Suicidal Temptation

its will remain a secret.
the reason behind all this self harming act i pull out.
few knew.
but none understand.

its not suiciding but self harming.
there's significant different.

but then,
i do planned my death.
a long agony death by corrupting my organs.
hepar and renal.
its a time consuming plan though i think i can feel the effect now.
am in constant pain.
even shiver and had to digest a high dose of pain killer to ease the pain down.

last night was the worst.
the pain was unbearable.
i had to..
digest a total of few hundred mg's of tramal and left me to sleep for an entire day.

but..
no one knows.
the actual pain I've suffering from this past few month.
and some do know the virtual pain that caused this immature act.

it all started 14years back.
when i was 8years old.
am to scared to be beaten of by my grandmother,
I've decided to use knife to kill myself up if they tried to beat me again.
since then,
the blade remain with me.
as a reminder on how and why i started all this crap.

few years later.
i learn to consume drug.
any drug that i could lay my hand on.
well,
panadol mostly.
even digest two bottles consist of 100pills of panadol when i was 15 due to someone dear to my heart,
my mum.
i was lucky.
didn't suffered from any panadol overdose effect.
i lived to see the day!

few month passed.
i almost killed myself by giving the blade to my mum and ask her to stab me for i can no longer endure the pain she caused.
but she's wrongly interpret my act and accusing me attempting to kill her instead.
*sigh..

and,
with my enrollment in medical school.
I've learn how certain drug can kill and corrupt our vital organ if we wrongly consume it in higher dose at once.
so,
there goes my journey.
digesting numerous drug again and again.
tapering up the dose.
higher and higher each time.
with one goal,

corrupted organ = death.

years passed.

14years since i attempting to self killing my organ and it started to affect.
early this year,
i felt the most agonizing pain.
tremble and shiver.
barely can move and had to depend on high dose of tramal for two weeks till the pain ease down and leaving a numb pain on my left waist and my right abdomen.
each time i breathe,
i can feel a bump.
a huge one.
pressing my hepar.
i knew.
my plan.
I've reached my goal.
my lifetime dream.

oh god.
strayed away from topic I've mentioned earlier.

i barely remember when did i first slit my arm.
one thing for sure,
i received 3stiches on my right wrist as i slit slight deeper than i usually did.

slit was never my means to end my life.
too messy and yes,
I've chosen my way to die didn't i?

slit is just my way to have fun.
to enjoy life as i feel alive when i see the blood and feel the pain.
the deeper the blade goes,
the happier i am.
it ease away the virtual pain i'm suffering from.
and yes,
when the pain decided to make their way back,
i have to slit again.
and again .
and again.
the pain content me.
place me..
in this feeling i couldn't describe.
serenity place that i couldn't found in real life.
the pain complete me.
my soulmate.

am aware.
how broken i am.
to love the pain.
to love the blood.
i'm broken on the inside.
mentally and spiritually damaged.

i know,
I've suffer from compulsive obsessive disorder.

a sign that i'm crazy.

yes,am going nut.
but i care less.

no one felt the chain I've been chained on my entire life.
deformed soul.
and it hit me hard when nobody couldn't see how broken i am.
how deformed i am on the inside.
not even my so called dearest friend..