search for life

I was an innocent child.

who believed He had all the answers.

I was superficial.

searching for all the wrong things that I thought would bring happiness.

Everyone wanted a piece
of what I believed was really me. All they really wanted was to benefit from the person I blindly thought myself to be.

When I realized
my own delusion of myself,
and who I am,
I began to change
into the person I truly am,
the person I want to be,
the person I've always been.

but couldn't see through the eyes of my own unawareness.

Confused.

I sought a way to make sense of my confusion, my pain.

Desperately.

I clung to anything
to help confirm who I am.

I wanted all this pain to be just in my mind, not real.

Am I the me I think I am?

I don't have that internal
strength I need.

I'm jealous of blissful ignorance.
It is better to not have to deal with my demons.

And this is so hard to come to terms with

- who I thought I was versus who I really am.

Did I lose myself?

I can lose myself so easily.

All it takes is a crutch to ease this pain.

This pain is endless,
my safety exists only when I'm alone in my safe place.

I enable my self-pity.

But can't ignore it forever.

I know that I can't forever hide,
but the temptation is so inviting to forget the pain away.

The pain always creeps back in.
It ruins everything I know isn't,
but want to believe, is true.

I try to forget,
so many ways,
any way to make me believe
I am masking my hurt away,
using a pleasant veil so maybe they will believe.

then maybe I can, too.

Am I the me I think I am?

I don't have the strength
to fight it anymore.

I'm aware,
but the awareness is so painful.

But maybe I can just lose myself, one more temporarily gratifying time.

All it takes is a crutch to ease this pain.