Silence Moment

Teenager nowadays aren't as the same as in the old days.
they live life with their own will and spend most of their time on gadgets,blog and stuff.
so am i,the young adult.

i love spending cold morning listening to subtle songs and perhaps read my fav book.
start my day with a smile and reminiscence sweetest memoirs of my loved one.

but then,
living with my paranoid mother had make me lead a devastated life.
argument and depressing life that literally kill me every passing second.
everyday,
she will scold and whining how i shut my lips off.
how we had zero conversation day by day.
how cold i am.
troublesome daughter.
less did she knew that i am a warm person.
well,
how can she know??
never bother to get to know me.
she just love making her own conclusion and shut her ears and blind her eyes to see the real me.
i am that person,
who you can share everything anything.
the one who easily attached to.
a person who can talks non stop if the topics intrigued me well.
the open minded person who can accept criticise if its for the good and yes,i do hate "talam dua muka" and suka mengumpat kind of person.
and how lucky i am to have a mother that fulfill all my hate requirements.

when she was younger,
healthier and able to fight and stand alone,
she just shut the door and left me alone to face the world.
to learn how to live and survive in this dark chaotic new planet.
but,
she did opened that damm door to her lovers.
pour her love to all those guys and forget to keep some for her daughter
the forgotten daughter.
and now,
as she's getting older
weak and vulnerable,
she asked me to open my door a pathway to my life.
how can i??
i used to live alone.
living in my own world
where nobody care to hug me.
no one want to kiss me.
and no one there to hold and comfort me when i needed the most.

things will never worked out between me and her.
we're two human being with different mindset and attitude.
different way when seeing and living the life.
i see the beauty in the darkness and gruesome people or situation.
and she sees the negative side even in the most beautiful moment.
and here we are,
somehow we share the same blood.
the same dna.
bind in this meaningless mother and daughter relationship.
and i can't even say us or we to describe you and i.
awak terlalu asing bagi saya.
*sigh..

i miss those silence moments.
where it just me in my happy place.
no one there to scream and shout.
to kill me with words and stuff.

i miss to be alone.
to do whatever i love.
to live my life at my own will no matter how pathetic it was.
to lay back and see where life will take me without worrying that i didn't have any wealth like others did.
where no one there to whine again and again.

missing you..

silence memoirs..