belajar dari orang macam ni?

Serambi Mekkah, seriously?
Walaupun tanpa cinema , pub ,
karaoke , and few other entertainment that been banned by Nik Aziz ,
Kelantan still penuh dengan gejala maksiat , drugs , ragut , rogol.
Just name it .

And now ,
They're coaxing me .
To stay here .
Find a job and settle down here with some Kelantanese guy .

Hell no bitch .

lelaki kelantan pemalas ,
Kaki perempuan dan pengotor .

Tengok lah anak muda, lelaki tua kelantan ,
Kerja hari2 melepak kat kedai kopi menuding jari tentang isu bodoh .
Dorang selalu tak faham pun tapi komen je lebih .

Not to mentioned their appearances .

Oh God .

At the end ,
Its not where we live that makes who we are .
Its not where we stay that lead to disgusting and inappropriate attitude .

Sins are always sins and it happen anywhere everywhere .

Its us . Its always been us to choose what kind of human being we want to be .

Mereng aku kalau duduk Kelantan lama2 .

Repulsive Neuro Experience

Human called it brain .
Medical staff stated it as Neuro .

When this essential organ damaged ,
Human might facing various kind off unwanted body control ,
speech , literally everything .

You might suffer from lost of conscious ,
disability to move , to talk ,
you have no control of your bladder and stuff ,
lost of memories , coma ,
and the worst are when doctor confirmed that you in brain death state and its irreversible .

Throughout my practical time in this so called Neuro ward ,
I've been facing bunch of repulsive disgusting cases .

Had to do your practices in government hospital aren't the most pleasant thing to go through .

I still remember ,
I need to change this big fat coma aunty  diapers every 15minutes and the shit look like hot chocolate and its stink!!
I threw up almost every time .
And my waist is killing me .

Apart from the diapers problem ,
There's this procedure ,
Giving milk to unconscious patient through a tube that length from their nasal till gaster every two hours .
And guess what??
Almost half of ward of patient that need to be feed that way .

Well ,
Tortures doesn't end there .

We need to keep our eye on chest tube , drainage tube in brain and skulls , few other mentally breakdown patient , removes stiches and staples after surgery on face and skulls .
Dressing on decubitis ulcer due to prolong pressure on skin .

Oh God .

Its not a pleasant ward to work in .
Disastrous ward and the last department I choose to work in .

Orthopaedic Longing

Orthopaedic are subject that revolved around muscular and skeletal that build up our
structure .

Learn different kind off fractures .
Vital sign to detect Compartment Syndrome or Carpal Turner Syndrome .

Learn how to care for patient if they need to put on POP or traction whether its internal or external .

And the best part are when you get to know various kind off orthopaedic surgeries .
Plating , screw insertion , hip replacements , knee replacements for example .

I was in semester 4 and musculoskeletal are one of the topic that intrigued me well enough to stop me from falling asleep in class .
I had an opposite opinion on  Puan Rohaida tho .

I certainly can see me going to post basic in Orthopaedic subject after I graduated .

I love how muscular intertwined with our structure .
Control our movement and few other major components .

I've even memorized all types of fractures and definitely names of our bones part by part .

And the sweetest memoir are when I got an A for my research on few cases of fractures and score a perfect A in my final exam in this subject .

Oh God .
I miss everything .
Dressing Bandaging Traction

I...
I miss being a nurse ..

Specially For You & Other Bitches Out There

RATIONAL.

Dear Mom,
I’ve been meaning
to talk to you about something
for a while now.

I don’t know how else to start
so let me just cut right to the chase.

I hate so many things about you Mom.
I really do.

I hate the fact that you feel entitled to criticize everyone in your life because they have chosen a different path from you.

I hate your intolerance.

I hate your inability to control your anger.

I hate feeling sorry for you.

I hate it when you do your best to make me feel guilty about the decisions I have made in my life and the kind of person I want to be.

I hate it when you scream and yell things that are intended to hurt me.

I hate your hypocrisy.

All my life, I’ve been walking on eggshells. I’ve been patient.
I’ve swallowed insults.
I’ve apologized unnecessarily in order to assuage your insecurities.

I’ve spoken quietly, even as a crescendo of screams and accusations rained down on me and other people I love.

But no longer.

From now on you will respect my opinions and decisions.

You will talk to me in a calm, rational manner.

You will accept me for who I am.

You will do all of these things or you will lose your only daughter.
..............................................................

IRRATIONAL.

Dear Mom,
Fuck you,
you manipulative, angry bitch!

You think just because you are my mother you are entitled to treat me like shit?

Let me let you in on a little secret you lonely, pathetic excuse for a human being…

you are NOTHING.

Let me repeat that:

YOU. ARE. NOTHING!

The saddest/funniest thing is that you have only yourself to blame.

All your screaming and yelling, all your self-righteous bitterness, all your indignant intolerance has driven away your entire family.
Including your only son.

Tell me.

Does the thought that I wasted my diploma and three years of study and end up working in different shit confuse you?

Does the fact that I no longer give a shit about marriage, status or religion make you go bat shit?

If so, GOOD.

That makes me happy.

I have only one thing left to say to you:

Go fuck yourself.

Fucked Up

I'm a fucking bitch
Living with a motherfucking mom .

Yes i am going to hell .
And its all because of that asshole bitch!!

How fucking stupid can you be?!!

Kau memang tak pernah jaga maruah aku!!
Airmuka aku!!
Bodoh!!

Otak Tuhan bagi kau taruk kat lubang taik!!

Kau langsung tak fikir
Aku ni bogel ke telanjang celaka ke!
Main sedap bodoh ja kau suruh bangla babi masuk dalam rumah!!

Seriously, where the fuck is your common sense??

Are you blind??
Can't you see i'm there??
Wearing nothing but shorts and thin shirt .
WITHOUT BRA AND UNDERWEAR BITCH!!

And here your are
Crying like i did some motherfucking horrible thing .

You're lucky bitch !
Its my stuff its my fan that i broke just now .
I should have break that asshole motherfucking idiotic skull of yours!!
BITCH!!

Oh God!
I never thought your were this dumb!!

I'm going nuts!!
Losing my mind day by day!!
I can't take it anymore!!
You are hell on earth bitch!!

Oh yes ,
That fucking bangla friend of yours.
Are just fucking stupid like you!!

I hide behind those closets ,
I asked not to look
And yes ,
He need to be so asshole to look at me .
Asshole!!

If i ever see you ,
You're dead man fucker!!
I killed you with my own bare hand and castrated that puny disastrous dick!!
FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!!
FUCK YOU!!

And now what
You going to tell everyone what i just did today ??

On what reason bitch??
Oh... as usual..
Your same fucking excuse ,
I got this asshole "saka" and that fucking thing is making me a tempestuous bitch !!

All my rage
All my fucking heinous attitude
Its not "saka" bitch!!
Its you! YOU!!
ITS ALWAYS YOU!!
YOU AND YOUR FUCKING MINDSET!!
YOU AND YOUR ASSHOLE ATTITUDE!!
YOU AND YOUR DIRTY OLD PERVERT HUSBAND!!

KAU!!
KAU!!

I DESERVE BETTER BITCH!!
BETTER MOM!!
NOT FUCKING ASSHOLE MOM!!

I've been taking all the blames.
And you living your life showered with sympathy for all your lies .

Sympathy for having motherfucking asshole daughter!!

I had enough bitch!!

Syurga bawah tapak kaki ibu??
Seriously??
I rather go to HELL!!

FUCK YOU!!

Super Superb Senior

A moment to cherish when we all finally become super senior .

With our bright red pip
(or whatever they spell)
Our batch are the oldest among
others .
We got the power to bullied our
juniors .
Especially the baby one hahaha

Ask them to wash all those shit
Collect urine when shift ended .
Bed bath and all those nasty stuff .
Fucking happy man!

Well ,
For us , super superb senior .
We did all the heavy stuff and that's include being the one who need to pay for our baby junior if they make mistake .

And hell yeah ,
We shoot back !
Even nastier hahaha

Remember this one time ,
Baby junior kena buat prosedur Last Office untuk completekan crossbook .
Kebetulan masa tu ada student dari kolej lain nak buat prosedur sama.

Kebetulan dalam ward ,
Ada lelaki tengah nazak .
Baby junior cuak dah ,
Takut tak dapat sebab kena berebut .
Terpaksalah aku gunakan kuasa pip merah aku untuk rampas prosedur tu dan bagi pada baby junior aku haha
Kuasa veto okay .

Aku harap sangat baby junior aku jadi macam batch aku .
Time kami junior dulu ,
Tak ada senior tolong tapi kami tetap hormat senior .

Kami belajar buat semua .
Kotor jijik macam mana pun ,
Kami tetap buat .
Tak pernah merungut .
Kami siapkan kerja siap kena tinggal dengan bas lagi sebab lambat keluar dari ward .

Tugas senior kena divide tugas pada junior and make sure dorang bukan setakat buat tapi kena sempurna .

Masa tu posting di ward orthopaedic .
Tugas utama kena completekan dressing seramai 30+++ patient .
Tak kiralah ,
Senior ke junior ke ,
Semua kena buat dressing .

So ,
Aku divide lah untuk junior2 ni .
Adalah sorang girl ni ,
Datang kat aku ,
Nak tahu dia cakap apa??
"kak, kami taknak lah buat dressing kat pakcik tu .
Luka dia besar sangat .
Kami tak retilah nak cuci "

Oh God.
Junior zaman sekarang .
Tak reti belajar .
Aku ingat lagi ,
Dressing pertama yang aku buat .
Luka laparatomy yang infected .
Amat2 besar dan aku cuci dekat sejam .
Memanglah tak reti tapi aku minta staffnurse ajarkan .

Even batch aku akan berebut  nak buat dressing luka paling besar.
Nak tahu kenapa?
Makin besar makin susah untuk cuci luka tu ,
Makin banyak kita belajar .
Dan makin hebat teknik kita .

Aku rasa bahagia sangat .
Bila dua clinical instructor aku puji cara aku buat dressing and cara aku buat bandage .
Dorang cakap kemas cantik .
Ingat senang ke nak clinical instructor cakap macam tu?
It took lots and lots of practice .

Juniors ,
Please respect your seniors .
Learn from them .