Stumble. Again.

It has been ten months..
10 full month we've been together as a couple..

Went through series of shits before both of us finally understand each other..
Accept each other flaws and stop hurting each other..

Despite of not believing in love amd marriage..
Both of us has stayed together and still remain madly crazy in love..
And doesn't want to lose one another..

When i first met him..
I really had no idea..
That he would be so important to me someday..
So important up until i willing to endure all this pain as long as he's with me and love me and care for me..

I've met quite number of guys..
And all of them failed to make me crazily in love and make me fall hard like i fall for him..

He's special..
In every way possible..
And i don't even know how to explain to describe on why i fall for him because..
There's no reason to no to..

The way he treated me..
The way he comforted and wipe my tears..
The way he love me..
The way we share our day..

He's not just my boyfriend..
He's my bestfriend who i spend day gossiping and share ideology on life and human..
My human diary and knows me inside out..
My protector who protecting and care for me even though from afar..
My other half.. My soulmate..
He's my everything and my world revolve around him..
My sun and my gravity..

Without him..
I'm lost..
And i can feel that I'm falling down..
Back to muddy pitch black hole..
Place where we first met and place where he had saved me from..

Why is it so difficult..
For us to be together..
For me to have him forever..

Why is it so hard..
For me to hold him in my arms amd never let go..

I've never ask for anything..
I just want him..
I want him to be mine forever..

I don't wanna lose him..

Been trying to hold my tears..
To not cry each time we talk about this..
I want him to be strong and to messed up his mind is the last thing i want to do right now..
But i don't know where or to who to turn too..
To lay out everything and cry..
All this while..
Its him who i turn too each time i need shoulder to cry..
Its him who comfort me whenever I'm crying regardless how petty reason is..

He accept me for who i am and he ignored the fact on how deformed i am inside out..
Never complained though I'm  fat bitch and pain in the ass whore..

I don't even know what to do anymore..
What to think..
All that i know is I'm afraid..
Afraid of losing him..

I love him.. More than anything..
More than my own life..

I love him.

He's going...
Somewhere.. Far..
No affirmations of coming back..
Perhaps years..
Maybe forever..

And I..
Am here.. Waiting for uncertainty..

Been left alone..

Liability

People.
Wouldn't understand how devastated we were.
And how much agony we are in.

People.
Judge.
Say bad and nasty things to us.
For them perceive life according to their mindset without taking our condition into consideration.

I.
Withhold my dignity.
For it's the only thing that i can hold on to prove to the world that I'm worthy and have the same right to live and share this abrupt world no matter how pathetic i am.

I never meant.
To become anybody liability.
Refuse to become anyone liability.
And i choose to suffer instead of begging asking people to help and ease my burden.

I.
Always stand alone.
To stand for my right and live the world with my own mindset instead of following others to please them.

I've been living my whole life with the fact that I'm a nuisance,
A pain in the ass bitch who troubles others who dare to walk in to my life.

I just need someone.somebody.
To prove that my mum was wrong bout me.
Bout the fact that i troubles others.

I just need someone.
Who is there for me and say everything will be okay.

I don't need money.
I don't need anything.
Never ask for any kind of assistance.

I just need assurance.
Affirmation that i deserve to feel proud of who i am.
And deserve to share this world with others though I'm a bitch.

I was hoping for you.
To give me assurance and
Rest assured my worn out soul that i have the same right to live this life as much as others.

But sadly.
I've learned.
That i am a pathetic worthless pain in the ass bitch who troubles others that dare to walk in to my pathetic miscreants life.

Reaching for 23 milestones!!

8th April 1991.

It has been 23years.

23 tahun sejak aku dilahirkan.

Banyak yang terjadi dan adakalanya aku nak lupakan certain memori.
Kesilapan dan jalah salah yang telah ku pilih tika aku meraba mencari erti hidup..

Tiada yang mengerti,
Tiada yang memahami,
Apa yang mereka mampu hanya menilai jua mempersoal..

Ada tikanya..
Aku bingung..
Bingung dalam mencari arah serta jalan yang harus ku lewati..

Segalanya gelap sewalang langit tanpa rembulan..
Lecak dan basah seolah dibasahi hujan seribu tahun..

Percaturan demi percaturan..
Pilihan demi pilihan..
Segalanya membawa padah yang menyakitkan padaku..

Pemilihan nursing sebagai diplomaku..
Perletakan jawatan selepas beberapa bulan ku bekerja..
Penghijrahan ku ke shah alam..
Umra..
Burger king..
Intan..
Elly..
Afifah..
Efa..
Segalanya berjaya mencoret parut abadi didasar hatiku..
Parut yang terlalu menyakitkan dan ku pasti..
Hingga kini ia masih berdarah..

Namun..
Aku bersyukur..
Walaupun selama 22 tahun aku melalui dan menahan segala siksa keseorangan..
Jua lalui hari lahirku tanpa sebarang ingatan..
Tapi kini aku punyai dia..

Dia yang senantiasa melindungiku..
Menyayangiku.. Mencintaiku..
Walau berkali aku lukai hatinya..

Dia yang sentiasa meniupkan semangat tika aku tersungkur..
menyembah dugaan yang tak pernah berhenti menyapaku..

Yang selalu menyayangi dan melindungiku dari dusta dan kelukaan yang insan hadiahkan padaku..

Dan..
Dia yang satu satunya..
Mengingati tarikh ini..
Tanggal ini..
Sedangkan ibuku yang melahirkanku jua melupakan bahawa pada tarikh ini..
Hari ini..
Dia melahirkan seorang khalifah ke dunia.. 23 tahun yang lalu..

Harapanku hanya satu..
Moga dia kekal bersamaku..
Kini dan selamanya..

My bestfriend.. Protector..
A brother.. A father.. Lover..

My Soulmate..

Angel in the dark..

April (^_^)

April..
On 8th..
There's a cute chubby little baby been borned.

*puji diri sendiri pulak dah!!

April is finally here,
Usually setiap tahun tak celebrate pun..
Insignificant date,
Sama je macam hari lain..

Tapi..
Tahun ni..
Buat pertama kali dapat sambut dengan buah hati musyuk asyem!!
Walaupun dia jauh,
Nun seberang laut sana,
Tapi dia sanggup susah payah belikan hadiah utk macik comel disini hehehe..

Walaupun tak semeriah
Tak se'grand' macam orang lain,
Dapat sambut dengan dia pun
its more than enough.

So,
Genaplah 23 tahun..

Alhamdulillah
Dah ada kerja tetap
Gaji pun not so bad lah..
And finally dah ada asb 60,000k
Simpanan untuk masa tua.
By 48years old,
Ada 60,000k dalam tangan.
Okay lah tu kan..

At least ada juga duit untuk bekalan waktu tua nanti..
Tak mengharap pada duit anak2 or susahkan anak2..
Nak berhaji pun cukup lah tu kan..

Syukur dengan rezeki ni..

He helped and guide me through and through..
Tak pernah mengeluh walaupun aku banyak susahkan dia..
Pain in the ass.. :'(

Semoga cinta ini berkekalan hendaknya..

Mr Takoyaki,

Me love you very much hehe..