Dejavu

" Shattered legs may heal in time,
But some betrayals fester and poison the soul. "

It happen. Again.

Why god why..

Why I've been betrayed by people who I confide my darkest secret with.

Its really heart wrenching knowing that both the man i cherished confide with girls that i hated the most.

Ainee. Nina. Roslinda.

I know..
My ex my brother and my so called bestfriend hated my guts for i refuse to play along in this hypocrisy charade.
I refuse to acknowledge the importance of being hypocrite in order to survive this disastrous corrupt world.

I'm the outspoken bitch who speak her mind and there's nothing good will be coming out from this stupid mouth of mine.

I spoke the truth.
And yes,there's no such thing as sweet truth.
It will always be bitter and painful and the receiving end would end up harbouring hate to person who delivers it.

Its true right,
Our loved one would watch us from afar when they're dead?
Watch every step we take and every mistake we did.

So is it wrong for me to say,
He or she will witness everything we did,
Our adultery sins and stuff.
And of course they'll be devastated as we succumbed on the wrong path of life.

Its the truth.

Is it wrong for me to uphold my princip and refuse to bend it?
I willing to be called a freak.
An anomaly as long as i didn't have to be hypocrite like that roslinda bitch.

Yeah..
People will love her.
She's the soft spoken one.
The humble yet demure one.
The one who understand you better.

Open your fucked up eyes!!

She being plain hypocrite.
She pretending to be graceful so she could somehow captured your heart.

You know what.

People like you.
People like her
That got my faith disappear into thin air.

What is the point of praying if both of you end up fucking each other up?
What is the point of posting religious word and reciting al quran but couldn't even control your goddamn lust??

You like that kind of bitch huh?

Pretending to be pious and demure when behind you,she's sending nudes to your best fucking friend.
Having sex with your best fucking friend though she know that he belong to me!!
Seduced him by sending him picture of her boobs and saying that she wanted my fucking boyfriend to touch her boobs and stuff!!

You like that kind of hypocrisy right??

She's your girl right?

Good for you.

Nature Anomaly

" one should rather die than be betrayed.
There is no deceit in death.
It delivers precisely what it has promised.
Betrayal, though..
Betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. "

- Steven Deitz

Real life situation being express in words.

I've come to love this quote as i have now well learn that you aren't suppose to trust others apart from yourself.
They might be there for you.
Listening to every whine problems you may face.
But the saddest part is,
Most people pretend to listen,
And unknowingly they are gathering all those information to judge us with.

I could never understand human.
Well yes I'm a human being too but i couldn't understand their logic for hypocrisy and their judgemental attitude and not to mention their passion in making assumptions and conclusions firsthand and shoved it in that poor person throat and spit it in their face.

Surely,
I judge people too but I'm not that ignorant.
I don't judge people without listening to their argument first.
They deserve to have the right to explain their rationality for every act they pull.

At times,
I do understand that though what they did is not acceptable but then again who am i to say anything bout it.
Its not me who has to face those situations and certainly I'm not in their shoes which it didn't give me a damn right to judge their decisions at that moment.

I did..
Tons of mistake..
I hurt numbers of people who are dear to me heart..
I make stupendous choice of path which lead me to this shit hole called life..

It is my fault for being immature as per say..
It is my mistake for choosing simpler life..
Life without hassles and free from the need of behaving with such hypocrite attitude..

I know its my fault for speak what's on my mind regardless how bad or good they are is and i never let people criticize me nor my decisions because they don't know me well to judge me.

People. Him.
Keep on saying that you need to be hypocrite if you want to survive this cruel world.
And you need to grace them with fake smile in order for you to succeed in life and to be accepted in those cruel corrupt circle of community.
They even say that all those hypocrisy will eat you alive from inside out but at least it endurable tp be compared to social outcast.

I agree to disagree.

Yes,
There's nothing beautiful if you being labeled as social outcast.
It difficult to lead life when all the people hated you guts.
But for me,
I rather being labeled as a social outcast instead of being a hypocrite human being.
Yeah people will hate me,
discard and ignore me but at least i won't have to face the heart wrenching pain that will kill me alive.
I don't have to pretend that i fond of them and by the end of the day,
I beat myself out for it.

Independence for instance.

If non is as bold as Tunku Abd Rahman,
That stood on his ground and work his ass off for Malaysia to be free from British,
We wouldn't be here today.
Living in this cosy country and enjoying freedom that cost hundreds of men blood yet we still act like an ungrateful bitch and bastard we are.

People copy others because they refused to be labeled as freaks,weirdo piece of shit.
They don't even care if they imitate wrong behaviour or choose a wrong path of life as long as they are part of the community since they refuse to stand alone as a freaks.

But i have my own believe.
I have my own princips that even you can't lift me from the ground i stood on.

I choose the path that none ever choose and refuse to follow the path that has trail but i myself create a trail.
My own trail.

Regardless the end product.
I would live happily without any regrets because i know that what i have at the end is the product of my own decisions and i choose it out of my freewill.

This is me.
A freak,nature anomaly.
And I'm proud of who I am.

Sacred Love Making

Today.
I managed to stalk one of the girl that happen to be in both my ex and my brother life.

Roslinda aka Headless Bimbo.

Initially she's in my ex life as an ex as well.
And since my ex is such a man-whore,
They had sex.
No not the real sex sex but through phone kinda sex.
Sending tons of nudes and having sex through text or phone call.

My ex.
Sigh..

He used to tell me how he love when she moaning and it turn him crazy and hard.
And he also said that her body is great and she has all the curve at the right place.

What a good boyfriend he is huh..

And yeah..
He also had sex with her when we're in our very first month of relationship.

What kills me the most is when i learn that my brother had sex with her too.
The real kinda sex.

It bothers me a lot.

Each time i look at my brother or look at her pictures in her stupid instagram,
I swear i could vividly see both if them naked and having sex.

I could see him pounding,
Thrusting into her while she moaning his name.

Yea yea.. I know
Such a perverted mind.

For me,
Sex is kinda sacred.
And can only be done with someone we love.
Because when we doing it,
We literally bare our soul to whoever is bed partner.

And by knowing the fact that they had sex,
It broke me to dust.

I'm not gonna lie on how much i cry.
For days perhaps.
Sigh..

Why all the guy in my life falls for this girl?

Why they need to do thing that i consider as taboo with the same girl?

That girl is such a hypocrite piece of shit.

Saying Allah whatever not.
Pretending to be this pious innocent little girl and boy..
How i wish to spread her nudes and spread to the world that this piece of shit is so not innocent and she is nothing but the hypocrite lying bitch.

I tried to make my ex and also my brother understand on how broken i am pertaining to this issue.

But then again,
My pain fall unto deaf ears.

They can't understand on why i making a big issue out of this.

Well..
We'll see how they like it when i had sex with person that they hated the most.

But then again,
It won't do any good as they'll just shrugged it off like nothing happen.

They are oblivious.

They share different point of view and they definitely sees world differently than i am.

Self Inflict Pain

Do you know..
That moment..
Moment that you cry out of no reason..
Moment where your heart went numb and frozen due to coldness of the life..
And you just need.
Desperately needed pain.
Need to bleed.
To just know that you're alive.
Breathing in this irreversible corrupted world..

God..

How i wish life would pan out differently for me.

Not that I'm asking for a silver platter life to be hand over under my nose.

Just a simple with one person that i could depend on without going through all those hassles that I've been facing for almost a decade of my life..

Just to stop trying too much and you know..
Just go with the flow..
A decent life like others..

I know and definitely aware that i whine too much and instead of whining,
I should get a grip on myself and lived life and work my ass off for a better future.
But I'm tired.
Really really tired..
Exhausted.
And to be honest.
I loathed myself for being such a pathetic piece of shit.

Sigh..

I loathed how life pan out for me.
I loathed how incredibly hideous i am and loathed how humongous my physical are.
I loathed how permanent my heart scarred and how broken my mind is.

At times..

I just simply wish that i never was been born since i had no valid reason to live this fucked up life of mine.

Sigh..

I've been looking for painful things.
Mentally and physically.
Sad songs sad story or anything that can inflict pain to me.

Don't ask why cause i don't have the answer as well.

I just love dwelling myself in pain
Walking on shattered piece of glass.

It.. Make me feel alive..

The pain..

Regardless the source is make me feel alive..

Thus lead to tons of scar upon my skin canvas.

I'm sick. Aren't I?

Yeah.. I thought so..

Jalan Hidup

Setelah aku lewati realiti sebuah kehidupan,
Baru aku sedari yang apa saja aku angankan tika remaja usiaku takkan mudah untuk ku gapai..

Di penghujung hidup selama 23tahun,
Dikala teman seumur punyai segala,
Namun bagiku,
Tiada apa yang ku capai untuk aku banggakan malah..
Hidupku masih terumbang ambing mencari arah tujuan hidup..
Erti sebuah kehidupan..

Aku bingung..
Dan tiap masa ku lewati sendirian,
Sesalan mula merentap rantai jiwaku..

Penyesalan pada laluan hidup yang ku pilih..
Penyesalan pada khilaf ku mencaturi hidupku..

Dan..

Adakalanya aku mempersoalkan..
Jika lain laluan yang ku pilih..
Mungkinkah hidup ini kan berbeda?
Mungkinkah saat ini aku mampu tersenyum bahagia..bangga..

Kuasa 'what if'..

Alangkah indah dunia andai peluang kedua benar2 wujud..
Dan alangkah bahagianya aku andai ku punya kesempatan untuk pulang ke masa lalu dan perbaiki tiap lopak kekhilafan yang kini menghantui tiap langkah perjalananku..

Andai saja dapat ku lakukan semua itu..
Ahhh..mimpi di siang hari saja kau..

Gusar membayangkan hari mendatang..

Sigh..

It has been awhile since I write.
Banyak yang berlaku kebelakangan ni.
Antaranya?
Well..
May aku kenal new colleague yang aku langsung tak perasan kewujudan dia sampailah kawan aku tegur mamat yang duduk sebelah aku tu cute.
And entah macam mana,
Kami jadi rapat.
Rapat sampai colleagues lain salah faham tentang hubungan kami.
Tapi kali ni,
Bukan tentang dia yang aku nak luahkan.
Mungkin di lain hari,
Bila aku ada mood nak membebel.
Apa yang aku nak luahkan kali ni..
Sigh..
Last month aku pindah rumah baru.
So biasalah,
Deposit, moving cost and everything and never occurred to me that my previous sweety pie akan sakit and required a major surgery and cost me a fortune.
Due to that i had to..you know..
Ikat perut untuk beberapa hari.
Hanya minum air kosong saja.
Nak pinjam dengan kawan memang aku tak mampu and tak reti..
So aku end up pinjam dengan abang aku and janji to pay him back bila dapat gaji and without knowing that gaji aku kali ni kena potong dalam 1ribu macam tu.
Bila bayar sewa rumah and bayar duit dia,
Aku akan ada hanya rm50 untuk hidup and bertahan selama sebulan.
Aku..
Cuba jelaskan pada dia.
Bukannya aku taknak bayar tapi aku tak tahu yang company akan potong gaji aku.
Macam2 cara aku cuba sampaikan aku rendahkan ego aku and merayu tapi..
Memang aku terasa hati sangat2.
Dia cakap dia faham and macam2 lagilah and lihatlah sekarang apa yang dia lakukan..
Aku pulangkan semula pepper spray yang dia bagi termasuk dengan duit tu..
Tak apalah..
Memang tanpa duit tu,
aku terpaksa berjalan tengah2 malam and berdepan dengan risiko kena rompak or ragut.
Apa lagi yang mampu aku lakukan..
Dia telah berjaya buktikan pada aku yang memang aku ditakdirkan hidup sendiri..
And tak kira macam mana keadaan kau sekalipun,susah ke senang ke nak mati ke,
Tak ada orang akan peduli.
You're on your own and nobody give a shit bout you.

Lonely Quiz

Just now, due to boredom.
I took a lonely quiz where they can measure how lonely we are.
Guess what my marks is??
Well..
I score 35 in that bloody quiz and into extreme loneliness group.
Yeay!! Happy me!!
To be honest,
Yeah I admit that my life is getting boring and boring.
I got no one to talk to
No one to seek comfort
My one and only bff is currently busy with his new life.
And yeah..he has changed.
He still same but different shades of same..
I guess he met new people
Mingle with a whole new different group of human being.
The type that i hate the most.
What can i say..
Its his choice.
And my so called brother has bless me with utmost pain ever..
Truth is my salary has been cut down by 1k which left me with 1k to survive for my next payday.
And by the time i paid the rent and his money that i owe,
I'll left with 50bucks.
I wouldn't be able to pay the utilities bills or even afford myself a taxi ride at night since i don't own a car.
So every morning i walk for few kilometers and same goes every night..
And after he's been so adamant bout me paying him up,
I give up and gave the money and also the pepper spray he bought.
I never begged since I enjoy being an egoistic human being but when i begged,it means that its my last resolution.
I don't even know how to explain how broken i am because of him.
He talk to me like i refuse to pay his money up and make me feels like a beggar. A pest.
Eversince then,
I didn't text him nor reply to his text.
There's nothing left to be said anymore.
And yeah..
Here i am. Alone.

Memoirs

I couldn't stop smiling..
Well I guess this is the side effect of falling in love deeply..
Sweetest guy I ever met and truth to be told us that I melt like putty in his hand..

Gosh...

I still remember vividly last night..
Spending time singing talking laughing with him..

I wish.. I wish I could kiss those lush lips of him...

I wish I could just hold him and caress him..

God... Please help me..

I love him and its irreversible..

Him.

After my failure in my so called relationship.

I never thought I can make myself to be this close with any man.

Especially when somebody left a prominent scar in my heart.

Who am I trying to lie when I thought there will be a guy who love me truly regardless my physical misfortune.

But with him.

I could be me.

The clumsy butterfinger girl.
The terrible body coordination girl.

We spent enormous time together and without him,
I don't know..
I feel so incomplete..
Fragile..exposed..

I can't say this is love..
Not when my so called love ended with a disaster..

Sigh..
Why life has to be so complicated..

Tonight.
As we walked through the rain.
He sang he laugh.
And I feel my life complete by hearing his laughter..

And.. After his long leave..
His vibe towards me has change..
I'm not certain if this is only my feeling and I'm deluding..

But then..
I can see he tend to protect me.
Help me in every way possible.
Even I can see glint of happiness in his eyes when I inform him that I'll be his neighbour.

Did he love me as much as I love him?

I wish I know..

I wish I have the strength..

I doesn't want to lose this friendship..

Tonight..
The night I feel so broken..
Broken and empty..

Devastated.. Agony..
Lurking in the very air that I breathe..

Tears shedding..
The pain still remain..
Deeper as time passed..

Broken Piece

Why...
After all this time..
I still feels this stabbing pain..
Shed my tears for broken piece of memory..

I wish..
I could cry away all this pain..

I wish..
I could drown away this memories in an evergoing river..

I wish...
I just wish...
I wasn't to naive before..
Naive in believing something that will ever never happen..

Why..
Are God toying with me life?
My heart.. My soul..

Aren't He suppose to love me?
Protect me? Care for me?

I know I know..

I shouldn't blame Him..

Its my pure stupidity for falling in a deep sea which I will never survive..

My conscience..
My logic part of brain..
Knocking yelling for the truth which I choose to ignore for being blinded by cloudy haze of love..

Love... Deep and deeper...

Love...

And I..

Broken soulless shell..

Soulless..

Everything

Everything..
Feels so wrong..

My life..
Seems so cold damp
With no sunrays heat to warm me up..

The girl I used to know..
Somehow has left me in this unknown pitch black hole..
And all I could see
Are the reflection of an empty shell..

Lifeless.. Broken..

I know..
I'm recoiling back..
To girl I used to be..

What can I do?
What will I do?

My condemn soul are in too much pain..
And..
I would be selfish is I force it to stay..
But..
If I were to let it go..
I'll be empty.. Soulless..
With no purpose walking..
Living in this dreadful world..

Empty..
Soulless..

I'm about to do something bad. Is it worth it? Sigh..

When you gone..

He's gone. For good.
Nobody knows.
Not a single soul.

He.. sigh..

I've been trying..
As much as i can..
To forget him..
To let him go.

To smile.. To laugh..

To live happily..

To.. To deny how essential he is to me..

Sigh..

I failed miserably..

Every songs remind me of him..

Everything..

Even my beautiful baby remind me of him..

Remembering how much i love his voice..his laughter..
his giggles..his stupid joke..
messing around with my head..
his clingyness..

Changing stupid pictures..
Sharing every details even the tiniest one..

Sigh..

I miss being myself with him..
Feel and say anything..
Share everything..
Without drowning myself in insecurities..

I miss pranking.. seducing him..

Free as the wind..

I miss you.. a lot..

I feel like.. half of my soul gone..
Leaving me with huge empty pitch black hole..

You.. lit my world like no other can..

And now..

I'm left with nothing..

Empty.. and lost..

Self Esteem

Eversince me/my bf case..
I keep on having this feeling..
Feeling of insecure which worsen day by day..
And not to mention my self esteem that seems to be drown away in a pitch black swamp..

I've been born with a big fat body and definitely with a ugly hideous complexion.

And been born with all this flaws has really took a toll in my social as well as my love life.

Nobody seems to be interested to date or court me.
And all my life,
I've spend day by day watching my friends been court by numerous guys regardless where they went..

Their life is easy compare to mine.
Whereby whenever they are hungry or need something,
They'll just give a rang to one their scandal..
And walllaaahhh!!!
Scandal bring their necessity right in front of the house..

As for me.
I have to go through all the trouble just to lay my hand on food.
Calling for a can,using public transport..
Walking through pouring rains or heat due to sun..

I never had a real boyfriend.
Who treat me like a princess..
Who at least remember my birthday..
Who accept me for who i am..

They used to call me pig..
And few other nasty word whenever i refuse to have sex with them..
Sigh..

Truth is..
Nobody ever remember my bornday let along celebrate it..
Nobody ever bought me a cake and wish me..
Not even my mum..

It goes on up until my 23rd birthday..
Whereby i have this awesome boyfriend who adore and love me with all his heart..
And accept me though I'm such a worthless hideous bitch..

He give me nyau..
A beautiful birthday card with sweet words on it..

He stayed up late just to wait for my birthday and wished me..

The only one who remember my birthday..
The one and only..

And..
Since he left me..
I know..
There i will never find a guy who love me for who i am..
Accept me for my flaws and perfected it with their imperfections..

I guess..
I have to spend my whole life..
Alone..

People Judge -

It seems that nasib malang aku muka menunjukkan dirinya setelah sekian lama..

Beberapa jam sebelum dia pergi..
Meninggalkan aku..

Dia beritahu yang ada masalah yang besar menanti aku dipejabat..

Kononnya rumours spread yang aku ni pathetic liar..
Gadis yang bertemankan imaginary boyfriend..
And kononnya aku ada boyfriend yang kacak,dari oversea dan beri aku bermacam hadiah..

Mereka cuba mencari siapa agent yang hot and dari oversea tu..
And apparently the whole floor tahu tentang perkara ni..

And the worst part is,
Since aku hodoh and gemuk..
So mereka tidak percaya and mengatakan aku hanya making up all this story and stuff..
And say that i can't stop parading my hot boyfriend to others..

Aku..
Entahlah..
Tuhan saja yang tahu betapa sedihnya terkilannya aku tika ini..

Sedang aku meratapi pemergian dirinya..
Kini aku dihidangkan dengan masalah sebegini rupa pula..

Telah aku cuba..
Menjauhkan diri dari semua orang..
Limitkan diri untuk bercakap dengan sesiapa melainkan lulu dan tina..

Tapi tetap jua perkara begini terjadi..

Mungkin salah aku..
Memiliki rupa yang hodoh..
Gemuk penuh dengan cacat cela..
Dan kerana semua kekurangan ini,
Aku sepatutnya tidak layak untuk punyai sesiapa..
Dan tidak layak untuk ada sesiapa menyayangi aku..

Tertekan.. Serabut..

Tiada siapa yang akan bantu aku rawat luka ini..
Dan pastinya tiada siapa yang akan peduli pada tangis airmataku..

Aku..
Dan hanya aku..

Alone Once Again

5 May 2014.
Selepas hampir setahun kami bersama..
Selepas apa yang kami lalui bersama..
Kini aku kembali menyendiri..
Keseorangan..

Dapat aku rasakan..
Betapa kosongnya hidup ini tanpa dirinya..
Dan betapa siksanya untuk lalui jalan yang semakin hari semakin menyakitkan ini..

Aku tak mampu untuk ungkapkan jua susunkan segala perasaan menjadi ayat yang lengkap..

Aku kehilangan segalanya..
Kehilangan tempat aku bermanja,
mengadu..
tempat aku menangis dan ketawa..

Dulu aku ada dia..
Dia yang menemani setiap langkahku..
Dia yang tidak pernah berputus asa memberi semangat padaku..
Dia yang sentiasa beri aku titis harapan untuk aku lalui hari2 mendatang..

Dan kini..aku sendiri..

Aku yakin..
Tiada mungkin akan dapat ku cari pengganti..
Tidak mungkin mampu ku lupakan dirinya..
Telah aku tekadkan hati dia akan menjadi yang terakhir..
Dan tidak mungkin kan berganti..
Aku lebih rela keseorangan dari aku disakiti buat kesekian kalinya..

Sesungguhnya..
Dia membawa nyawaku bersamanya..

Stumble. Again.

It has been ten months..
10 full month we've been together as a couple..

Went through series of shits before both of us finally understand each other..
Accept each other flaws and stop hurting each other..

Despite of not believing in love amd marriage..
Both of us has stayed together and still remain madly crazy in love..
And doesn't want to lose one another..

When i first met him..
I really had no idea..
That he would be so important to me someday..
So important up until i willing to endure all this pain as long as he's with me and love me and care for me..

I've met quite number of guys..
And all of them failed to make me crazily in love and make me fall hard like i fall for him..

He's special..
In every way possible..
And i don't even know how to explain to describe on why i fall for him because..
There's no reason to no to..

The way he treated me..
The way he comforted and wipe my tears..
The way he love me..
The way we share our day..

He's not just my boyfriend..
He's my bestfriend who i spend day gossiping and share ideology on life and human..
My human diary and knows me inside out..
My protector who protecting and care for me even though from afar..
My other half.. My soulmate..
He's my everything and my world revolve around him..
My sun and my gravity..

Without him..
I'm lost..
And i can feel that I'm falling down..
Back to muddy pitch black hole..
Place where we first met and place where he had saved me from..

Why is it so difficult..
For us to be together..
For me to have him forever..

Why is it so hard..
For me to hold him in my arms amd never let go..

I've never ask for anything..
I just want him..
I want him to be mine forever..

I don't wanna lose him..

Been trying to hold my tears..
To not cry each time we talk about this..
I want him to be strong and to messed up his mind is the last thing i want to do right now..
But i don't know where or to who to turn too..
To lay out everything and cry..
All this while..
Its him who i turn too each time i need shoulder to cry..
Its him who comfort me whenever I'm crying regardless how petty reason is..

He accept me for who i am and he ignored the fact on how deformed i am inside out..
Never complained though I'm  fat bitch and pain in the ass whore..

I don't even know what to do anymore..
What to think..
All that i know is I'm afraid..
Afraid of losing him..

I love him.. More than anything..
More than my own life..

I love him.

He's going...
Somewhere.. Far..
No affirmations of coming back..
Perhaps years..
Maybe forever..

And I..
Am here.. Waiting for uncertainty..

Been left alone..

Liability

People.
Wouldn't understand how devastated we were.
And how much agony we are in.

People.
Judge.
Say bad and nasty things to us.
For them perceive life according to their mindset without taking our condition into consideration.

I.
Withhold my dignity.
For it's the only thing that i can hold on to prove to the world that I'm worthy and have the same right to live and share this abrupt world no matter how pathetic i am.

I never meant.
To become anybody liability.
Refuse to become anyone liability.
And i choose to suffer instead of begging asking people to help and ease my burden.

I.
Always stand alone.
To stand for my right and live the world with my own mindset instead of following others to please them.

I've been living my whole life with the fact that I'm a nuisance,
A pain in the ass bitch who troubles others who dare to walk in to my life.

I just need someone.somebody.
To prove that my mum was wrong bout me.
Bout the fact that i troubles others.

I just need someone.
Who is there for me and say everything will be okay.

I don't need money.
I don't need anything.
Never ask for any kind of assistance.

I just need assurance.
Affirmation that i deserve to feel proud of who i am.
And deserve to share this world with others though I'm a bitch.

I was hoping for you.
To give me assurance and
Rest assured my worn out soul that i have the same right to live this life as much as others.

But sadly.
I've learned.
That i am a pathetic worthless pain in the ass bitch who troubles others that dare to walk in to my pathetic miscreants life.

Reaching for 23 milestones!!

8th April 1991.

It has been 23years.

23 tahun sejak aku dilahirkan.

Banyak yang terjadi dan adakalanya aku nak lupakan certain memori.
Kesilapan dan jalah salah yang telah ku pilih tika aku meraba mencari erti hidup..

Tiada yang mengerti,
Tiada yang memahami,
Apa yang mereka mampu hanya menilai jua mempersoal..

Ada tikanya..
Aku bingung..
Bingung dalam mencari arah serta jalan yang harus ku lewati..

Segalanya gelap sewalang langit tanpa rembulan..
Lecak dan basah seolah dibasahi hujan seribu tahun..

Percaturan demi percaturan..
Pilihan demi pilihan..
Segalanya membawa padah yang menyakitkan padaku..

Pemilihan nursing sebagai diplomaku..
Perletakan jawatan selepas beberapa bulan ku bekerja..
Penghijrahan ku ke shah alam..
Umra..
Burger king..
Intan..
Elly..
Afifah..
Efa..
Segalanya berjaya mencoret parut abadi didasar hatiku..
Parut yang terlalu menyakitkan dan ku pasti..
Hingga kini ia masih berdarah..

Namun..
Aku bersyukur..
Walaupun selama 22 tahun aku melalui dan menahan segala siksa keseorangan..
Jua lalui hari lahirku tanpa sebarang ingatan..
Tapi kini aku punyai dia..

Dia yang senantiasa melindungiku..
Menyayangiku.. Mencintaiku..
Walau berkali aku lukai hatinya..

Dia yang sentiasa meniupkan semangat tika aku tersungkur..
menyembah dugaan yang tak pernah berhenti menyapaku..

Yang selalu menyayangi dan melindungiku dari dusta dan kelukaan yang insan hadiahkan padaku..

Dan..
Dia yang satu satunya..
Mengingati tarikh ini..
Tanggal ini..
Sedangkan ibuku yang melahirkanku jua melupakan bahawa pada tarikh ini..
Hari ini..
Dia melahirkan seorang khalifah ke dunia.. 23 tahun yang lalu..

Harapanku hanya satu..
Moga dia kekal bersamaku..
Kini dan selamanya..

My bestfriend.. Protector..
A brother.. A father.. Lover..

My Soulmate..

Angel in the dark..

April (^_^)

April..
On 8th..
There's a cute chubby little baby been borned.

*puji diri sendiri pulak dah!!

April is finally here,
Usually setiap tahun tak celebrate pun..
Insignificant date,
Sama je macam hari lain..

Tapi..
Tahun ni..
Buat pertama kali dapat sambut dengan buah hati musyuk asyem!!
Walaupun dia jauh,
Nun seberang laut sana,
Tapi dia sanggup susah payah belikan hadiah utk macik comel disini hehehe..

Walaupun tak semeriah
Tak se'grand' macam orang lain,
Dapat sambut dengan dia pun
its more than enough.

So,
Genaplah 23 tahun..

Alhamdulillah
Dah ada kerja tetap
Gaji pun not so bad lah..
And finally dah ada asb 60,000k
Simpanan untuk masa tua.
By 48years old,
Ada 60,000k dalam tangan.
Okay lah tu kan..

At least ada juga duit untuk bekalan waktu tua nanti..
Tak mengharap pada duit anak2 or susahkan anak2..
Nak berhaji pun cukup lah tu kan..

Syukur dengan rezeki ni..

He helped and guide me through and through..
Tak pernah mengeluh walaupun aku banyak susahkan dia..
Pain in the ass.. :'(

Semoga cinta ini berkekalan hendaknya..

Mr Takoyaki,

Me love you very much hehe..

9months and counting..

Finally reaching the 9th milestone recently..

A bliss for both of us still madly in love with each other and still together despite the up and down that we've gone through..

As what shaz keep on telling,
That we're meant for each other..
Cursing and argued macam langit nak runtuh tapi still stick together and both refuse to leave each other..

Terharu bila found out that he's smiling while browsing through my pictures and appreciate all my presents no matter how petty it is..

Hugged mr.turtle and my shawl sampai tertidur..

Awwwhhh....
Adorable..
Rasa nak cubit2 je pipi moncet dia!!

Apparently I'm the  longest girl yang he's in relationship with.
Same goes here.
Lelaki pertama yang mampu tahan kerenah aku yang memang maha kaya pelik and annoying.

Aku pun langsung tak sangka unplanned friendship will create such a beautiful love.

Never thought both of us will share this love and deeply madly crave for each other..
Sampai tak boleh berjauhan langsung..
Melekat 24jam..

' happy anniversary lover..
Every girl need a pilot that will protect,care and guide them in this world full of darkness and thanks for choosing me as your co-pilot..'

Love is when we perfected our flaws with each other imperfections and create a perfect love that will last a life time..

I love you T.

Frustration

If only..
I was as perfect as others..
Adorable and graceful..

If only..
I can fulfil her needs..
Her request and dreams..

She told me..
That she love me..
But i can't help to think that I'm just an investment..
A tool for her to clung her claws..

Its painful..
To fail on becoming the best daughter as what she's been dreaming..

To fail on giving her everything that she could wish upon..

Its paycheck day..

She's asking so much as always..

Apparently I'll just need to spend the rest of my core leave in my tiny devastated room..

Sigh...

Emotionless

My life dah jadi kosong..
I don't have reason to stay alive anymore..
Everything feels excruciatingly painful..
Dark and empty..
Why should i live when i don't even have reason to live anymore..
What should i do to end this misery..

I wish...
I could end my life..
I wish I'm not the one who have to go through all this..
I wish yang semua ni mimpi..

Aku tak tahu apa yang aku harus lakukan..
Otak aku beku..
Susah benar untuk aku menumpang kasih..
Payah benar untuk aku merasa disayangi..

Aku tahu..dia sayangkan aku..
Aku tahu dia mencintai aku sepertimana aku mencintai dia..

Betapa aku harap apa yang berlaku,
Apa yang terjadi..
Hanya sebuah mimpi yang akan berakhir saat aku tersedar dari lena..

Kenapakah lama sungguh lena ini..
Sampai bilakah aku harus seperti ini..

Aku tak termampu untuk melepaskan dia pergi..
Tak termampu untuk terusi hidup,hari2 yang mendatang..
Dan..
Aku tak cukup kuat untuk hadapi semua ini..

Lalu..
Apakah yang harus aku lakukan..
Apakah jalan yang harus aku pilih..
Adakah penyelesaian bagi semua kemelut ini..

Aku buntu..

...

Feels like wanna slit..
Again..

Slits and feel the pain..

To feel the warmness of the blood and the beautiful pain..

I don't even know where to start..

It seems that..sigh..

Maybe its true that i deserve to be treated this way..

Deserve to be scold like how sunt told me this evening..

Its my fault and i deserve all this..

So i need to stop weeping and actually start accepting that i am fucked up and deserve to be treated and to be scold like this..

Coretan Jiwa

Mendung langit membawa duka
Hembusan angin dingin dan sepi
Siapa mengerti resah didada
Makin lama makin menyeksa..

Kata orang pasir setia
Badai menghempas tetap bertahan
Namun aku manusia biasa
Tetap terguris tetap terluka..

Andai putus bercerai kasih..
Mampukah jiwa terus bertahan..

..........................................................

Setelah sekian lama tiada ku mencoret
Setelah berabad lama tiada puisi mampu aku senandungkan..

Entah mengapa tika ini..
Hati sayu mengenang si dia..

Benar dia sentiasa bersama
Namun entah mengapa rindu teguh mencengkam..

Saban hari makin menyesak..
Lemas dalam lautan cinta..

Mungkinkah ada insan mengerti..
Memahami betapa aku mencintai..

Sesungguhnya aku memerlukan dia..
Untuk terus lewati hari2 mendatang..

Gusar memikirkan kemungkinan nan satu..

No title needed.

Its sucks when you wanna write and lay everything on the table but then you just can't..

For people are watching..

Eager to know the hidden secrets..

Scavenging for tiniest details..

Sigh...

I miss my old blog..
Where nobody reads,stalking,scavenging and makes fun out of it..
And i free to express to scream anything till my heart contend..

8month and counting..

It has been 8month we've been together and alhamdulillah still counting..

Throughout this 8month banyak yang berlaku..
Arguing loving missing..
Even hampir putus..
Tapi mungkin jodoh masih ada dan dia masih lagi milikku..

Banyak cabaran dan dugaan yg aku harus lalui hanya untuk terus bersama dia hingga kini..

With his endless temper..
His exs that seems never going to give up and still texting him..
Dengan dugaan masa and kerja kami yang berbeza cuti dan syif..

Sigh..nama je kerja company yang sama,
berkerja di floor yang sama..
and boleh kata hari2 terserempak..

Kenapa aku sayang dia?

Mungkin bagi mereka yang punya insan,ibu bapa dan teman yang senantiasa ada disisi dan protect mereka,
pastinya mereka tidak akan mengerti..

Tapi bagi aku..
yang tak punya apa melainkan dirinya..
yang sering terjatuh dan terluka tanpa ada yang peduli..
hanya sekadar memandang dengan senyuman yang sinis tatkala aku stumble..

Aku cukup menghargai dia..
Kerana dia yang pertama manjakan aku..
Walaupun dia jauh..
Walaupun kami tidak pernah bersua..
Tapi dia sedaya upaya cuba menyayangi,
melindungi dan manjakan aku..

Dia juga menerima segala baik dan buruk aku..kelebihan dan keburukkan aku..

Bersabar dengan tiap kerenah ku..

Aku..tak termampu..
Untuk menyatakan..menyusun apa yang ku rasa menjadi sebuah coretan indah..

Betapa hidup aku berseri saat dia hadir..
Betapa..sigh...
Apa yang pasti..
Dia segalanya padaku..
Dunia aku berpaksi pada dia..

Teman kala aku kesedihan..
Kawan tika aku memerlukan bahu untuk menangis...
Kekasih yang sempurna menyayangi dan mencintaiku..
Sahabat untuk bergosip dan mengumpat huhu..
Abang yang melindungi dan menjaga aku..
Dan insan yang membimbing aku dan sentiasa memgang tanganku tatkala aku jatuh dan terluka..
Penawar duka aku..

Dialah racun dialah penawar..

Aku..
Sebetulnya tak sanggup untuk lalui episod itu..
Episod dimana dia hilang semerta dari sisiku..
Saat dimana aku rasa duniaku tidak lagi secerah seindah dulu.
Sepi sesepinya..

Semoga..
Cinta ini berpanjangan..
Berkekalan..

My Used To Be Happy Place

Its been a while..
Since i last visited this blog of mine..
Place where i used to feel happy and free..
But not now i guess..
I've gotten myself few ssilent reader who secretly read my post and criticised me on whatever path i choose in life..

Sigh..

Well.. I know that my life aren't as perfect as yours..

And i was not been equipped with agama as perfectly as you..

I know i stumble a lot and constantly choose the wrong path in life which then lead me to this agonizing chapter..

I know perhaps it look silly..
Stupid..
But then,people do have their own way to at least try to erased the pain away..

Sigh..

I don't know what the heck is I'm talking..
Thing is, just wanna say that this blog aren't the place where i can simply rant on like i used to..
There's people watching..
And waiting for me to do something stupid and criticised me..

Its not save because this blog used to be the only place where i can freely be myself and not thinking bout others perception towards me..

Sigh..

Is it true there's people stalking or..
It just me too paranoid..