Life. Of. A. Bitch.

walaupun baru menginjak 21tahun .
aku rasa seperti aku dah lalui seberat2 dugaan .
otak aku bebal . mereng dengan semua yang terjadi .

aku dilahirkan dalam keluarga tak sempurna .
mengemis sana sini .

ayah aku??
tinggal aku dengan duit 15 sen ada dalam tangan .
mak aku tak mampu beli susu sekalipun .

hidup menumpang orang .

semua kena ikut telunjuk .
orang maki pun aku tak mampu bela apa lagi dibela
oleh satu2 nya pelindung aku tika itu .

aku lah anak babi .
aku lah anak setan .
aku lah anak anjing .
aku lah anak celaka .

disaat budak sebaya aku
bahagia bermain anak patung
saban hari hidup diwarnai dengan
kasih sayang keluarga

aku ???
hidup aku diserikan dengan kesakitan
episod demi episod disebat dipukul dengan kayu ,
besi , paip , baju , kerusi.
malah pernah tidur ditangga rumah
kerana dihalau tika umur ku 7tahun .
semuanya menjadi permainan indah ku .

'' kalau kau tak ada hidup aku aman!! "

" kau bodoh macam monyet!! "

" aku malu nak mengaku kau anak aku! "

saat ibu bapa teman2 ku menangis tika majlis penyerahan ilmu ,
dia hanya tersenyum mengejek .

" buat apa menangis . manja! "

seawal usia 12 tahun ,
aku sudah berani memegang pisau
memikirkan cara untuk menamatkan hidup .

tapi bangsat ,nyawa aku liat!!!

secondary school .
started to seek attention from anyone who willing to give .

she got married without telling me .
with a pervert asshole teacher .

that fucking bastard always yelling .
complaining , whining about every single thing!!
aku bosan!!!
aku mengamuk .
at the end ,
she strangled me . cursing me .

why are you so stupid?????!
he came when he need sex!! need money!!!
fucking bastard!!

SPM .
managed to score 3A's only .
she force me to enrolled in nursing school .
which i hate the most .

she forgot .
all of her jewelleries . her saving .
was gone .
there's no way we gonna afford to pay the fees .
she ask me to work . in any factory .

lucky me .
mercy from my relatives ,
lend some money and give me chance to pursue study .
and free from her .

three years was a really long journey .
so many things happened .
tons of stupid things I done .

Jantan Gedik

Kegedikkan hanya dikaitkan dengan perempuan .
Am I right??

I'm damn not famous and not a favorite friend in College and social networking.
Well, perhaps its my fault .

Me?? I was a bitch who always felt so fucking insecure.
a bit who always need affirmation on every single action that i wanna take.
Bitch who always over react to a certain matter.
And I just don't know how to have fun like others did.
A Fucking Freak!!

But,
that doesn't stop me from opening my FB account and so on.
Know why??
coz I love reading other people status.

I can see how mentally retarded them are and how lame they are.

I found few friends who I love reading their status.
So damn islamic so fucking calming.
Single, normallah. tak berjiwang.
Tengok orang lain kapel berbulu. mula lah upload status keagamaan segala.

But when time come to him.
dah ada pasangan nak pegang2, romen2, jiwang2.
mulalah lupa diri.
macam GAmpang!

Upload gambar sampai berpuluh2.
Bai, cikaro ang tu tade lah lawa pun.
tak heran lah weh. MENYEMAK!

wanna know why i'm so annoyed??
coz typical malay who always forget what they have said.
pandai cakap tapi haram jadah nak buat.

kalau kau rasa tak mampu nak buat
jangan melalak bro.

skrg apa barang??
status islamic kau dah tukar jadi gambar kau beromen sakan.
Gampang.

Dearest Mum of Mine

People always says that Mum are the best .

Always think that Mum are the finest human being in this whole wide world .

Yeah yeah yeah ..
Put all the blames on those poor innocent kid.

Push them to their limits where they end up slitting their very own artery.

that is what you hoping for right??

Typical Malay ,
bark loud as thunder
and run when been asked to act.

Stupid Idiotic Mind Set.

behind every rebellious child,
there's always a catalyst.
person, tragedy that trigger and cut lose all those demonic behaviour.

we didn't do anything for no reason.

ran amuk .
crying .
attempting suicides .
being a black sheep in family .

we didn't do all this absurd act for nothing.
we did it as a symbol.
perhaps an act to ease the throbbing pain inside.

you don't find people slitting their wrist their arms in the name of fun.

despise when people advise me to obey and respect my mum since she the one who gave birth to me and taking care of me.

and said,
whatever your mum did,
asshole attitude she had,
and tho she did multiple
well hundred of bad nasty stuff,
i still NEED to obey her.
coz she's my MOTHER.

go fuck your mother ass bitches!

come to me.

I'll insult you.
I'll beat the hell outta you.
shout and scream my throat up.
fuck dozens of bullshit guys.
crush your soul
and yes honey,
I'll make your life a living hell.

and then
I'll ask you.
to respect me.
to forgive me.
to love me like you did before
i pull this fucking act.

do you like it girl?
do you enjoy watching your life crumble?
do you love seeing me behaving this way?
do you??

listen here asshole bitch.

YOU don't lived my fucking life.

so stop becoming miss know it all.

bitch.

Avenged Sevenfold - Seize The Day

Fucking love this sing.

Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost

It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to Ache over

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time

But I'm too young to worry

These streets we travelled on will undergo our same lost past

I found you here, now please just stay for a while

I can move on with you around

I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?

I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done

We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time

But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one Picture)

Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost

It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to Ache over

Newborn life replacing all of us, changing this fable we live In

No longer needed here so where do we go?

Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of Death?

But girl, what if there is no eternal life?

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time

But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one Picture)

Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost

It's empty, and cold without you here, too many people to Ache over

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna Die alone without you here,

Please tell me what we have is real

So, what if I never hold you, yeah, or kiss your lips again?

Whoah, so I never want to leave you, and the memories of Us to see

I beg don't leave me

Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost

It's empty, and cold without you here, too many people to Ache over

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here

Please tell me what we have is real

Silence you lost me, no chance for one more day [x2 then Continues in the background]

I'm stuck here alone

Falling away from me, no chance to get back home [x2]

Define Mentally Abused

i'm so far away from the life i used to live in .

live full of agony . devastated moment. 

not going to whine or babbling .

just to share and seek some moral or lesson from what had happened .

read an article recently .

Mentally Abuse Children .

it's hurt when you're in that same very position .

every detail been written are stupidly similar to your's .

characteristics of childhood abused victim :

We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act in our own best interests.

We deny, minimize or repress our feelings as a result of our traumatic childhoods.

We overreact to change things over which we have no control.

Lie when they don't need to.

Have trouble accepting compliments.

Have trouble having fun since their childhoods were lost, stolen, repressed.

Expect others to just "know what they want." (They can't express it because they were so often disappointed as children that they learned to stop asking for things.)

Constantly seek approval & affirmation.

Sadly ,

i suffer from almost all the characteristics that been stated above and in that article i read before .

kind off annoying 

as if the writer could read me as an open page in a book .

Meet and fall in love with someone who wasn't destined for us is really not a way to know love and definitely not a way to appreciate someone later on ..

regardless whether i went through or just a teenage mind setting only.

in and out of love had make me realize that there's no eternal love in this world and chances for us to meet with our true love is as hard as finding diamond in the sea of glass .

as i trying to find my way my identity in this chaotic world ,
i found myself stumble as i begin to walk .
" it's hurt!! "
but again i had to move on .
i can't let myself torn away though how agony i am .

life can't be live if we let our self whining and crying for how loser we are .
silence killer!!!

though there's nobody going to read my blog but still blog are the only place that was safe enough to tell anything. friends are no longer honest. parents wouldn't understand. boyfriend??? fuck those guys out!